#not void

Tw: possible eating disorder, touch starvation, panic attack, what could be considered suicidal thoughts

After Ex got back from being in the void, his life fell into the same old routine.  Wake up.  Eat around half a bowl of soup.  He stole the wood to make the bowl, and reused the same bowl every day.  He washed it each time he emptied it.  Don’t ask how he washed it.

Harvest part of the nether wart farm.  Expand the farm, then replant.  Mine.  Then finish the soup for lunch.  Do some more mining.  Work on projects.  Ex already had an enormous empty area from mining each day.  He had been meaning to do something with it, but.  You know, the whole getting-banned-by-Xisuma thing.  And the not-Void.  He wasn’t really interested in doing much nowadays. 

Ex hadn’t felt much motivation to work on the base under lava.  He’d go and place a couple blocks, change how it’s supposed to look, fill in a wall, and then just stare at the ground listlessly as his thoughts wandered, getting progressively darker as time went on.  Then he’d leave, and try to fill the rest of his day with something more productive.

Maybe eat dinner.  Maybe not.  Ex hadn’t felt hungry lately.  Just numb.  He still ate, of course, but because it was necessary to keep his body up and running.  Everything seemed gray, or more accurately red, and lackluster.  If he ran the risk of sounding cliche, he would say all the light had gone out of his life.

The not-Void showed up for planning at the end of every week.  Once they had worked most of the kinks out of their plan the not-Void usually just updated him on how far along they were.  It was… complicated, at the least.  Ex didn’t particularly want to hurt anyone besides Xisuma and the Void, and if they just went straight after them then the Void would probably protect Xisuma.

Even with the not-Void’s short weekly visits time seemed fluid, seemed to blur and act strangely.  Every day started to seem like the next, and sometimes Ex wondered what was the point of it all.  He was contemplating this particular thought one day under the lava base, when he started to panic.

What if there really was no point?  Why was he doing this?  Why not just give up?  Ex’s chest tightened, and his breathing rapidly increased.  His thoughts were whirling, asking him questions he didn’t know the answer to.  Taunting him about how he was alone, how he had no-one to help in through his panic attack.

Incensed by that last thought, he started to do breathing exercises.  In for four, hold for seven, out for eight.  When Ex had suitably calmed down he managed a listless smile.  He didn’t need someone anyway, he had calmed himself down from the panic attack.  He didn’t need anyone.

…Maybe it’d be true if Ex kept pretending it was.  But he couldn’t pretend away how his voice went hoarse from not talking, or how his skin crawled, seeking human contact.  He couldn’t pretend away the phantom feeling of fingers on his skin, of hugs and handshakes that seemed nothing more than mere ghosts in the face of the emptiness of the Nether.

…Sometimes Ex thought the loneliness would kill him.  Maybe he would slowly grow crazy, unable to handle the lack of human interaction.  Humans, even void people, are, after all, social creatures.  Solitary confinement is considered a punishment, even if not inhumane.  Maybe he would just wither away.  Seems fitting.

No.  Ex needed to stop thinking like that.  Every time he fell down the black hole of depression he reminded himself that Xisuma was still out there.  Xisuma was just going about his merry way, without facing the consequences of his actions.  Ex wouldn’t claim to be moral and just, but Xisuma hurt him.  Was hurting him.  So he wanted to make Xisuma hurt back.  He was kept going by spite, a need for revenge, and to stop the Void and Xisuma from hurting them -from hurting anyone- again.

Ah.  A chill swept through E, welcome in the burning heat of the Nether.  The not-Void was here.  He should really get his own name, it was debasing being defined by something he wasn’t.  Then again, Ex’s name was just Evil Xisuma.  Just an evil version of Xisuma.

Back to the matters at hand.  Was it Saturday already?  Ex hadn’t noticed.  Or cared.  He really hoped they got revenge soon.  He didn’t know how much longer he could last.  With that last thought, he got ready to hear whatever preparations the not-Void had made.

——————————————————————————————

Xisuma did not wake up from his nap refreshed and ready to go.  He woke up reluctantly,  victim to the chill in his bones- wait.  The Void.  He was back in space, not even taking a moment to admire the beauty of the stars.  What had happened?  Was Ex okay?

“How’s Ex?  What’s the False Void doing?  Can I unban Ex yet?”  Xisuma asked hurriedly.  If the Void could be sheepish, that was what this felt like.  A chill went down his spine.  It felt like there was a block of solid ice in the pit of his stomach.

“Void,”  Xisuma said carefully, “what happened to Ex?”  As the seconds ticked by, unbearably slowly, the sinking feeling intensified.  Whatever had happened, was bad.  Xisuma started mentally preparing for the worst.

“The False Void took your brother.  It’s energy was too much like mine, and Evil Xisuma’s energy too much like yours.  The false Void slipped through my defences undetected, and slipped back out with your brother.   It was fast.  Your brother must have agreed to go, or else I would have sensed it.  Your energies are similar enough for any resistance to have been noticed by me.  You should prepare.”  The Void warned Xisuma.

Xisuma just floated there, stunned.  At least Ex wasn’t hurt, or DEAD, at least as far as he knew.  But Xisuma was in big trouble.  His brother had been -not kidnapped, the Void said he had gone willingly- freed.  Ex had been freed.

But what would Ex do next?  What did he think was going on?  Did he understand?  Xisuma loved him, and loved the server.  He didn’t want to have to fight Ex to save the server.  Did Ex still want revenge?

And if Ex did want revenge, would he go for it?  Xisuma liked to think he had changed, but.  If it came down to it.  What would Ex do?  Xisuma didn’t know him that well, which made him a bit of a wild card.  He couldn’t just ask himself “What would I do?”  Because Ex wasn’t him, and he didn’t know what was going on.

It doesn’t even take a week for Joe and Xisuma to meet.  The first thing out of Joe’s mouth was,

“What happened to Evil Xisuma?”

and Xisuma freezes.  He tries to play it off with a simple confused look.  Joe narrows his eyes.  Xisuma shrugs.  Joe gives him a glare.  Xisuma sighs and replies,

“How did you know?”  dejectedly.

“I have access to the admin chat, in case you’ve forgotten,”  Joe answers cooly.

“and I want answers.”

“Well you better sit down, because this’ll take a while.  I’m paraphrasing here.  You know Ex?”

“Obviously.”

“Well the Void has like, whatever Ex is, but for the Void.”  As Xisuma says this, Joe quirks an eyebrow.  Xisuma shrugs helplessly and splays his hands in the air.

“And he was going after Ex, to like, recruit him or something.  I banned him -It wasn’t going to be long, just enough to get him safe from the False Void- but the False Void got to him, and let him out.  We’re not sure if Ex is working with the False Void or not yet.”  Xisuma finishes, saying it all in a single breath.

“That’s a lot to unpack.”  Joe comments dryly.  “You know where he is?”

“Probably in the Nether, if he’s on this server.  Why?”  Xisuma answers.

“I shall look for him.”  Joe replies.  Then he leaves.  Xisuma lets him go.

Joe spent some time almost every day in the Nether.  Try as he might, however, he could not find Ex.  But that was okay.  Joe had a long, long time to find him.