Turning my feelings into writing.

it was electric, the touch of your hand on mine.

squeezing each others palms in beats of the words i love you.

i have never felt so close but also so far from someone.

i can’t stop thinking about you..

lately, i’ve been feeling out of place.

what i would imagine is a lot like living in the middle of no where,

or being lost at sea.

i can’t put a finger on why this feeling has taken its place. 

i have everything i need to fulfill this life.

why does this happen to people who have their shit together?

why are you still here?

making life so uneasy and unclear.

i thought my head and my heart

had let you go, long long ago.

you’re fucking things up inside

and the sad part is that you don’t even know.

I told you so,

he’s a runner

not a lover.

Oh how good it feels to be right.

I’ve realized when you’re sad,

everything goes in slow motion.

Starting with your emotions and tears,

and eventually to your heartbeat.

Your world starts to spin so slow 

that it feels as if it has come to a stop.

But yet a heartbreak happens so fast,

so terribly fast.

***JUST AN FYI. This is not a poem, just an update on life :)***

The other day I unfollowed you on instagram, deleted you off snapchat and got rid of our text message chain from a year ago. This literally took everything in me to do all this. I had been holding on to the thought of you and what we had and refused to let go. I kept on hoping and thinking of all the “what ifs” and giving myself the wrong information I needed to keep when really, I should have let go of every thought, every memory and every wish I had of you. 

You found another and it hit me to the core when I saw that snapchat story. I was devastated actually. It always hits you hard when you see something you love and adore belong to another. I thought I was over you but I guess in that moment I knew for a fact that my feelings for you were just as strong as they were when we were together, if not stronger. Why is it that the feels are stronger when you’re not supposed to have them? This is most likely a famous question that no one can answer. 

Now that I've seen several updates about you and her, as well as some photo evidence that you are in fact out of my reach. I have let it sink it and faced the hard truth. We will never be and we never should have been in the beginning. I do not regret anything that we did together or all the time we had shared, but what I do regret and wish never happened was letting you in so easily when I never truly knew if you were completely mine. I wish I would of had my guard up just for a little longer and been more aware of the damage that you could cause. Maybe then I wouldn’t have been so torn apart, maybe I would have just brushed you off the way you brushed me off.

The things that ran through my head were unfair. I had thought that I had to better myself and work harder when really you’re the one who should have tried harder. You let me chase and chase you around until you got tired of it. You let me spill my guts on the floor for you and make myself look weaker than I really am. And worst of all, you took control of my confidence. Making me feel like the smallest person on earth when I held you so high and talked so much game for you. Defending every wrong you had made. I was a fool for you and you clearly took full advantage of that. You made me forget my worth and the love I should of had for myself.

I no longer dream about you, or think of the good we had. I am officially done with the thought of you. And since I have removed you from my social media, I am now removing you from my life. Past and present. 

I know I had said this a billion times, but goodbye and good riddance. You are gone and I am now myself again.

He wanted complicated and

crazy but beautiful 

all in one. 

Now that you’ve gotten under my skin

do you like what you turned me into?

Complicating and crazy,

but not feeling beautiful at all.

Darling,

you should know better than to play

with an ordinary girls heart.

I bet you didn’t know that I was in your shoes this time last year. I had his hand in mine, and his kiss on my neck.

I bet you didn’t even know I spent countless sleepless nights in that very same bed.

Our bodies touching and caressing one another, making it harder but yet easier to breathe.

I bet he is making you feel the way he made me feel that summer. Telling you things men don’t say often. It’s a different but special kind of feeling, isn’t it?

I bet you think this feeling is going to last, that he going to keep you forever and always, until one day he gets bored of you and disappears.

I bet your story will be mine in the end, cause darling he’s a runner not a lover. You’ll learn very quick that he is only there to use you and then hurt you.

I bet you I am right. I know I am.

How can you mend a broken heart, 

when your dreams are broken too?

I swore to myself that when my head hit the pillow,

that my slumber would take the ache from my body.

I guess when your heart isn’t whole,

your brain also has dents in it as well.

Where have all the good guys gone?

They’re all the same.

They’re heart-breakers.. they’re thieves. 

Stealing my time and my mind space.

I swear one day, I’ll get it right.

With the right guy.

I no longer wish upon stars for you

or pick flower petals hoping for you to love me,

for it was all a waste of time and energy.

I have officially given up on the thought of you.

I am relieved and broken all at once.

So my eyes are swollen and my heart is broken.

My body aches, and my soul is blue.

They all have something in common,

that’s the true feeling of missing you.

I’m a fool for you.

I let you come back into my life,

after it took me so long to stop from 

crying over you for countless days and nights.

It’s so easy to fall back in love with you.

And then I realized.

I’m not a fool for you,

I am just a fool.

You’re like a habit I can’t quit.

The moment I think I have overcome

the thought of you.

You somehow sneak back into my mind.

The worst part is that I don’t know if

it’s good or bad.

But it hurts so good.

I tried to have a change of heart towards men.

I really did.

But I have seen so many women, 

friends and strangers

all broken because of the same shit caused by them.

I do not stand and will never stand for their actions.

Nor will I ever excuse them 

from hurting a human being the way they do.

FUCK petty men, and their brainless minds.

In the end they are all the fucking same.

One day

I will wake up without you being on my mind.

But until then

I will keep reliving and remembering

all of the good we had at one point.

I swear it was special...

Why are you still in my dreams,

keeping me so close to your soul

and giving me false hope.

Oh how I wish when I woke

that the dream would be real,

and you’d be mine again.