#4100s

(january 28th, 2026.)

i'm finally with joel.

leaving the house today and getting to the game store, sitting down and just breathing there - it was such a relief.

i nearly cried. i felt so much less stressed just sitting there in the store, beside joel, not having to go back home tonight.

i was so relieved.

i didn't see dao and joth, though, so i was sad about that.

but it turns out that they finished before i got there and were already at applebees :)

i was so happy to see them. i nearly cried at just being able to see them.

if anything, the last few hours have told me how much the last few weeks have affected me.

i thought i was alright. that i was fine. not too stressed, now that mom is starting to feel better. (she bitched about hating canned chicken after i went back and forth four times to fix the chicken salad i made just for her. it's nice to know she's okay. i could do without the bitching, though.)

but it turns out to be a lot worse than i expected lmao

so being away is much better for me. i wonder if the ecg will show the stress tomorrow.

because i have a few appointments tomorrow! the dentist (which i had to reschedule to tomorrow because i forgot to call and confirm the appointment i'd had scheduled for next week but upon calling to confirm i discovered that i couldn't reschedule for the same time so tomorrow it is), melissa (because kendall and i are worried about her burning out and she's so stressed and we see it and want her to be okay), the ecg (back in nashua, right by the dentist office), and physical therapy (back up in manchester, so i'm just going back and forth tomorrow before going to concord to pick up the rhythm box and go to craft night). that's all happening tomorrow.

love it.

i'm so happy to be back with joel.

(january 27th, 2026.)

the good thing about notepad is that you don't need to deal with capitalization or structure, unlike word. sure i need to check the spelling, but i don't want to deal with the autocaps of word and that sort of bullshit.

so here we are.

i talked to my therapist on monday. i told her about taking care of mom. i told her about how no one else in the house helps. i told her about how i knew it wasn't fair to me to have to do all of it by myself. it's not my life. my life isn't here. it's in londonderry, with joel. manchester area. the school. my friends. my abysmal job hunt.

but i acknowledged that my bad time on the job hunt isn't my fault. it's the economy.

i acknowledged that it's not fair of my family to expect me to drop my entire life to take care of mom. i'm not the only person she takes care of, so why am i the only one who takes care of her?

i told her about the issues everyone else around here has with doing what i do. she said "it sounds like they all have reasonable excuses for not doing it, but i think there might be a lot of justification going on, huh?"

"yeahhhhhh…"

she laughed.

but after talking to her, i was in the kitchen as chels and james were putting lunch together and eating it, when chels said to me, "i heard you say my name when talking on the phone. i don't know if you were complimenting me or complaining about me, but i think you're right."

i laughed so hard.

but then she surprised me - she asked me what she could do for me. and i was so caught off-guard by her question that i just stood there like a deer in the headlights.

during the same conversation, she helpfully reminded me that i stress bake.

which explains the oatmeal cookies, the oatmeal chocolate chip cookies, the chocolate chip cookies, the mini chocolate chip cookies, the rice krispie treats, and the meatballs, along with the pasta sauce, the tacos, and the tuna salad i made over the weekend.

i forgot i stress bake. and cook. and clean. because i haven't been able to do so at joel's because it is genuinely a disaster.

regardless.

that was during the snowstorm on monday.

we got like 18 inches of snow or something. maybe more. i dunno. it's pretty! and i was able to clean off three of the cars before i had to talk to christine on the phone, leaving one car to clean off and the driveway to plow for chels and james when he came back to clean it up.

in the same interaction, chelsea looked at me after heating up the shrimp she wanted to eat that she'd cooked up the day before that was too spicy. so she said to me, "you fixed the soup. how would you fix this?"

so i said, "let me taste it first."

with a furrowed brow, she looked at me skeptically. "are you sure you're not gonna die eating it?"

i shrugged. "i'm, like, 95% over my allergy. it'll be fine."

so i tried it. it was, in fact, spicy.

so i grabbed a pinch of sugar and then the lemon juice from the fridge and put a few dashes in.

chels mixed vigorously. took a bite.

looked at me with wide eyes.

"how do you DO that?!?!"

i just smiled.

the whole idea is to figure out what you have to fight, and then do individual things to counteract the parts of it: lemon juice (acid) to counteract the salt, which boosts heat; and sugar, which fights the spice. i told her as much.

this was also after fixing the soup the other day, and chelsea said, "there's a subreddit called black magic fuckery and every interaction i have with you in the kitchen is like something straight out of one of those posts." which made me laugh.

and i told that to my physical therapist today, who said i should do a youtube channel about how to fix food to make it edible. which is a pretty good idea. but idk about that.

(and today i brought cookies with me, both for my physical therapists and just in general for work at the school, and it was a good idea. i got to share them with my friends. it made me happy.)

after PT first thing this morning, i was able to get brunch with kendall, and we sat and talked for a while about stuff. she'd just gotten out of therapy, and i had therapy yesterday, so we were both in an attitude of self-reflection and stuff, so it was good to sit together and just talk. we also both agreed we're worried about melissa, who is burning the candle at both ends so we scheduled an appointment to see her and talk to her about it. so that'll be good, even though i can't work that day due to my doctors' appointments.

but at work, both of my scheduled appointments cancelled. which gave me time to look into a few things for my sister and then something for me. as in, i listened to a song for a long time and then went on craigslist and found a rhythm box and clarinet for sale and now i'm getting those things this week. so that's exciting for me. i've wanted a rhythm box passively for a long time, and i don't know where my clarinet went, and i'd like to re-learn how to play it so i found a relatively inexpensive one and went for it. they're both close by, so i'm excited.

the rhythm box is also for a project that i'm doing for my sister, and i get to learn music software to put together a full track. so that'll be fun.

my arms have been hurting me all day. excessively so. it's hard to type. it's pretty goddamn miserable.

i also felt pretty shitty at times today. i've been having a lot of issues with connecting with my friends and having the energy to communicate with them. i'm really fucking exhausted and i don't know why.

aaaaaaand my parents just argued over my head like i wasn't even there because neither of them listens to the other and they both immediately assume the worst. if they listened to each other and DIDN'T assume the other was being negligent or lazy or selfish, it'd be really fucking nice.

this is why i stay at joel's. i'm sick of the arguing. every fucking time i'm here it's like this. what the fuck. they're both adults!!! why can't they fucking communicate and act like it!!!!!!!!

fuck.

i'm tired.

too fucking tired.

oh.

(january 20th, 2026)

mom's been recovering from her surgeries last month. her wrist still hurts her, though.

mom's melanoma surgeries were last week. she's okay. but sunday she was walking to the bathroom and had another episode of vasovagal syncope, like she had last january. she passed out and collapsed, and i tried my best to make sure she got onto the chair she was next to, but i failed. she slipped from my inadequate grasp and fell to the floor on her side, which i tried to ease her down to. and then because the surgeon said she needed to have her head above her heart, i tried to wrangle her into a sitting position. she eventually woke up.

but dad couldn't hear me, even though i called for him when i was at the door to his office.

since then, she's self-diagnosed with a broken toe, an injured knee, and a big bruise on her elbow.

so now she has a harder time walking to the bathroom. i have to go with her, with her holding onto me and me taking tiny steps to make sure i don't go too quickly and so she can take normal steps as much as possible.

but in the meantime, i've been home since she got those surgeries a week ago. and since you shouldn't leave someone who just had face surgery while on blood thinners alone, i have been staying with her downstairs, on the sofa and reclining chairs. for a week. with a bad back.

the amount of pain i'm in is honestly ridiculous.

the amount my life has been disrupted and railroaded because of all of this is also ridiculous.

everything is on hold.

craft night. star wars game. seeing friends. physical therapy. sleeping in my bed with joel.

everything. doesn't matter anymore. i'm the only one taking care of mom. and i, who am arguably the busiest person in the family,

have to stop my entire life,

uproot it,

and stay in the same three rooms for probably another two weeks because mom can't be left alone.

i am in fucking pain. but i remain on my feet, bending over, going back and forth, helping, doing, running, finding, solving, cooking, caring, fixing, cleaning, organizing, literally everything. for another person. while in stupid amounts of pain. for which painkillers do not help. and for which i have had to cancel or change appointments this week because i need to take care of my mom.

i don't think my family understands how much pain i am in on a constant basis. if they did, i wouldn't be the one doing all of this.

they'd leave me alone, honestly. they'd say "holy shit, go back to joel's. you can't handle this stress and that pain. you have to do what's best for you."

but they won't do that.

because that's my line.

i'm the one that cares.

i'm the one that gives a shit.

i'm the one who makes sure everyone gets cared for and is doing okay before i move on.

i'm the one who checks on everyone to see how they're doing and if they need anything before i make my own food, take my own shower, do my own laundry.

no one does that for me.

and when they do,

(if)

when someone checks on me and genuinely wants to know how i'm doing,

(if)

i break down.

(or i would.)

because i am not okay.

but i won't get asked that. because these people are all too fucking absorbed in their own lives to realize that i've sacrificed everything i have to try and help someone who everyone else should be helping more. why am i the only one who is inconvenienced to this degree. why am i the only one who is capable of caring for another person like this. why am i the only one who has to stop everything to care for someone else when everyone else has time and ability too.

i'm sick of it.

it happens every time.

i'm the only person who stops to take care of mom when she's down. mom stops and cares for others. why won't they stop and care for her?

and i'd say this is all well and good, but it's not.

it's fucking not.

i'm angry and i'm hurt and i'm constantly in pain and there's no way to help it until it gets worse and then they'll have to fuse my spine so maybe i can keep walking.

i'm angry and i'm hurt and i'm frustrated that i'm the only one who does this.

i'm angry and i'm hurt and i despair at the fact i still don't have a fucking job. (it's day 452, i think.)

i'm angry and i'm hurt and i'm depressed. i'm angry and i'm hurt and i'm sad. i'm angry and i'm hurt and i'm exhausted. i'm angry and i'm hurt and i'm at my fucking limit.

something's gotta give, and at this point, it's going to be me.

(speaking of which, my doctors know there's nothing they can do to help the pain i'm in. i'm going to rheumatology in april. i had an episode the other day where i was in excruciating pain for four hours in every part of my body. but does that give anyone a hint that maybe the person with debilitating chronic pain shouldn't be the one to do shit like this? no.)

(so i persist.)

...

(i miss joel. so fucking much.)

(january 1st, 2026.)

there’s been a lot going on lately. i wish i’d written more during the last month or so. i wish i had a good reason, but all i hear are excuses.

in the time i haven’t written, the following things have happened:

i got the MRI on my back and i finally know why im in pain all the time, and it sucks because there's nothing that can be done about it besides manage the pain. spinal stenosis, three slipped discs, and arthritis in the facet joints. i have an appointment on the 30th to see the pain and spine specialists.

mom has been in and out of the hospital and the vascular surgeon’s office because she’s been afraid that her wrist is going to be more fucked up than it already is, but she’s overall okay.

aunt wendy got caught in a disastrous battle with medicare about gramma - who is supposed to be in a care facility after having fallen and dislocating six ribs, but insurance decided she was okay without talking to the woman who called 911 instead of the front desk to ask about her care. the woman is NOT all there. light’s on. no one’s home.

christmas was really good. my family decided to go for broke this year for gifts for me, apparently, because my dad got me a diamond giraffe necklace, my mom got me concert tickets, and james and chelsea got me a new ipad. i knew about the ipad and i had suspicions about the necklace and the tickets, but knowing beforehand didn’t stop the waterworks when i opened them.

the christmas party was just fine, and dao and joth were pleasantly surprised that it was a lot better than they’d expected it would be, probably because my grandmother and the other grumpy old lady weren’t there. it was just kind of fun. and christmas with joel’s family was also nice, and i’m grateful for it. it was very low-key and i’m glad for it

while in search of a new rear wiper for my car, i went to target and ended up getting a new phone plan and a new phone. i’m gonna be saving $40 a month, which, for someone on day 432 of being unemployed, is important.

new years was good - we went to one of joel’s friend’s house and we had chinese food and talked for several hours. unfortunately, the house is full of smokers everything i had with me and wore smells like smoke, and while that’s not bad for my sweatshirt that i threw in the wash with a bunch of extra soap and some de-smeller-izer, my ipad’s case now reeks of cigarettes and i am super bummed because i might have to throw it away.

and today i went to go to craft night, but the shop was closed so i came back home. i was kind of relieved because i didn’t really feel like going despite having driven up there.

i really want ice cream.

all of that aside, i realized as i was driving back from the craft store that i’ve been kind of isolating myself from a lot of people. it takes me days if not weeks to reply to people, and that’s if they get a response at all. i’m constantly feeling overwhelmed and guilty because there’s money that needs to be spent but i don’t have it, so someone else has to spend money on my behalf. i’m torn between wanting to stay in a place that’s physically comfortable and warm and wanting to be somewhere that is emotionally comfortable, because i have no real place that is both. i’m losing my independence because of the things i am asked to do and the money i cannot spend, and i still cannot help flying straight into the bars of my cage. i am stressed and tired and in pain and frustrated and broke and lonely and angry and sad and dehydrated and all i want to do is to hit a great big “redo” button on basically everything because i cannot see a good ending to this bullshit. (i will note i am neither actively nor passively suicidal; the “endings” i see are not endings at all, but are instead a continuation of the negative circumstances in which i find myself.)

i am trying escapism. it’s not working. i am trying practicality. it is also not working. i am trying everything i can. it is still not working.

(december 14th.)

i can't express how happy i am that i don't have to get up early tomorrow.

i'm too fucking tired, dude.

the last day of the regency was lovely - i woke up to snow falling, and we went to the buffet downstairs and talked with some of the people who run the hotel. i made them cranes to thank them how i could.

back at home, joel and i sat with everyone and we decorated gingerbread houses! i sadly don't have pictures, but i was busy holding my house in form for a while because everyone else was using the frosting. so i waited until there was frosting free and i got like half a teaspoon or so out of each of five packets so i had a little bit of good frosting for decorating and gluing my little house down! and it turned out alright. i wish id had more frosting and more steady hands, because always having shaking hands sucks.

we got pizza and hung out for a while, and it was nice. we took pictures of the gingerbread houses we all made and sent them to jarby so they could see that we do in fact do sometimes do things together. i was really glad joel was there with me.

we stopped at walmart for a few things, like distilled water and gatorade and some yarn so i didn't have to go digging for some in the storage unit. i have a couple of things to make.

and joel and i have been in bed since we go back at like 7. it's been nice to just chill out.

it's been a good day.

we're at the con hotel for a last hurrah since they close for good tomorrow.

i spent the day helping my aunt with the storehouse and then we got lunch together.

i'm so tired.

today went well, but i woke up too late to stop for starbucks :( so i had animal crackers today.

we had a few people take the tests, and the rest i tried to email but the email system saw the message i sent to a select few students as a BCC and their professors as a CC and decided that "oh no this is spam" and stopped me from sending emails multiple times. eventually i had to email the students individually to tell them to contact their professors to take their exams.

at the end of the day at work, i ended up making some charts with the data from the exams, like percentages of people who passed, failed, or didn't take the tests by professor and by exam. it looks nice, but it's no power bi dashboard.

i also had a meeting with my advisor at unh at 4ish, and he helped me decode what i ought to take for classes and then who to talk to if i had issues. given i did have issues and i have more questions, i'll be consulting my notes to get the answers i seek.

after that i went to pick up a package from my aunt's house and then to five below to get some gingerbread house kits, and i got some other things that are gifts and then some snackies.

i went back home intending to help with cookie making. but we opened the box of fun things from my brother's family, and mom decided that we should reciprocate what they did: each of them put in something they loved that could be represented in a physical object, something they loved to eat, and something that inspires them. so i have to think about that.

i did help with cookies. mom and dad were disagreeing in the living room, so aunt wendy and i worked in the kitchen together for a while. we made oatmeal raisin cookies and finished up the dishes, after mom had forgotten dinner in the oven and made it a little too crispy to be edible in my opinion. but it wasn't a recipe i like anyway, so it was fine.

quarter past 10 i kissed my family goodbye and made my way to joel, who was at applebapples by the game store he frequents. we had food together and while we were both distracted, we were still together and that was nice.

now back at home, it's chilly and it's past 2am and i am getting up to help my aunt with the storehouse because people don't understand how to work a food pickup line. like damn.

anyway.

i'm exhausted.

i'll have to tell you about ed's stories this morning, because they were delightful. i love learning things about the older people in my life. it makes a difference and makes me feel more connected.