#not backward

1- Why the hell would you look back? You're moving forward not backward.

Right now, I'm taking charge of my life. I'm going to Zumba regularly, I'm eating healthier, I'm looking for a job, I'm trying my best in the classes I know I can manage, and yet you're still on the , "oh no, she's going to give up," band wagon.

When I come home from a workout THAT I LOVED of course i'm not going to be in a functioning state. If I work out HARD I will be WORN OUT that what HAPPENS when you work out and you're out of shape.

Honestly who wants to hear, "I dont want to hear anything," when they come home from a fucking amazing work out. I'd like to hear ,"You look tired! How was your workout! Must've been good!"

So naturally I asked you exactly, "I'm REALLY not sure how to say this because I dont want to come off rude at all. -pause for reaction- When I get home, please dont make comments, I kinda get discouraged after I work out, and I dont wan..." then cue the anger ," I WASNT DISCOURAGING YOU. ALL I SAID IS I DONT WANT TO HEAR ANYTHING! JUST BECAUSE YOURE ALL TIRED DOESNT MEAN YOU HAVE TO RAIN IT DOWN ON ME. YOURE WRONG YOU KNOW THAT, SO BACK UP AND RECOGNIZE."

and honestly it's just really aggravating. I REALLY did not give attitude because I was under the impression that we were all mature here and could understand what I was saying. I. did. not. say. " hey your making discouraging comments and i hate that so stop." NO I SAID, "Please dont make comments, I kinda get discourage after I work out." I REVEALED TO YOU A FLAW THAT I HAVE, I REVEALED AN INSECURITY AND I WAS MERELY PUTTING IT TO YOUR ATTENTION SO YOU COULD THUS ENCOURAGE ME BY NOT MAKING NEGATIVE COMMENTS.

I realize he didnt tell me to give up, or to stop trying, but by saying "I dont want to hear anything," WHEN I BARELY WALK INTO TO HOUSE implies that he thinks I hated it and all I want to do is complain.

News flash, people who aren't in shape are going to feel pain after a workout. Pain is good (well sometimes), and its not like i'm yelling in his ear "OH MY GOD IM SO FUCKING TIRED HELP ME PLEASE BECAUSE I'M SO HELPLESS AND IVE NEVER FELT PAIN LIKE THIS BEFORE." No, all I have ever "complained" about was my arches. I have pretty bad arches, so when you're jumping around for two hours, youre gonna feel it, and all i did was, when walking around the house go, "ow ow ow ow" and limp, because it hurt, and when I vocalize pain, it helps me to forget about it.

I'm sorry that you dont have this faith in my that I do enjoy things. I'm really sorry that, as a crucial male role in my life, I can't go to you for help with anything because all you can retort is, "i dont know why you bring this shit to me! Stop acting like a victim....." and so on.

It sucks, because I really wish, as a "role model" to me, that I could go to you for help, but I cant do that because if I cry in front of you, i'm automatically over reacting. I'm sorry that I am a human and I have feelings. I just dont understand how when my brother cries, or when my sister cries, you seem to be concerned. You wont go up to them and ask them, but you'll ask everyone else in the house "hey are they ok?" but when i'm crying in my room all you can do is yell from the other room and say "get over it already." I'm sorry that I feel lonely and I can't be strong enough to hide it from you. I was under the impression that we were family and you'd always be there for me. At least my sister tries, at least she asks.

I'm just really lonely, and for some strange reason, I just really wish I had some kind a male role in my life who was concerned for me with no conditions.

I'm not saying men are better, because theyre not, and neither are women. In my life though, I've felt more comfort having male best friends, male friends, and I especially love hanging out with my male cousins.

And the worst part about my last statement, its because I cant get jealous of a male. A female counterpart  can have a boyfriend, and sensitive father, a protective brother and so forth, and seeing that they have that comfort, and I dont, I dont know.

"You've got this all backwards, here let me turn it around. Now that's your past behind you, now get off that cross, build a bridge and GET OVER IT!"

-Christopher Titus 

“Around here, however, we don’t look backwards for very long. We keep moving forward, opening up new doors and doing new things, because we're curious and curiosity keeps leading us down new paths.”

–Walt Disney

"...Your future hasn't been written yet. No one's has. Your future is whatever you make it. So make it a good one..."

-Doc Emmett L Brown

"My fellow Americans. As a young boy, I dreamed of being a baseball, but tonight I say, we must move forward, not backward, upward not forward, and always twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom!"