#notreallyapoem

I tried to have a change of heart towards men.

I really did.

But I have seen so many women, 

friends and strangers

all broken because of the same shit caused by them.

I do not stand and will never stand for their actions.

Nor will I ever excuse them 

from hurting a human being the way they do.

FUCK petty men, and their brainless minds.

In the end they are all the fucking same.

lately, i’ve been feeling out of place.

what i would imagine is a lot like living in the middle of no where,

or being lost at sea.

i can’t put a finger on why this feeling has taken its place. 

i have everything i need to fulfill this life.

why does this happen to people who have their shit together?

And I have lost.

And tonight I sleep,

Some days stand out in my memories

Like snapshots of things that I wish I could change

These pictures don’t have dates, no time stamps here, just a feeling, a scream of” Not Like This”

Some were dumb decisions I made.

Some were things I wish I hadn’t done

But the ones that hurt the most are the ones I had no control over

Like looking at the car sliding towards you in slow motion, just thinking. “Why?”

These days are part of me, and the pain they cause becomes more numbing each day.

I don’t know why I’m writing about them.

No. I do. It’s to make sure I don’t forget, that I CANT forget. Because I can still see the beauty in the car sliding towards me. She’s the rainbow behind the car, caused by the rain that’s the reason I’m about to die. But still.

What a beautiful picture.

I watched you pour out your soul on that stage. 

It was full of passion, anger and love. 

Your sacrifices don’t go unnoticed. 

Your energy was felt and reciprocated ten fold. 

All of us stood at attention. 

A sea of captivated faces. 

Your voice filled the theatre and connected with each sweaty body in attendance.

I’m inspired. 

My heart being ripped out.

The air being taken from my lungs.

An elephant crushing my chest,

With the weight of all of its memories.

Fear of not being able to remember all of those memories.

Disbelief over and over again.

Numb.

Angry.

Wet with tears.

Your hope being stolen from you over and over again. 

Watching it being stolen without being able to do anything.

Being in a corner with nowhere to turn.

Being made to take a history exam when you never studied history.

Remembering that you lived through the history and wishing you wrote down everything that happened.

Desperately,

Trying to remember even though it hurts.

Desperation.