#ofthesoul

When you’re in pain, where do you go? Mostly inside yourself. You spiral into a darkness that is all consuming and threatens to tear you to shreds. 

We hardly ever ask for help, we get up most days and push through because we have to. 

The world doesn’t stop because you’re heart is breaking, nothing stops because you’re insides are eating themselves up. 

When I thought I had nobody, God made sure that I knew without knowing that I  had somebody that believed in me, that cared without pushing the limits on my boundaries. 

My cousin Jav, was like a soft voice in the distance cheering me on and propelling me forward when I lived in FL, somedays he was all that got me through. When I felt I had nowhere to go, I had San Antonio, Tx. I welcomed the idea of a new space where nothing was required of me after years of giving and giving to relationships, jobs, friendships. I just needed a piece of peace

Even though I never had the family that I wanted, I still believed in what it means to be family. I treated members of my namesake the way that I wanted them to treat me. Mostly always giving energy that wasn’t reciprocated, and still being okay with that; because at least I can always say I gave with pure intentions real parts of myself.  

Going to TX showed me that I was right to believe in family. I was accepted, cared for, paid attention to, included, believed in. On Sundays I could sit in the background and admire dinner being prepared, games being played and love being shown. There was hugs, there was laughter, there were genuine ‘I love you’ being uttered. It was beautiful. It was what I needed at that time. 

I’ve lived in places with entire families before, I’ve seen several different dynamics but I never felt like I belonged in any of those dynamics.

Here, I belonged. It was the pancakes in the morning, and the home cooked meals and the late night runs to the store for things we didn’t really need. It was in the way that I could rest my tired heart. I didn’t have to do anything other than exist, and that was okay. It was the space carved out for me on the porch where I spent majority of my time healing and licking my wounds staring into the backyard. It was the self care in the hair cuts and face masks, the movie nights, the music.