🙅♂️ what does my muse feel insecure about ?
what does my muse feel insecure about ?
dan heng can’t swim. at least, not at first.
he knows how ridiculous it sounds. not only is it absurd for a luofu vidyadhara to not be able to swim, but for the reincarnation of the imbibitor lunae it’s unheard of in their many, many, many lifetimes. in my interpretation of luofu vidyadhara, their very biology adjusts to their surroundings through both alchemical and natural means. they are, tiny little adjustments to evolution over the years, unrelated to the core being of a vidyadhara which has been preserved over millions of lifetimes and suspended while long remains in their stasis. a vidyadhara will always be draconic in blood, long life, capable of conjuring cloudhymn magic, and lay unfertilised eggs. the vidyadhara of the luofu will always have an increased lung capacity, know the tragic arias of their race, have the capability to grow webs between their fingers and toes, as well as grow scales beneath the water, emerge as most have from the lunarescent depths ready to call the ocean their home. dan heng was extracted from lunarescent depths as soon as he’d hatched, and up until the moment he was exiled from the luofu he had never willingly gone into the water.
one of the memories that remained with dang heng during his time in the shackling prison was the memory of where cloud piercer, and the bracer were. it was hidden in an underwater grotto far, far, far beneath the surface, and compelled to reach them in order to find answers for dan feng’s sins, dan heng dived to get them. he did not have the lung capacity of a vidyadhara trained, since birth, to dive. traumatised into his human disguise, with his cloudhymn trapped behind a mental barrier, he did not have the capability to breath underwater. he dived a total of three times to get those items back, damn near drowning during that final attempt, and since then, dan heng has refused to enter deep water. this aversion to it, this need to make sure his re-entrance and refamiliarising to water is a quiet, and private acquaintance is a reminder of his otherness to other vidyadhara. this alienation from his own race where once he had been revered ( conditionally ) still stings and makes him insecure in a way he cannot properly convey. though he has been scorned by his own race, and knows he should not seek their validation, there is a part of him that will always wish this wasn’t the case, that mourns the chance to experience his own culture, this belonging that should be his by birthright. this insecurity manifests still in research about his own race, hopes of interaction outside of the luofu, to witness culture outside of those who have only known of dan feng as a sinner, but it will never feel like enough.
i think about how dan heng has never held an elder’s hand to his forehead as a sign of greeting, how the way he came to learn cloudhymn was through the most violent means instead of surrounded by peers, how he had never learned to harmonise in a vidyadhara aria with other voices before. to be so alienated from his own culture might not hurt so much if he didn’t have dan feng’s memories, or the memories of the imbibitor lunae that came before to remind him what it had been like. even if dan feng had still kept a wide berth from most of his kind, he was still included. he did not grow up in complete isolation. he did not go mad with loneliness to the point where the memories of his past selves were the only comfort he had after counting the black stone bricks of his cell over and over and over again ( 347 on the east wall, 352 on the north, and south, 352.5 on the west, and 248 on the ceiling. ) for this, he resented him. and for this, dan heng grows awkward whenever asked about his race, his species, because for him, it’s as if he’s been looking at his kind from behind a glass wall for his entire life.
