Unfortunately I do really enjoy this work I find it incredibly rewarding but holy fuck I am so scared. The only other shows I've done as The costume lead have been little student directed works and small casts. Into the deep end I go I hope everyone gets collective amnesia about how I don't/can't be normal without being some sort of chemically altered and I really really can't start smoking again. I hope everyone forgets that I had to leave mid production last year 0 explanation because I put myself in partial hospitalization. I hope no one realizes that I will way way more frequently than I would care to admit miss rehearsal because I slept through it. Yeah the rehearsal that starts at 4pm yeah that one.
Not to mention feeling like a freak (social ostracization) and a pervert (visibly genderqueer) under normal circumstances and under these circumstances?? I'm fighting so hard to be and look and act normal.
"Hey when I was imagining you in my head a month before you even started reading the script I imagined you wearing this. Do you like it. Also do you have a white bra. when I was imagining your character I realized that her underwear would be slightly visible. It absolutely doesn't have to be if you don't want to. But when I was thinking about your charcaters and by extension your boobs I imagined it like this. If you're cool with that. Do you like it" like jesus fucking christ i don't know if i'm going to get out of here alive + without a chemical dependence on a substance of choice.
I've been told that I've been very tactful and mindful while navigating fittings and working with body image which is gratifying I'm glad that at least two people think that but what if they think I'm weird anyways. I'm starting this interaction at a social deficit.
"So I start months before you and I've interpreted your character like this before you've done any character work and before the dramaturgy packet is due so I wanted to ask Is this ok do you think this makes sense for your character do you like it? Is it ok that I was thinking about you for that entire time because I need you to like it I need you to like it I need you to like me I need you to feel like you look good on stage that is actually my number one priority because if you don't it not only reflects badly on my designs but also will affect your performance everyone says it wont and dont worry about it but it does and it will so I need to know Do you like it."
It feels like a set up it feels like I"m going to get the rug pulled out from under me and everyone's going to hate it actually and I"m going to have to redesign all 22 of these fucking costumes because actually it'll turn out that I'm way off base with the concept I completely misinterpreted it and not only do people think I"m a weirdo and a pervert but also that I'm bad at design.
Cognitive distortion count : >4 conspiratorial thinking, catastrophizing, emotional reasoning, jumping to conclusions
