SAGAU God Creator: Un-delete Dead Characters Patch Notes, B#TCH!
hi yes hello, it’s me again, crawling out of the void with yet another “what if god but messy” fic. ✨ this is basically a SAGAU crack epic where i, the Player™️, descend into teyvat, slap the respawn button on everyone, and turn canon into a giant uno reverse card. consider it my self-indulgent new game+ therapy session.
things you can expect:
me openly bullying celestia bc they deserve it.
reviving dead characters like i’m oprah handing out free cars (“YOU get a resurrection, YOU get a resurrection—”)
zhongli’s 5,000 years of emotional repression finally snapping like a glowstick.
tumblr-chaos narration because i literally cannot take myself seriously.
lore accuracy? i don’t know her.
this fic is like 60% angst, 40% shitpost, and 100% me refusing to let hoyoverse hurt my blorbos. enjoy. 🫶
So. Picture this: You, the humble Player™. Sitting in your room, bored out of your skull, staring at the Genshin loading screen for the 999th time.
But this time, instead of loading into Mondstadt to go beat up hilichurls for daily commissions like usual, you suddenly feel yourself falling.
Like—straight up Alice in Wonderland, but with worse gravity settings.
You hit the ground in Teyvat. Alive. Breathing. Very much not behind a screen anymore.
And everyone is staring at you.
The Archons? Panicking. The Adepti? Ready to bow. Celestia? Glitching in the background like a bugged skybox.
Meanwhile you? You dust your hands off and announce, with the gravitas of someone who just ragequit a bad gacha pull:
“Alright, patch notes time. New save file. No dead people allowed. Canon’s canceled. I’m God now, hi.”
The silence is deafening. Venti’s jaw drops. Zhongli freezes mid-step. Ei blinks like someone just unplugged her whole brain.
You clap your hands together. “Okay, first order of business: Liyue. Let’s fix Morax’s tragic backstory speedrun, shall we?”
And without further ado, you teleport.
Liyue Arc: Guizhong.exe Has Logged Back In
The air in Guili Plains tastes like nostalgia and regret. Zhongli stands stiffly at your side, staff in hand, while the Adepti hover in the distance.
“Young one,” Cloud Retainer says, voice echoing, “I do not comprehend the full extent of your—”
“Yeah, yeah, exposition later,” you interrupt. “Right now we’re doing a little thing I like to call CTRL+Z on trauma.”
And you snap your fingers.
The earth rumbles. The ruins of Guili glow. Stone blossoms unfurl, light pouring from every crack in the ground.
And then—soft footsteps. A figure in white and silver, smiling as if she’d never left.
Guizhong.
“Morax?” she whispers.
Zhongli—Zhongli—drops his idk... rock? It clatters to the stones. His knees nearly buckle. For once, the man with more composure than an iceberg looks like he’s been gutted.
“Guizhong…” His voice breaks like old porcelain. “This… this cannot be—”
“Oh, it’s real,” you say cheerfully, sipping the boba tea you conjured because why not. “Welcome back, dusty baddie.”
Guizhong tilts her head at you, bemused but gentle, before turning back to Zhongli. She lifts a hand, cups his cheek, and for the first time in millennia, he leans into her touch.
“Morax..... uh, you’ve aged so well.”
He actually laughs—half a sob, half disbelief. His golden eyes glisten.
Behind you, the Adepti are losing it. Moon Carver actually covers his face. Mountain Shaper mutters, “Impossible.” Cloud Retainer’s voice warbles like she’s about to sob some shit.
But you’re not done. Oh no. Because Guizhong was only part one.
You clap your hands together. “Alright, bonus DLC time: Yaksha Reunion Tour.”
Liyue Arc: The Yakshas Return
The ground shakes harder this time. Black karmic miasma that’s clung to Liyue for millennia suddenly dissolves, like smoke in the wind.
And then they step forward.
Bosacius. Bonanus. Indarias. Menogias. Tralalero Tralala.
The lost Yakshas. +1
Xiao freezes. His polearm slips from his grasp, clattering to the stone. His breath catches in his throat.
“…No.” His voice is barely a whisper. “…You’re not real.”
Bosacius laughs, loud and warm, clapping him on the shoulder so hard Xiao nearly topples. “Still short, huh?”
“Xiao!” Bonanus immediately fusses over him, grabbing his face. “You’re skin and bones! Did you stop eating again? I swear—”
Indarias ruffles his hair mercilessly. Menogias just smiles that soft, steady smile Xiao remembers from his nightmares and dreams alike.
And Xiao—stoic, silent, hardened Xiao—breaks.
He collapses to his knees, shoulders shaking, sobbing into Bosacius’s chest as his comrades swarm him in an embrace that looks like it’ll never break again.
You’re sitting cross-legged on a rock, slurping your boba, tears streaming down your face anyway.
“Yep. Worth it. This patch rules.”
The Adepti? Absolutely gone. Cloud Retainer’s voice cracks as she mutters, “The five… together again.” Moon Carver turns away, tears running down his muzzle. Even Mountain Shaper is sniffling.
Guizhong smiles, watching them all, before looking at Zhongli again. “You’ve carried so much, Morax. But you don’t have to anymore.”
And Zhongli—Zhongli, who has carried wars, nations, gods—finally allows himself to sag against her shoulder.
The Yakshas laugh and cry, Xiao buried in the arms of the only family he’s ever had.
The Adepti weep.
Zhongli trembles.
And you, God-Player Extraordinaire, raise your cup and declare:
“Ladies, gents, and enbies— Liyue’s trauma speedrun has officially been canceled. You’re welcome.”
Mondstadt Arc: The Family Reunion Special
Mondstadt greets you with wine, song, and the faint smell of someone making bad choices at the tavern. (Spoiler: it’s always Venti.)
But you didn’t come here for dandelion wine. No, you came here to fix Mondstadt’s pile of trauma corpses.
You clap your hands. “Alright, step one: bring back the Falcon baddie.”
The Anemo wind howls, feathers scatter, and out steps Vanessa—tall, radiant, carrying the aura of freedom itself.
The Knights of Favonius collectively scream.
“...Oh my Archons,” Jean gasps, hand over her heart. Amber drops her bow. Eula chokes on her own spit. Even Kaeya—smiling bastard extraordinaire—looks like someone just erased his poker face.
Vanessa tilts her head, surveying the crowd, then immediately starts barking orders. “You. Straighten your stance. You—your shield is too low. Mondstadt’s defenses are sloppy.”
The Knights fall over themselves obeying. Jean nearly faints. Amber salutes like her life depends on it.
Kaeya mutters under his breath, “Oh, she’s terrifying. I like her.”
Meanwhile, you’re cackling like a maniac. “Yes, queen, whip them into shape.”
Venti, for once, is quiet. Watching her. There’s reverence in his eyes. He bows his head, whispering, “Falcon of the West… you’ve returned.”
But you’re not done yet.
“Oh no,” you say, pulling a lyre out of thin air. “Guess who else I’m bringing back for emotional devastation.”
The wind sings. Notes flutter in the air. And then—soft footsteps. A voice, clear as spring water.
The Nameless Bard.
Venti’s head jerks up. His eyes go wide. His entire body freezes.
“...No.” His voice cracks. “No, it can’t be—”
The Bard smiles. “My friend... did you really think I’d leave you alone with the job?”
And Venti—Archon, drunk, eternal, whimsical Venti—breaks.
He rushes forward, grabbing the Bard by the shoulders, clutching him like he’ll vanish again. Tears stream down his face, his voice shaking.
“I—I watched you die. I held your lyre. I—”
“Yeah, well,” the Bard interrupts gently, resting a hand over Venti’s heart, “turns out your God’s got better respawn settings than Celestia.” He tilts his head at you. “Thanks, stranger.” sheeshfourthwallbreaking
You lift your boba in salute. “Anytime, king. Now sing him something before I start crying harder than him.”
Venti and the Bard collapse into a duet, voices twining together, laughter breaking through tears. Mondstadt gathers to listen, and for once, it feels whole.
But you’re still not done.
Because there’s a certain man with a certain winery. And a certain tragic son with daddy issues.
You clap your hands. “Alright, Ragnvindr family reunion, let’s go.”
And from the mist—Crepus Ragnvindr.
Diluc is halfway through polishing a glass at Angel’s Share when the room goes dead silent.
“...Father?” His hand trembles. The glass shatters on the counter.
Crepus steps forward, solid, real, smiling warmly. “Diluc. My boy. You’ve grown so strong.”
Diluc doesn’t move. Doesn’t breathe. For a long moment, he’s a statue. Then suddenly he’s across the tavern, gripping his father’s shoulders with white knuckles, staring into his face like it might dissolve.
Kaeya appears in the doorway, eyes wide. His mouth opens, then closes, then opens again.
“...Oh,” Kaeya says weakly. “This is gonna be… complicated.”
You lean back on a barstool, eating popcorn. “Family therapy speedrun, baby.”
Diluc clings to his father. Kaeya hovers awkwardly until Crepus drags him into the hug too, because he’s a dad like that.
And then, because you can’t resist:
“Hey Timmy, come here a sec.”
The kid toddles over, suspicious, still bitter about the pigeons.
“Want your dad back?” you ask casually.
The kid blinks. “...What?”
You snap your fingers.
A weathered man with kind eyes appears by the fountain. He freezes, then spots Timmy. “...Son?”
Timmy’s eyes widen. His mouth opens, closes, then he lets out a wail that rattles the whole plaza. He sprints forward, throwing himself into his father’s arms.
The entire city bursts into tears. Even Kaeya is wiping his eye.
And you? You cross your arms and announce to the skies:
“TIMMY LORE: FIXED.” “TIMMY LORE: FIXED.”
Snezhnaya Arc: Harbinger Hell
Teleporting into Zapolyarny Palace is like stepping into a cutscene you weren’t supposed to access yet.
The Fatui Harbingers are gathered. The air is colder than your ex’s texts. Pierro sits at the head of the table, looking like he hasn’t smiled since Khaenri’ah fell.
Perfect setup.
You kick open the door. “HEY BESTIES, GUESS WHO I’M BRINGING BACK.”
The Harbingers snap to attention. Weapons flare. Dottore already has three clones out. Childe looks like he’s about to throw hands.
And then she steps in.
Rosalyne-Kruzchka Lohefalter. The Crimson Witch. Signora.
The room implodes.
Childe’s jaw drops. “...Lady Rosalyne?”
Pulcinella makes a noise like a dying chicken. Sandrone actually drops her puppet. Even Dottore’s clones stutter.
Pierro… Pierro stops breathing.
Rosalyne smirks, tilting her head. “Miss me, darlings?”
Childe straight-up cries. Like ugly cries. He rushes forward, grabbing her hand, babbling something about “I thought you were gone—” before she cuts him off with a sharp ruffle of his hair.
“Pathetic,” she says affectionately.
Pierro, stone-faced, finally moves. He stands, approaches her slowly, like he’s afraid she’ll vanish. His mask tilts just enough for you to see his mouth tremble.
“Rosalyne,” he rasps.
“Pierro.” She smiles. “You still brood like an old dog.”
“...Speaking of dogs,” you say loudly, because you cannot resist. “Fetch.”
And with a snap of your fingers—Pierro’s dog materializes.
The First Harbinger—the stern, calculating, terrifying Pierro—falls to his knees. The massive, fluffy mutt barrels into him, tail wagging, licking his face.
Pierro drops his staff and clutches the dog, actually laughing—a low, broken sound. The Harbingers gape like their brains just blue-screened.
You fold your arms. “Yep. Trauma patch installed. You’re welcome.”
Signora leans back against the table, smirking at the chaos. “Well, this is going to be fun.”
Sumeru Arc: The Desert Wakes, The Bloom Returns
Enter: Chaos God Player
By now, Teyvat’s gotten used to your nonsense. Sort of. (They haven’t. Nobody has. They just pretend.) Every nation’s still reeling from the earlier “no dead people allowed” policy patch, and then suddenly you appear in Sumeru.
And when you appear, it’s not quiet. Oh no. You slam down into Aaru Village square like a Tumblr blog with 200 unread asks: loud, chaotic, and very much not prepared to be serious.
“Okay desert,” you clap your hands, “let’s see what DLC content you’re hiding. Where’s my big red pyramid man? Where’s my flower mom? Where’s—wait hold up—where’s Jett’s dad???”
Candace nearly drops her spear. Dehya stops mid-bite of kebab. Cyno is trying very hard not to do a pun because this feels like a religious experience but also extremely meme-worthy.
wasup sandy bois King Deshret.exe has logged in
When you finally revive King Deshret, it is, to be blunt, a server crash.
One minute the desert is still, dry, mournful; the next minute a colossal presence erupts like a volcano. The pyramid temples hum, golden light burns across the dunes, and then—there he is.
Not a statue. Not a ghost. Not a memory. A full-blown, very-much-alive King Deshret, standing with molten eyes that scream “hello, yes, I am your dad AND your god AND your catastrophic lore bomb, what’s up.”
And you? You’re just standing there sipping boba. “Sup. Welcome back. Don’t destroy the planet, pls. we dun hv another adult nahida version takin the sacrifice, thx."
Nahida appears via teleport like she just ragequit a Discord call and rejoined. “YOU—YOU CAN’T JUST—DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS—”
“Yeah,” you say. “Lore patch: tragedy deleted. Now go hug your 8-foot-tall sun dad, shrub.”
Nahida, who has been holding Sumeru’s trauma on her tiny shoulders for five hundred years, actually bursts into tears. Deshret kneels, scooping her up like he never vanished. The desert literally blooms at his touch, golden lotuses spreading where his footsteps fall.
Twitter (if Teyvat had it) would break.
shalalalala The Flower Goddess Returns
But you’re not done. Oh no. You scan the air dramatically. “WHERE is my Flower Wife.”
The desert suddenly smells like spring rain and dreamwine. The Flower Goddess, Nabu Malikata, steps out of what looks like a doorway carved from light itself.
She looks… impossibly gentle. A soft smile, robes trailing in petals, every inch of her whispering life, growth, kindness. When she sees Deshret alive again, the scream Nahida lets out could shatter Irminsul itself.
The three gods—Deshret, Greater Lord Rukkhadevata’s essence through Nahida, and Nabu Malikata—embrace in the desert sun. The holy trinity restored. Sumeru is bawling. Cyno, stone-faced, looks like he’s about to cry too but instead mutters, “I must remain… cactus-cool.”
You: “So basically I just dropped the Mother-Father DLC expansion. You’re welcome.”
Kaveh faints from joy and architecture stress simultaneously.
But wait, Jett’s Dad
This one hits harder. Because when you finally whisper your power into the bones of the desert and pull forth Jett’s father from the abyss, it’s not loud. It’s quiet.
The man stumbles forward in old mercenary gear, scarred and sun-baked, blinking at the light. His daughter freezes, weapon half-drawn, then drops everything to run into his arms.
The embrace is raw. Broken. Years of wandering and grief undone in an instant. Dehya has to physically walk away because it’s too much. Even Cyno mutters something about “justice being restored” while lowkey wiping his eyes.
You ruin the moment by slurping your boba dramatically. “Wholesome content unlocked. Achievement: Family Reunion.”
But deep down, you’re crying too. Cuz fuck their long ass quest.
Aftermath in Sumeru
Akademiya scholars are screaming in seventeen dialects because suddenly their “mythical” history just showed up in person.
Deshret is already planning desert infrastructure like a Minecraft dad with too much Redstone.
Malikata is teaching Nahida how to care for Irminsul like a mother hen.
Jett is clinging to her dad and refuses to let him leave her sight.
And you? You’re liveblogging it all in your divine Tumblr voice:
“Sumeru patch notes: sandy dad is back, flower mom is back, shrub baby is healing, desert trauma deleted. Also Cyno cried but don’t tell him I said that.”
Fontaine Arc: Ctrl+Z-ing Irminsul
Fontaine is already unstable (lawsuits, water levels, Furina’s everything) when you crash through like a gremlin god with too much free time.
“HELLO FOUNTAIN PEOPLE,” you announce. “Guess what? I hate memory erasure mechanics. Ctrl+Z time.”
Neuvillette tries to look composed but his tail is twitching. Furina is immediately on the floor screaming. Lyney, Lynette, and Freminet are side-eyeing you like “…are we about to get new siblings??”
And oh boy.
You reach into Irminsul’s roots like you’re dragging old Tumblr blogs out of the void, and suddenly names, faces, entire people start to exist again.
The missing siblings. The lovers forgotten. The parents wiped out by Celestia’s delete key.
People who were once “erased from history” are just walking around again, blinking like they woke up from a nap.
The city collectively loses its mind. Citizens reunite with loved ones they didn’t even know they lost. It’s a cascade of laughter and sobbing.
And you? You’re just like: “Lol canon is fake actually.”
dance kms queen for the sake of holy blood purification water Focalors.exe is BACK
Then, casually, you clap your hands. “Oh, almost forgot—Focalors, get out here.”
A familiar, radiant Hydro figure appears, eyes like stormy seas, posture full of playful dignity. The real Archon.
Furina. Screams. So loud. She clutches her wig (which is real hair, but still). “I—BUT—I—?!?!”
Neuvillette literally drops his composure for half a second. His voice rumbles like a storm: “…my Lady.”
The reunion is earth-shattering. Furina collapses into Focalors’s arms, sobbing incoherently, while Focalors comforts her with infinite patience. The people of Fontaine are shook beyond words.
You, sipping tea: “Anyway, you now have two Hydro Archons. Consider it a BOGO sale.”
Aftermath in Fontaine
The Court is a hot mess. Trials have to be re-opened, families restored, whole lineages re-acknowledged.
Furina is being force-fed soup by Focalors for the first time in centuries.
Neuvillette is crying dragon tears but trying to act like he isn’t. Spoiler: he is.
Lyney, Lynette, and Freminet are wondering if you can bring back their biological parents just because you feel like it.
And you, of course, are posting on Divine Tumblr:
“Fontaine patch notes: history un-deleted, Hydro Mom 2.0 unlocked, Furina now has parental supervision, Dragon Dad got his therapy session. You’re welcome.”
Natlan Arc: Dragons, Fire, and the Guy With Too Much Armor
You descend into Natlan like a Tumblr blogger who just found a new hyperfixation.
The people are mid-festival, fire dancing under the sun, dragons circling in the sky—and then BOOM. The sky splits open with your dramatic “✨God Has Arrived✨” entrance.
Everyone freezes. A child drops their roasted meat skewer. A dragon literally screeches and does a backflip midair.
And you? You just clap your hands and go: “ALRIGHT NATLAN. PATCH TIME. SOMEONE GO FETCH ME THAT ONE BIG ARMOR BOY. YEAH, THE EDGE-LORD ONE. CAPITANO.EXE IS GETTING UN-DELETED.”
The people of Natlan: “??????”
The Capitano Revival
Here’s the thing. Capitano isn’t supposed to be here. He’s Fatui, he’s supposed to be far away, he’s supposed to be… dead? lost? erased? Lore unclear. Doesn’t matter. You just grab him out of wherever Celestia threw him and drop him in front of Natlan’s fire pit like a DLC character reveal.
The crowd goes SILENT.
The man is huge. Impossibly huge. His armor glints like night itself. He takes one look around, realizes he’s in his homeland, and his hand trembles.
He drops to his knees in the dirt of Natlan. His voice is a rasp: “…home?”
And you’re just like, “Yep. Respawned you. Boredom patch. You’re welcome, Metal Dad.”
The chieftains and elders are losing their MINDS. Some cry. Some scream. Some bow. Because this man is a legend, and he’s here. Alive.
Capitano doesn’t even try to keep it together. The Natlan dragon-lords descend, sniff him like big cats, and accept him back.
It’s an emotional trainwreck. The nation is shaking. And you’re on the sidelines drinking Capri-Sun like: “Lore bomb dropped, who’s next.”
Aftermath: A New Teyvat
The continent is in chaos—but for once, it’s good chaos.
Families are whole.
Archons are no longer haunted by grief.
Nations celebrate, confused but happy.
Celestia is probably having a stroke.
And you? You sit on a divine throne made of Tumblr memes, sipping your drink, updating your blog:
Divine Patch Notes Final:
“Anyway,” you say aloud, smirking at the Traveler, “game cleared. No one dies on my watch. You’re welcome :)"
Every nation now worships you not just as a god, but as a Tumblr shitposter incarnate. Shrines are built with quotes like “lore deleted, deal with it” engraved on the walls.
The people pray, laugh, and live without fear of loss.
And somewhere above, Celestia looks down, watching the world they once controlled spiral into chaos. Their carefully written tragedies undone, their power shattered.
They whisper, terrified:
“What… are they?”
And somewhere in a shrine, a devout follower answers for you:
“They’re our Player. They’re our God. And they’re bored out of their mind.”
The end.
wow. that was. a lot. 💀 if you made it all the way here, congratulations————you have survived my 30k-word emotional rollercoaster disguised as a tumblr crackpost.
final thoughts:
canon is dead. i killed it and then revived it for comedy.
every character you love is alive now. you’re welcome.
did i fix genshin impact lore or did i make it 10x more unhinged? the answer is yes.
this fic doubles as a therapy substitute and a tumblr liveblog from hell.
anyway, thanks for reading, don’t forget to like, reblog, and sacrifice your daily commissions to me, your local chaos god ✨🙏✨
okay bye [ascends back into the abyss]
