#oldwords

you occupy a corner of space in my mind. 

i just want a cup of coffee

and a conversation

and you to have me

 in & under your sheets

toes curling & fingers clawing 

where did i falter. how do i fix the ache of emptiness?

and when its over, you curl your hand on the small of my back. 

there is rest. 

author’s note: I wrote this a while ago. I honestly don’t even remember when. I didn’t post it, because I felt it was too raw, too real, too revealing, too direct... and despite the fact that this is my outlet, at the time, it felt like too much. then, a couple of days ago, I posted it out of a burst of emotions from being reminded of some of the pain I felt then, that still lingers today. but then I deleted it as suddenly as I posted it. I think, even then, it was too raw, too real, too revealing, too direct.

but you know, this is my creative outlet. my emotional outlet.

so I would like to say the following:

there are a lot of feelings here that I still feel. there are also some that I have reconsidered. with that being said, I leave it in its unedited form to remind myself that at one point, I felt all of these things. At one point, these feelings were valid. they may still be. honestly,

i would like to know if they are still valid today, but the fact is, I haven’t had a real conversation with the people to which these messages are addressed. therefore, a lot of this is based on assumption.

and I don’t feel comfortable with assumptions. 

i would like them to be able to defend themselves. I would not want them to see this as an attack. this is just a girl who misses her friends. .

i still love these two people. more than they know. they are so special to me. that’s why the contents are so sensitive.

i hope that one day I can have real, face-to-face conversations with these individuals. I hope one day I have the strength to show them that I love them. And I hope they know how much I want them to be happy, and how much I miss them.

 a kind of missing, a kind of love, that leaves me gripping at my chest with hot tears from the pain of losing their friendship.

i don’t mean to be dramatic. i am being completely candid. i am cursed by the way that I love. 

i love my friends. i invest so much in them, so when they leave me, i am as broken as a girl who was freshly dumped by her significant other. it’s that profound. i don’t know how else to convey this.

anyway,

i know I have to keep learning to let go. i have to accept that some people are only comfortable holding me at a distance. i may also have to accept that some people may out-grow me. some people may not want me in their lives anymore.

i am learning... but as i learn, these are the words that come out.

so, please, don’t view this from a lens of scrutiny.  these words come from a young, sad girl, who just... misses her friends and mourns the past. 

that’s all.

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you willingly remain in the shadows

not an active participant of my life by any shape or sort.

not even a bystander. a fly on the wall. something I'd be able to see. to notice. --- one:

to notice that i am no longer your close friend.

I pretend that I don't care, but it’s clear that I do.

its hard to ignore. and I recognize that it’s a form of jealousy. of course I hate myself for it. but not because I NEED what you give to others. I never ASKED for it.  it hurts and makes me jealous because it highlights how you actively sifted me out of your life.  and I was brave once, and met with you, to ask why? had I done something wrong? to make you distant?

no, you said, you’re just so busy. you treat all your friends like this.

but I don’t know if this is true anymore. social media is a demon that constantly reminds me of all the ways you are present- active- in everyone else’s lives

except

mine.

tell me how you really feel! i’d rather your honesty than your superficiality! if i’m not good enough to be your close friend anymore, then fine! but just say so!

you preach inclusivity, social support, openness. but i’m too much of a coward to express my feelings to your face for the second time.

---

two: flashback to the winter: an old friend warms me a cup of tea. we sit in her living room. I express my continuing anguish over you. she, in her bluntest way that I've come to love her for, informs me that most likely, you don't feel.

you don't feel.

how could he, she says, tell you how he really feels if he just stopped feeling a long time ago.

and it sinks in. and I laugh nervously and tell her "you're right"

"you can't hold out for someone like that, Melanie"

"you're right."

it isn't love I seek. but it is. it so is, isn't it? romance is gone. it died. I buried it. 

but your tenderness. your genuine concern, not guarded by this idea that you pity me or feel the need to respond out of politeness. where is it? 

where is your face?

"I haven't seen her"

"I probably won't"

I wish I knew why. 

---

it's funny. you're both becoming these personas. these websites. these pictures of people online. a presence. a string of hashtags. a resume upon request.

but I know you're both more than those things. yet I feel like I'm no longer allowed to get to enjoy the physical people beyond the digital profile. 

I feel like I've lost my membership to your friendship.

you're the only people in my life who have made that decision about me. I guess that's why it hurts. because it's so rare.

it makes me feel like maybe I'm just not enough.

why do I care?

because, my dears, once upon a time, I cared about you two.

 so. damn. much.