#norightanswer

I've been failed by my body, been failed by the National Health Service, been failed by information and education.

I'm broken. Physically, emotionally, mentally. This hurts more than the last time I was broken - this is emptiness. This is forever. This is not something I learn and grow from.

Apparently, the IVF referral I have been pushing for for months, can only come via the NHS if I was referred before my 39th birthday. Which was 3 months ago.

I was supposed to be seen before September last year, and then we had the CV-shutdown.

For far too long I've been gone.

And in that time, my heart has healed. My soul has blossomed, my eyes have dried. My lips have smiled and my being has loved and been loved.

I am happy. Truly, gloriously happy. My world is full of light and joy. I consider myself lucky, so so lucky.

Though it is not perfect, it is life.

However, it is my life. And now I want to create life. We want to create life. And my body stubbornly refuses. For 13 and a half months it has refused. Put up barriers and resisted all that we tried.

I fear that it will never succumb.

I fear it will and I will be too old to withstand.