It feels like a friend (29M) tries to "win" conversations, how do I (29M) deal with this?
I (29M) have always really enjoyed spending time with a close friend of mine (29M), but lately I’ve started feeling a bit anxious when interacting with him. It often feels like anything I say or ask turns into an opportunity for him to show that he already knows everything about the topic (and that I don’t). It’s getting to the point where I sometimes avoid bringing up certain subjects entirely, because I expect I’ll just get lectured. I also get the sense that he struggles to admit when he doesn’t know something. For example, when we’re talking about something we both have some knowledge of (but aren’t experts in), I might ask a general, open-ended question just to think it through together. Instead of discussing it, he’ll launch into a long explanation of how things are according to him, without really leaving space for me or anyone else to contribute. What’s especially frustrating is when I know some of what he’s saying isn’t correct: if I question anything he says, he tends to pivot immediately: “No, I didn’t mean it like that, what I meant was [complete opposite]…” and then just keeps going. On the flip side, when he doesn’t know something, he rarely admits it. Instead, he’ll ask a question in a slightly annoyed tone, as if the topic itself doesn’t make sense. When we explain, he responds with something like, “Ohhh, that’s what you meant,” in a way that makes it feel like we just didn’t explain it properly rather than him simply not being familiar with it. Then he’ll often repeat the explanation back to us as if he’s the one clarifying it. Having conversations like this is honestly pretty draining. I catch myself disengaging or not wanting to speak up because it feels like he’s constantly looking for chances to prove his knowledge. Whether it’s to me, himself, or others, I’m not sure. The thing is, it didn’t used to be like this. We used to have long, thoughtful discussions where we could explore ideas together, even when neither of us knew everything. Now it feels more like he’s trying to “win” every conversation. How do I approach it without creating tension?
When you start putting limitations and expectations on an open conversation, you really limit yourself and make it impossible. You cannot approach this without creating tension because it's not solely up to you. It might very well be tense! That might even be a necessary part of resolving and moving forward from this! By trying to avoid tension, you're really just trying to avoid the issue. Same thing when people come asking "how can I do this without starting an argument?" or "how can I break up without upsetting/hurting them?" or "how can I get them to agree with me?". Impossible asks. Whenever you interact with other people, A) they are allowed to have their feelings like you have yours, B) everyone contributes to the environment, and C) everyone has the autonomy to choose how they react. The other living, breathing person is a variable you simply can't control. You can approach things as gently or sensitively or open-mindedly as possible, but nothing is going to guarantee that the other person does what you want instead of what they want. All you can do is have this conversation and hope he values the friendship enough to both listen and work on altering this behavior. But you can't go in with the perfect plan to make this an easy, smooth, non-fraught conversation because that's just not how human (or any animal!) interaction works. I'm sorry. Best of luck!
