#odetomyself

He asked her after a talk, “would i still see you picking up the pieces” 

and wholeheartedly she said “yes i will, even if i have to over and over again, if thats the only way for you to see how you mean to me”

She said that even if thats impossible, Impossible because you cant repeatedly save someone, my love you also have to save yourself. She said that beause she loves him so much she’s scared of losing him even if it means she’s gonna lose herself. 

In the end he still left.

“why did you ask me that? you have made your mind already, thats bullshit” she thought to herself.

 I have been sitting here trying to think about where it is I want to begin but there is no sure fire way to do so and guarantee that you will want to keep reading. You're here, you already want to read this; so here it goes.

 A little over 6 years ago I had the exact same high school schedule with a girl that I had known since middle school but we had never really talked; we just knew of each other's existence. Her name was Carly and although at the beginning of the semester we had the same schedule I decided to move to Honors English and that changed my schedule, we still had this Digital Photography class. Our last names both started with S so we sat right next to each other in the back of the room next to two other girls we never really liked talking to.

 We became friends instantly. First it was because we couldn't help laughing over our teacher's perky response to a cold room and jokes like "It's getting nipply in here". Then it was because those jokes and ones like it never stopped, we never went a day without laughing. (If you find someone who can make you laugh for absolutely no reason- keep them in your life- forever)

 You see the friendship that Carly and I have is an amazing one but it is not the one that this story is about. You see I had to tell you about Carly so that I could then tell you that after a year of knowing her, she introduced me to Eli.

 It was my sophomore year in high school and my second year on the swim team. On the first day of practice Carly walked into the lobby where the swim team hung out before practice and in followed Eli. Every girl on the team cooed over him and made it more than obvious that they wanted him. Some even went as far as staring at his you-know-what’s while swimming behind him. Yeah, I know.

 And no, I was not part of the group that cooed or stared at him during practice- I actually wanted to get to know the guy first before I decided to completely melt for him. Not going to lie though, he does have a cute butt and eyes that are so blue you could get lost in them like you could in the Pacific Ocean.

 Anyway, while all of the other girls fantasized about kissing him and called dibs on who was going to ask him out first, I made it my mission just to get to know him. If Carly was friends with him then that means he couldn't be that bad of a guy. Carly didn't make many friends because she didn't like the company of the rude, annoying, and heartless. Her words not mine.

 Instead of darting behind him on the bus after practice and trying to get a good seat near him like the others I sat four rows back and just minded my own business. Soon after a few practices we shortly became acquainted and he kept hanging in Carly and I's circle.

 One day on the bus on the way to practice he asked if he could listen to my music with me, and so while we listened to Gaga's Pokerface, we danced, sung, and laughed all the way to the pool. Another day I was sitting on the outskirts of the team in the lobby while we waited for practice and Eli came over and squatted in front of me asking me what was wrong (this is where the butterflies began to flutter); even though there was nothing wrong he was still worried about me. We sat there; his worried polar ice eyes looking into mine. It felt like I could have crossed a thousand frost-bitten seas before we broke the lock.

 We spent the rest of the swim season laughing at whatever we could find to be funny- those are the types of friends that I like to make. There was one particular girl on the team who would not leave Eli alone and her name was Lillian. This girl would do anything to get into Eli's pants and played it off like it was no big deal and that everyone would do the same. Everyone knew that she was after him too.

 One day before practice I got to hang out with Eli by myself because first of all I couldn't go home- I wasn't old enough to drive yet, my parents didn't believe in wasting money on gas driving me to and from school twice a day, and I couldn't even drive my bike home and back if I wanted to; it was too far. Second of all, well... I don't know why he stayed with me, maybe it was just because he didn't like to go home, or maybe he genuinely wanted to hang out with me.

 There were many days like this. We still had the hearts of children so we would try and find any way that we could to entertain ourselves whether that was by hiding objects around the room and playing hot and cold, or laying on each other's heads on our stomachs and trying to get the other to laugh faster than the other. We didn't even need to talk about much, we were just trying to make as many memories as we can-without knowing that that was exactly what we were doing.

 Towards the end of the season we got into talking about some of our other teammates and how next year’s season was going to be so different, and that is how Lillian really came into the whole mix. You see Lillian hadn't told Eli about her major crush on him but he kind of figured when all she wanted to do was swim behind him during practice. So when we both saw her getting out of her car and since nobody else was in the lobby yet Eli wanted to hear it for himself- so he hid behind the big mural wall while I was put in charge to drag all of Lillian's feelings for him.

 While Eli eagerly awaited behind the big mural wall, I was on the other side going through small talk as quickly as I can. It wasn't hard to get her to talk- I should have skipped the small talk and went straight to talking about Eli, she didn't even need me to ask her the question. At the sound of Eli it was like I let out a pack of trained hounds who caught a scent of a coon and couldn't wait to get let out of the barn they are trapped in. I couldn't get her to stop talking about him. Twenty minutes must have went by before I instinctively grabbed one of her flip flops and threw it over the wall over to Eli. Just like a hound who's lost their tag on their collar the flip flop throwing didn't even make her pause talking about him.

 A few more minutes go by and Eli threw the flip flop back over the wall. Ha! He was tired of her babbling too! All Lillian really did was make a funny face and some comment about ghosts. It's incredible how much a crush on a boy can cloud a girls mind.

 Eli eventually came out from behind the wall once others had walked into the lobby and Lillian had stopped talking about him- and still she had no idea that he was behind there. Even after he had explained that he was the one who threw the flip flop back over all she had to say was "What did you hear?" before coach had called the rest of the team to the bus outside. Eli sat with me on the bus and as far away from Lillian as he possibly could the rest of the swim season.

1st verse:

My heart feels like a hundred pounds,

Thing about life is one mistake can put you on the ground,

Sometimes it’s hard to get up,

But time heals all wounds,

And once you can’t get back on your feet,

Then it’s time to make your wrongs,

I don’t call it redemption,

I call it resurrection,

It takes self-reflection,

Then self-empowerment

Hook:

When the light don’t shine,

And you feel down outright,

You let the pain bleed out,

Then you rise,

I promise it gets better, I promise nothing lasts forever

2nd verse:

It takes courage and strength,

Like Rosa Parks, like Django, or Joan of Arc,

When life gets rough and you done fucked up,

It means you become independent, never dependent,

The world feels lonely,

Because you realize no one gives a fuck,

They say “Let me know if you need anything, I’m here for you”,

Maybe because…it’s so damn convenient,

The only one who stayed down for me…was my momma,

Not even my twin, not even my father,

Momma, I’m sorry, I love you forever

  Hook:

When the light don’t shine,

And you feel down outright,

You let the pain bleed out,

Then you rise,

I promise it gets better, I promise nothing lasts forever

  3rd verse:

You know what’s fucked up?

Besides my luck and me fucking up?

Your father telling you that you have no future,

That if I had crashed, I deserved to have my life taken,

Because I was driving under the influence,

I made a mistake,

I thought I was good,

Sped by a cop,

Then his sirens came on,

And then I wished it was a dream,

And that I’d wake up,

But that was reality,

And what’s done is done,

I’m going to grow from this,

Rely on my own,

Take my life and drive in control,

Look back in ten years,

Look my father in the face and say I made it in life,

2 hours before my birthday. Looking back at the last year that's passed, it's been quite a... ride? So much has happened; so much that I cannot list them down one by one. Actually, I suck at remembering; I admit I have lots of false memories. Daebak.

Why am I writing this article... Simple, I just wanted to remind myself of the things I should and should not be doing at all. I'd like to give myself an encouraging, touching, and loving message; serves as a comfort, a reminder, a guide, and... a plan.

1. You're an adult now. You should know how to act your age. But if there are times, when you just can't control it, don't stop yourself. There's nothing more beautiful than being you.

2. If you don't get your way with the things that you want, let it go. Maybe it isn't for you, maybe it isn't what you deserve.

3. Cry if you have to, don't keep it all inside. Nothing hurts more than keeping all those heartaches, pain, and endurance in your heart. The heart is the most fragile part of our body, the more pressure it gets, the harder for it to handle. Cry. It softens your heart.

4. Buy only the things you NEED. You may get the things you want, so long that you have extra money for them.

5. Don't go posting articles on SNS whenever you feel bad. You may find it good, but other people just don't care.

6. Never hold grudges; learn to forgive and forget. Oops! Forget the wrongdoings, not the person involved in the misunderstanding. Arasseo?

7. Always smile. You may not notice it, but smiling does make you feel better, even if it's a fake one.

8. Love your family. In this world, everyone else can leave you behind, but family, definitely won't.

I have a lot of messages for myself. I just can't seem to enlist them all. Anyway, here are some of the good ones and...

Don't question how and why, it'll only make you feel sadder. Someday, in the right time, your questions, will be answered.