20.3.19: Stop.
This year so far: I have been so stressed out that physically I am not doing well. I am tired constantly, and my body hurts from working too much. I spend my days at school from 9AM to 10PM to come home and keep on working. I get frustrated at how slow I work. I want things to look a certain way, so my process is eating up the time I can’t afford. I don’t like all-nighters but I have to do them, a lot. It’s still not enough.
I’m so stressed that I’m losing certain senses. I have an increasing appetite yet food doesn’t taste much like anything, unless the spices are spiked way up (extra salty, extra spicy, extra sweet, etc.) On the other hand, I notice a decrease in my memory retention and my libido. Everything is a haze. Personal hygiene becomes a lower priority. Makeup and fashion is reduced to bare minimum, although I think it’s something I’m digging.
I’ve been thinking about my childhood a lot lately, and I really miss my mom. She’s always in my mind whenever I do something - like what she would say when I did something wrong or how she would handle things if she were in my situation. I haven’t talked to my parents in a while.
This is my first semester that my wrists are both hurting, but I try my best to practice self-care and eat well.
Groceries shopping, cooking, lunch boxes and dinner prepping, cleaning altogether is something hard to find time for. I still manage to do it - shouldn’t be eating out so often. I’m not making much money because of my classwork. My brother helps me get nutritious foods and “fun” foods to eat. If I were to shop alone, frugal me would just go for the cheapest options. It’s good that I have people like my brother and Crystal who enable me so I can have small joys in getting luxury items - like icecream or muffins.
I still try to moisturize my face and put sunscreen on. I try to have fun on Saturdays to keep me sane. I have good friends who make a strong mental support system, especially Brandon. I hope I’m good to them though, I’ve been so tired that all my thoughts go unfiltered. I worry I’ve been meaner or blunt or rude.
I socialize a lot to compensate my energy level. I think I’ve become more extroverted, but in a way that keeps me stimulated and distracted from all the stress. I haven’t written down my thoughts in a while, as I don’t really have time to do this anymore. Maybe that’s why I feel so scattered. Maybe I should spend more time just breathing, like what I was doing today during my advising appointment when my adviser needed to leave for 5 minutes. I feel more collected now actually, expressing all of this in one go.
I can’t wait until summer when this constant grind could stop for a minute. I like how much I’m learning, but the expense is high. Again and again, I remind myself how lucky I am and very grateful for the opportunity that I have. Truly, I feel like that. Adulthood is hard. Taking care of yourself is hard. Finding balance is my goal. I don’t want to overwork myself and burn out.
Today: I found out that I won’t be able to table at TitanCon... In a way, I have always had a feeling because I knew my restrictions. Still, I think I got really disappointed to have it confirmed. It halted my momentum. I was really excited to start selling my prints and setting up my booth. It got me feeling weird. I’m sad. Well, I am in tune with my emotions at the very least.
Right after I got to walk into B’s arms and we got Wingstop with each other. It comforted me tremendously. He knows what to say. On top of that, the weather is also pretty weird today. It was raining while still sunny - got a rainbow(!) and even hailed at some point. I don’t see this often in Fullerton. Haha, somehow it makes me appreciate life and the opportunities given to me.
I’ll try again in another 2 years. Maybe not preparing for TitanCon enables me to focus on other things, one less stress off my back. Until then, I really need to catch up on work.
