So it isn't enough that I have had to emotionally deal with our lost this week, now Mother Nature has decided to make her evil appearance. We received the awful news on Monday evening that our FET transfer with our one embryo left was unsuccessful. Yet again my HCG levels were less than 2.0. WHY?!? This is beyond frustrating at this point. We did everything the doctors told us, I ate pineapple (which I hate) for days, we took a vacation to allow my body to relax and still nothing! I am so upset with this process, biology, my body, the doctors, everyone telling us to hang in there it will happen. Hey news flash people, we have tried this baby making thing 10 times now (5 regular IUIs, 3 clomid IUIs, 1 fresh IVF, and 1 FET) with no success. Not once have I had a positive pregnancy test. Forget the fact that pregnancy is hard and you have to work to make sure your baby is healthy, we can't even seem to cross the hurdle of getting pregnant in the first place. I am feeling so defeated and lost. Since October 2012, I have been reading up on fertility treatments, having surgeries, under going procedures and riding the failure roller coaster. Yes there were some months that we took off along the way, but they were often to undergo a procedure or wait for a result. I am starting to not know who Denise is in all of this. With every failure, I feel like I loose a little bit more of myself and hate my body even more. It is torture to go through this process and keep hearing, "well we can't find any red flags of why you are not pregnant". It just doesn't make sense, I ovulate every month like clockwork, my eggs were able to fertilize (as we saw from the IVF cycle), my cervix is difficult but my doctor navigated it this last time with ease. So why are we still failing? On top of all of these feelings, I am having the worst cycle in history. I am in so much pain that I am nauseous and can barely walk from the sofa to the bathroom. Thank goodness this is a holiday weekend or I would have to call in sick for work. Not only is all of this taking a toll on me, but I see now that my wife is running out of positivity to keep us going. She is hurt, disappointed and angry as well. I feel awful because I know she is as frustrated with my body as I am, but she doesn't want to make me feel like I am the problem. I know people will say that I am not the problem, but clearly I am...it is not the sperm, or my eggs, so it must be my uterus, even though I have had doctor after doctor tell me that my uterus is beautiful and perfect. I guess so beautiful and perfect that it doesn't want to share with another life. Needless to say, we both need a break from this roller coaster. We have a follow up scheduled with our doctor in two weeks, so we will see what she has to say that we can do differently. Either way, we have both decided that it is best for both our sanity, my body and our spirits that we take a few months off before starting round two of IVF. Nevermind the fact that we have to figure out how we are going to afford this 2nd round without going broke.
