THE ART OF NOT BEING GOOD ENOUGH
What does it mean to be enough?
One person said, āyou donāt have to be more, or do more, or buy more to be who you are meant to be.ā
Iād like to think thatās a personās incompetent way out, to justify their laziness. Not unless you haveāitā. Yes, what āitā am I talking about? It is the mysterious quality one possesses without applying much effort. They are simply āborn with itā, āblessedā, or āGodās favoriteā whatever helps to keep your esteem from getting any lower.
But where does the āgoodā come in? Does it imply that āgoodā isnāt enough or maybe being āgoodā is being āenoughā.
One of my closest friends posted a practice film on Instagram. That statement itself already sounds like itās already going down hill. At first, I was in awe and filled with pride. But milliseconds later, the Art came crashing down. For someone who has been out of the filming game, that person was able to bounce back with greatness. I believe thereās a similarity to an artistās work that would best describe him and my friend had this; confidence. Not necessarily arrogance but rather being able to see what you are capable of doing despite your lack of resources. Honestly, almost everyone in my field has a touch of brilliance in them. Some donāt acknowledge it but others just go for it, without much thought. They know when to take a stand. Even so, itās there, I used to see it everyday. Maybe thatās why Iāve always been awkward around most people because they hold a trait that I didnāt and maybe a part of me, without knowing it, envied them.Ā
Recently, Iāve been getting a lot of the Art thoughts and Iāve been trying to come to terms with it without actually coming to terms with it a.k.a denying that I wasnāt having the Art thoughts and trying to prove to myself that I was enough by trying to pressure myself to make art. How did this end up you might ask? I ended up feeling worse because I wasnāt seeing what I wanted to see. However I donāt believe it ended up not the way I wanted because of my motives. Iāve been trying to make art for as long as I can remember. Heck, I can even remember the first time I held a crayon yet no matter how much time has passed and how much pencils Iāve put down, the results never end up like the image in my mind; not just with sketching but with filming and writing too. I always daydream about how successful Iām going to be or how happy I will be once I have some sort of achievement. But things never end up the way I imagine them. This isnāt an exaggeration; it never does. Never. I wonder if itās because I think too much of it instead of just doing it. Maybe thatās what robs me of my potential. Maybe Iām just one of those people who have to work twice as hard as others. Maybe I havenāt dug deep enough to find out what it is I want to say, what it is I can offer. Maybe Iāve been around with the wrong types of people; people who canāt go with the flow with me. Maybe Iāve kept myself from excellence because of comfort, because I donāt know the advantages and disadvantages of it and just comfortable itās going to be. Maybe Iāve never seen it with my own eyes and Iām just scared of the responsibility it carries. Or to put it simply, maybe Iām just a coward. Whichever one, I hope I can figure it out because life is a marathon and time is catching up to me.