#olj

JUST BECAUSE…                                                 

Just because I’m lazy, doesn’t mean I’m not smart      Just because I hangout with boys, doesn’t mean I’m a slut Just because I curse, doesn’t mean I’m a bad person Just because I’m talkative, doesn’t mean I can’t be trusted nor I only talk non-sense. Just because I’m always joking, doesn’t mean I can’t be serious. Just because I don’t say something, doesn’t mean I’m not aware. Just because I’m quiet, doesn’t mean it’s okay 

Hi, I’m Jamie Santos. 19 years old and currently taking up AB Broadcasting at the University of the East-Manila. Please allow me to talk about myself as I would like to share with you my autobiography. No this is not about sugar-coating my name nor my image. This is me sharing something personal so you can know me better.

Let me introduce myself properly. My name is Justine Mae Santos, but you can call me Jamie or Jam whichever you prefer. Residing in Angono, Rizal with my family but right now I am living with my friends here in Manila. I am fully aware that my life isn’t perfect. It has always been a roller coaster ride. Sounds cliché,   eh? I came from a broken family. My mother left when I was still young. She is currently working in Canada. We are in good terms though. I haven’t seen her for almost 15 years now but we still have connection. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not mad at my mom even if she chose her career and ambitions over us, her family. I had to admit, it’s hard to grow without a mom. No one’s there to dress me up, no one understands me when it comes to girl’s problem. Even on our special occasion, she’s not there. My debut, my graduation, my birthdays, the day I had my period. It always feels like something is missing.

On the other hand, my father raised me and my brother alone. I had a step mother when I was 9 but eventually they broke up when I turned college. It was like a large thorn was finally removed from my chest. I’d be a hypocrite if I’d say I liked her. I blame her for ruining my childhood; but I thank her for being a part of my life. If it wasn’t for her, I won’t be this strong and I won’t be this independent. If I’m going to tell the story in full details I’ll be finishing my blog next year. Going back, we didn’t had a good relationship. It feels as if she is the gap between me and my father. She is jealous of me, she calls me stuff like “malandi and sipsip” she is also saying that “maaga akong mabubuntis” well, that didn’t stop me from living. I must say, I felt separated with my father. I felt alone. I have no one to talk to and I didn’t had the guts to tell my father everything she did because he is happy with her and that is more than enough, as long as my dad is happy. Moving on, I also have a step brother, he is the oldest. We may not have the same father but I love him as much as I love my other brother. 

My brother is like my best friend, we grew up together, we did everything together, we fight a lot and I love him so much. My brother and my dad means the world to me. I don’t know what I’ll do without them. But despite the amount of love I have for my brother, there’s this one thing that I feel about him... Jealousy. My father always taught us that jealousy is the ugliest trait that a person has. Yet, I envy my brother so much. I envy the attention he’s getting. I don’t feel that my relatives love me as much as they love him. But even though he always had this charm in him. He never fail to make me feel love. He protects me in his own ways, he expresses his love towards me without saying a word. With that, I can already feel that he’s sharing the love he’s getting to me. I will be forever grateful for my boys (My Dad and My Bro) and I wouldn’t trade them for anything even if I would have a chance.

Moving on to my friends, growing up I had to deal with bullies. When I was in high school, they will always bully me due to my colds. I do have an allergic rhinitis so it is my talent to sneeze 20 times a row and to have a cold everyday. I have always been underestimated, judged and hated by everyone. I don’t know why they take it as a joke when I say I have anxiety. I may be happy on the outside but I’m broken on the inside. It is true that we cannot please everyone. Whatever you do, they will always have something to say. Even though I have a squad, I always feel that I am the most unwanted one. I am always the “last option” and the “no choice”. I have been through lots of toxic relationship. “Plastic, malandi, madaldal, nakakairita, hindi mapagkakatiwalaan” has always been my attributes. Well, that’s how they describe me and I just got used to it. Nevertheless, I do have friends who stayed by my side regardless of my attitude. I am confident enough that I am fun to be with, sometimes. I believe that my attitude is always based on how they treat me.

However, all those demeaning words made me strong, it made me realize that maybe something is really wrong with me and I have to make it right. I took all of it as a motivation. I am not perfect. I know. But because of those words, I am here where I want to be right now. I am blessed with lots of opportunities and I am doing what I love which is hosting. I know I can do better and there’s a lot of possibilities ahead of me. My family, friends, and Mark have always supported me in everything. They are more than enough. I couldn’t ask for more. They are the reason why I’m still here. Fighting. I can say that I have all the love that I need. 

I am not saying all of this to gain pity nor to seek attention. I just want to share with you how I won this battle. People will always have something to say; but it is up to you whether you let them destroy you or you go and live your life. Don’t think about other people’s opinions about you. Be you. Don’t let other people define you. Own yourself. Me? I may be annoying, but my only purpose is to make people happy. So, if you’re annoyed feel free to leave and close the door. I will continue to walk in my own shoes.

Psalm 118:6 The LORD is on my side; I will not fear. What can man do to me?  1 Corinthians 16:13 Be on guard. Stand firm in the faith. Be courageous. Be strong.