#original monologue

"Spring"

I remember when I first asked you what we were. If we were dating. You were so nervous then. You said you wanted to be, if I did too. The next day we were so giddy, unable to believe each of us finally had a partner. That the partner we had was each other. That our story seemed so perfect– meeting just by chance, although I’m sure we would have met later on anyway, and developing a beautiful friendship over the years before it bloomed into a romance. Those late summer nights we spent staying up, just talking to each other, not knowing that soon, between the turning of the leaves and the lengthening of the nights, we’d be holding hands in the dark. All those times I thought of you and wondered if it really was love I was feeling. I had never felt that for anyone before, it was new to both of us I think. 

"After You Moved Away"

You have no idea how much you really impacted me, I think. It was just you and I, for two years. No one else was quite like us, but it was okay. We had each other, and time. You and time are always entwined, in a slow dance together through life. Her hand on your waist, yours on her shoulder, waltzing and turning together in an endless movement. We didn’t have enough time together. I miss you. We write letters, and I text you sometimes, but it’s not often enough. You’re not close enough. If I could go to you, if I could find you again I would. I will. Our friendship, like the collision of stars, a nebula formed, the particles so far apart, until they collapse again into a new light in the sky.

I kept everything you ever gave me. I remember all the stories you told, every quirk you divulged to me in secrecy. I still haven’t told anyone all those things you made me swear I wouldn’t. Even though I haven’t seen you in two years, I can’t betray you like that. You were right about the iron, I still think of you when I see a lacrosse ball or pearl earrings. I use that bookmark you gave me, I still have my shoes tied the way you did them back in freshman year, on the football field. I promise I’ll read Dazai someday. And we’ll be able to talk about it when I see you again.

"Sin"

"Please?"

At one point in life I was drowning, in my fears, in my thoughts, in the reactions and emotions of people around me. I could open my mouth and scream but my lungs would just fill with more water and sometimes the more I fought it the harder it became. So one day I let the depths take me. Everything felt blank, I didn't even recognize what was in the mirror anymore.

Once, I thought I was saved from those dark waters, I thought I was able to breathe again, but it turned out to just be shallow waters where something wrapped around my ankles. When my trust was betrayed I was pulled under once again. I was scared. I didn't want to return to the depths. I didn't want to die. So out of anger and a will, I tore at the feeling that was dragging me down, I didn't want it, I didn't want those feelings anymore. I was so tired, but I kept fighting it, I wanted to see the light again I wanted to see the next day… and then I saw it… in all of its beauty as rays of light shone through the crystal waters.

Hope. Freedom. Love.

I don't know where it began, but soon fear was trying to pull me from the depths anger was there with them, logic following suit. I began to feel things again, I began to learn new feelings: the love of a parent even if they aren't my parent, the support of those who had been by my side, the pain when someone you held closest used your fears against you, the yearning to see a friend you haven't seen in so long, the strength to stand, the joy of hearing a name that no longer placed you as a number, nor the name that held you in those dark waters. The name is one I chose, something means the world to myself, something nobody can take from me nor can they taint it.

This is where my chapter begins. I am the Fiery Phoenix that will reform from the ashes I was burned to and I will continue to do so for as long as I live, but I am also the Luminous Jellyfish who will rise from the depths brighter than ever.

It's nice to meet you.

My name is…

Corey: [Corey quietly stares at the shoes on her feet for a moment] These are not my shoes. They’re Dakota’s. I guess it doesn’t really matter now though, does it? It’s not like I can return them now. Though, I don’t think Dakota’s really worrying about her shoes at this point anyway. It’s weird – thinking about these things that don’t really matter anymore, like these shoes. I’ve always liked these shoes, I liked a lot of Dakota’s things. She has good tastes and her parents aren’t as uptight as mine are.

Dakota and I had been best friends since eighth grade. She is loud, sassy, and bold and I love her. When I’d met her I was quiet, sarcastic, and empty. If it hadn’t been for teacher-paired chemistry labs, we probably would’ve never met. Things would be a lot different now too… Dakota pulled me out of myself and showed me a world worth caring about, a world worth living in. We became quite a pair. I became her voice of reason and she encouraged me to be more adventurous.

I’m kind of sad that Dakota hasn’t come by to see me, but I can only imagine what this has done to her. I can only hope that she isn’t beating herself up. Of course she is. Dakota was always trying to take me out of my comfort zone and apologizing if things went wrong. She always thought it was her fault, even when I would try to tell her that I shared in the blame. Most of the time, the consequences of our adventures were minor: my parents grounding me for getting a tattoo, the infection from getting my nose pierced, a broken ankle from rock climbing – just to name a few. I’d wanted to do all those things myself, but Dakota blamed herself when the outcome didn’t go the way it should’ve. Though, I knew my parents were going to freak when they found out about the tattoo.

This time, though…this time was different. It still isn’t Dakota’s fault. None of this is her fault. Though, I know she’s probably sitting in her room blaming herself.

She’d heard about this new club and she really wanted to go check it out. I didn’t want to go. I didn’t really like going to the clubs like she did and some of the girls I knew had some things to say about this club that weren’t so good, like a couple of girls had had their drinks spiked when they weren’t looking, another said there had been some sketchy guys there a couple of times, and there were rumors that some girls had been drugged there. Dakota hadn’t heard any this and really wanted to go see what it was all about. Eventually I agreed to go with her. They were just rumors, right. Maybe those girls had just made everything up. So, we went. I kept a close eye on our drinks just to be safe and insisted we buy new ones every time we left them behind on the table to dance just to be safe. We had a great time. Except for this one guy…he just kept watching us from the shadows. I’d told Dakota, but she didn’t seem to think anything of it. By time we decided to leave, it was late. I had wanted to call a cab or one of our parents to come pick us up, but Dakota said it was such a nice night that we should walk home. It wasn’t far. So, we walked. We were talking about something on the way…I don’t even remember what it was, but Dakota got mad. We stopped walking and she started yelling at me. I wonder if it had been about the shoes…. Then she walked off. I didn’t go after her because I knew she had just gone to cool off a bit before we started home again. Neither of us had known that he had followed us, that guy from the club, the one who had been watching us from the shadows.

God! I wish I could tell her somehow. It wasn’t her fault. She didn’t get me killed. I don’t remember all that much of what happened after she’d stormed off, but I don’t blame her for this. Any of this. I just hope she realizes that and isn’t diving herself mad with guilt. If she does something stupid, I’m going to be furious with her!

Alice’s Final Monologue 

Into the Eververse: Seven Keys to Freedom