#opinionseeking

Hey everyone. I usually don't make posts like this and I reblog everything and all, but I need help. I'm not good at deciphering gender identity and such and there are so many terms out there that describe so many different genders. I am a twenty year old, bisexual female by birth. I have been having a lot of strange feelings within myself for years and only recently am I truly starting to question things and try to make heads or tails of them. Here's what I'm talking about: -From a young age, I've always felt I didn't fit in. I've never really been girly, and I've always been tomboyish and since that's what everyone called it, I went with it and thought nothing of it until now. -Ever since I hit puberty and started really growing into my body and all, I've always thought that in both means of body image and personality, I'm too masculine to be a girl and too feminine to be a guy, and yes I've considered the possibility of gender fluidity (I think genderqueer is the same thing). While I have masculine features, I still look too feminine to pull it off the way I've seen other genderqueer people do it. I I've been mistaken for a guy before in choice circumstances but I'm too feminine otherwise to really be mistaken for a guy if you saw me. Since I have large breasts and some curve to me but in the face and shoulders, I'd say I can be pretty masculine or neutral. -I can't be transgendered because I don't have a desire to permanently be male since I am currently female and I am not disgusted with my female parts. I do wonder if I would be happier if I were male at times though... But I have no real desire to transition or be considered a man permanently. -I have different ways I act with different sexes. As I said, I am bisexual. I've always been back and forth with which I like more but generally I lean towards men but still look at women A LOT. Here's what I mean with the differences; with a man, I am usually quite submissive, I feel womanly, I feel like a girl, I feel feminine as a girl like me can. With a woman, I feel like a man, I don't feel like I'm looking at a woman through another woman's eyes, but I feel like I'm looking through the eyes of a male. When I am by myself or just alone, I feel neutral. That androgynous but still born female feeling is there but I don't feel that feminine. In terms of emotions towards genders, I'm extremely picky when it comes to women but I'll look all day long. When comes to men, it's easier for me to find a man I want in ways more than just lust and to have an emotionally charged connection with. In being with a man sexually, I usually feel entirely feminine and womanly, no questions asked. In being with a woman sexually, I feel extremely masculine, and most of the time that's to the point where I will forget I'm a girl. In these instances, I feel like I should actually have a penis and that I am not female because sex with another woman, through my eyes, is like straight sex, only I'm the man. Yes, I have seen it as traditional lesbian sex before but now, as I get older and closer to figuring myself out, I see it more as this way. I feel like this is weird. -I feel mostly androgynous when it comes to things that usually tie to genders. Yeah, anyone can like anything but these are just examples, okay? Like, for the feminine side, I don't care about hardly anything a usual girl would. I don't care how I look aside from the fact that I'm overweight and a few other things but I'm talking makeup, clothes, etc. I like a little makeup (black eye liner, red or dark mauve lipstick and several dark nail colors) but that's it. I have no interest in doing it everyday either. I have no interest in flattering and expensive girly clothes. I like black, black, and did I mention black? Jeans, too. I don't do my hair up which is all the way down my back unless I'm hot, otherwise it's down. I don't do my brows either. But not all girls like to do those things and I know this. I would say I'm more masculine to a point, I don't mind getting outside and dirty sometimes and I don't mind men's clothes (t-shirts, basketball shorts, not underwear or anything). I have more masculine interests; video games, guns, knives, etc. However, I hate sports. I feel like my female and male likings even themselves out and I never feel like I'm one more than the other. -This ties in with the last point. Alright, so, the first time my boyfriend spent the night here, some time after that, he tells me that my room didn't look like a guy or girl's room, just a room. This notion just silently added to my confusion until now where I'm actually thinking about. It's added the fact that I feel like I'm in between somewhere. It kind of bothered me a little over time that he said that since I had never thought about that before and that now that I am thinking about it, he's right. -More that I'm taking into account here is something my wonderful cousin said when I said all this to her. She thinks I'm somewhere close to trans or parts trans but I don't know nor does she. I think about what I said about being with both sexes and I think that maybe I would be happier with an intersex body. I don't know, I feel like I would like having a penis but I also like my vagina... -And lastly, when I say that "I'm a girl" or "I'm a woman", it feels strange to say at times. Like in a general sense, it feels weird to say at times but I'm not bothered by pronouns or anything, though it's almost like my subconscious knows it's not entirely true when I say I'm female. Or another example would be that when I'm in a relationship with a girl, it feels weird calling me her girlfriend because of all the masculine feelings I feel, then I think about being called "boyfriend" and that doesn't cut it either. That just feels weird. When I'm with a guy and I'm called "girlfriend" it feels fine mostly, there's still that "wow, I'm someone's girlfriend" feeling but I feel like that's normal especially for emotionally fucked up people like me who have esteem issues and anxiety and severe depression and all that wonderful sunshine and rainbows shit. I have to wonder if this is a reason I had a hard time fitting it. In school, as a young child, we'd have these girl vs boys sort of battle wars with tag at recess and it had other twists on it. It was fun. I would always be with the boys even though I'm a girl, but occasionally I'd help the girls (I'm a stinker, aren't I? :P). I never really fit in and felt like I belonged anywhere. I still don't feel like I belong anywhere now but that's different... I wish that I could just figure myself out. Is there a word for what I'm feeling? I've even resorted to taking gender identity quizzes for the hell of it and one I got cis-female which, correct me if I'm wrong, means you're female with no qualms about your gender identity and everything is fine and dandy right? Another one I got was I'm female, but I have a mostly androgynous mind but more feminine. If I were cis-female, I don't think I would be having this problem. That other thing sounds kinda right but is there a word for it? What do you think from what I've explained in this long post? I haven't talked to my boyfriend about it much because I don't think he quite understands. I told you what my cousin said and my mom thinks I'm just extra bisexual which I don't think makes much sense but it did sorta when she said it but I know she doesn't quite understand the whole gender identity thing so that's how she explains it. She herself is bisexual but she's cis-female with no problems about her identity. Please let this not be a mistake to put this on here. I consult you, tumblr, since I see so much shit about gender and LGBTQ on here so there has to be someone out there that can help me. If I get hate, I don't care, I've been bullied enough in my life and I'm a grownup so I can take it. Please, I just want to understand myself and how I'm different. They say life is about making yourself, not finding yourself, but in my opinion, you have to find yourself first before you can remake yourself. Please help me understand.