I didn't realize I wrote this some time ago... umm... so I'm just posting it for fun.
Every time I get drunk I seem to remember that night like a vivid dream... Like it was just yesterday, when she was dolled up in that purple dress and looked so different.
I really didn't know what was the right thing to do. I never knew my feelings. Someone like me, who can't stay in a relationship for more than 3 months, how could I mess with her emotions? I knew I could never forgive myself if I hurt her.
The person who is so precious to me, someone I couldn't imagine my life without. I couldn't lose her.
And yet, what I tried to protect so desperately.. I ended up shattering it my self. I lost her.
Finishing Christmas dinner, we were loitering outside her house. It was cold and snowing but the atmosphere was nice and cheery. It was Christmas afterall. We decided to take stroll in our neighborhood.
"The snow is pretty, right?" She smiled at me, her eyes sparkling. I smiled and nodded. We walked in silence for a few minutes.
"Oppa... " She stopped walking. So I did as well.
"Oppa, will you answer me now?" I knew what she was meant. Her eyes were fixed on the snowy path, shielded away from me. I knew I had to answer, I've been preparing for this moment from last month when she confirmed Yoon Jin's drunken confession. But at this crucial time, I hesitated.
"I-" Before I could continue she jumped in front of me waving her hand to stop me.
"You don't have to answer now, if you don't want to!"
I reached for her hand and gently squeezed it. She seemed to be trembling. I tried to warm her hands with mine as I gently decided to tell her my thoughts.
"Jung-ah, let me explain." She considered for a second and finally moved back a little. Her hand still in mine.
"You're very precious to me, but I can't.. date you." She didn't respond. "I just don't think we could be in that kind of relationship. I like spending time with you. I like the way things are right now and I hope it can be like this forever."
I paused to let that sink in. She still refused to look up at me.
"I'm sure it will take some time for you. But we can be like before when you get over these feelings and move on."
"Oppa!" Her tone was reproachful, even a little angry.
"Are you saying that my feelings are childish and I'll grow out of it?"
"Not like that. I am saying you're.. this is.. still early. I am just saying in one or two month we can-"
"Kim Jae Joon-sshi, I know that you are older but please don't disregard my feelings like that."
Shocked, I stared at her. She never called me by my name. She realized it as well.. because now she looked up at me with her watery eyes.
"Oppa, if you don't like me, it's fine. But don't tell me that my feelings are a fluke. You're being unfair by saying that. You just want to feel better by saying that. So, don't, please."
"Na-Jung.." She took her hands back from my grasp and turned around.
"Oppa, I don't know how long it will be or even if it's still possible to be like before.. I don't even know if I want it... I'll see you later."
Honestly, I didn't mean it like that. I just hoped we could get past this and live like we did before it became an issue. But I never got another chance to clarify.
That was the last time we had a decent conversation.. just the two of us. Later that month, she finally decided to take the scholarship offer to study abroad for a year
I didn't even get to say a proper good-bye.
Sometimes I wonder... What is our relationship... why am I so confused when it comes to her.
...Can we finally be like before?
Then, somewhere in my mind, there's a voice whispering..
I hope... she didn't change her mind... may be there's still a chance for me...
(I used Kim Jae Joon as Oppa's name. It will be awkward and embarrassing when Oppa is not the end game..)
Edit: Seriously.. haha just like last time.. forgot to put POV..
