#nonbinaryjournal

I’m going to talk from my experience and it may turn long, but I’ll explain it the best way I can :)

It started when I realized how others complimented my appearance when I had more “feminine” looks, ex. wearing dresses, skirts,  tight shorts, make up, jewelry, sandals, etc. , but they didn’t when I wore hoodies, jeans and comfy clothes. In the beginning I thought I was overthinking it, but after a few months I realized I wasn’t. The silence was a subtle for disapproving my choice of clothes, and it came from my family, classmates and some friends.

At this point I knew I was non-binary and it made me feel very uncomfortable with my clothes, breasts, hips and face features. I tried to wear more “masculine” clothes (wider t-shirts, plain colours, sports clothes and even stopped using make-up), but it didn’t work and I didn’t like it very much.

Up to this day, I still find my face too feminine and feel super uncomfortable wearing “female” clothes like skirts, dresses and tight shirts, but I haven’t stopped wearing them. Why? Because I like some of them! I won’t stop being myself because I realized people won’t stop misgendering me if I change the way I present; it’s their minds that have to change. Have I wore a mini-skirt knowing the dysphoria I would feel as soon as someone looked at me? Yes! Have I not worn a dress so I wouldn’t feel misgendered? That too! Have I felt super uncomfortable tonight because I wore a shirt that showed my cleavage and men stared at me everywhere I went? Definately. 

I no longer regret wearing certain clothes because THE PROBLEM IS IN THEIR STARES, NOT IN OUR BODIES. I still cry and suffer because being non-binary means that only a few people gender us correctly. But I suffered more in the closet and I love being where I am.

 TW: mention of a physical aggression

What is it? Have you ever heard about it? I sure haven’t. In fact, it’s possible that I’m creating the term.

When I talk about non-binaryphobia I refer to all the insults, aggressive attacks and discrimination we deal with due to being non-binary. It’s something relatively new, but it isn’t non-existent.

Many people don’t know what being non-binary means, so it’s difficult to classify a certain situation as non-binaryphobic, but I can give you some examples (in case you have experienced one or, if you’re an ally, to know what to do).

 1. “But you must be a man or a woman. There isn’t such thing as ‘being non-binary’”.

Well Sharon, I must inform you that we DO EXIST. No, you haven’t openly insulted me, but you have denied my own existence. How do you think that feels? Sharon here is saying that I feel and think are inventions, ideas my mind has made up. It invalidates my experience as non-binary.

So, if you think I’m exaggerating, consider if we told a trans guy that he’s “a girl”; if someone with mental health issues is told that they’re “faking it”; or if a lesbian woman is told that she’s “actually straight and just needs to suck a big dick” (this is transphobic too, btw).

 2. “Why do you use ‘they’? That’s grammatically incorrect! You’re a girl/boy, so you must use she/he!”

More or less the same issue AGAIN. I use ‘they’ because it’s the pronoun that represents me the best, so please don’t try to invalidate me. And, if doesn’t bother you, don’t use my deadname, please (yes, this happens to non-binary folk too).

Do you correct someone when they make typos? No? So don’t do the same with me; I’m perfectly aware of how ‘they’ is supposed to be used, thanks.

(This happens to me in Spanish A LOT)

 I could go on and on, but I’ll just tell y’all an aggression a friend of mine suffered.

My non-binary friend went to a disco with some of their female friends and, after paying, he was asked to pay the “ticket for men”, which means €5 more than the girls’. He tried to explained to the guard that they weren’t a girl and should therefore not pay for a men ticket (they were so fucking done he couldn’t stand more misgendering).

At this point, the guard started shouting at him and choke held him, leading to asphyxia.

My friend has reported the guard, but they have to run away from a fight taking place close to him because it is so anxiety-inducing that they can’t stand it.

And we’re still told we are faking it…

P.S. Remember I am here to listen and to answer any doubt you may have. If you want to further discuss this topic, we can do that but from respect.

For me, make up and clothes are the basic way to I introduce myself to the world, and also a way to feel comfortable, beautiful and according to my mood.

Sometimes I'd wear a violet dress, purple eyeshadow, earrings and a long necklace; the day after I would wear a dark wide T-shirt, knee-long trousers and a pair of trainers; and other times, I'd go with a T-shirt, skirt , trainers and zero make up. Does it change who I am? No! Why? Because it is part of my EXPRESSION, not my identity. Deep down I know that my gender doesn't fluctuate (a.k.a. I am not genderfluid), it simply means that every part of my gender needs to feel represented. I never wear "masculine" or "feminine" clothes, they are neutral, like my second skin.

Imagine now, after dressing, I exit my house to be faced with society; now is when the shit gets real.

As I walk, I feel people looking at me (yes, being non-binary comes with being very self conscious); some look curious, other blatantly stare at me trying to figure out my gender ("is it a boy or a girl?") and most of them ignore me to the point I feel like I don't exist, I can't relate to anyone.

This is a feeling a lot of non-binary people experiment: Being at outlander in your own place. It seems that we are thrown out of society, and we can come back only if we meet certain conditions.

There are also people you'll relate especially gender non-conforming folk, who will get the same feeling. Even, after all, we're not alone in this world.

Nowadays I feel dysphoric when I go out because "what if my clothes aren't neutral enough?" "but what if I'm not the real me?". In the end, you are the first one that should love yourself, so go rock those clothes or make-up, because you're amazing with a suit and a dress, darlings.

I LOVE you,

This is insane! I can’t believe I have 60 posts! I don’t want to sound like I’m accepting an oscar, but I want to thank my followers, for reading my seemingly not great stuff. And I wanna thank Charlie of nonbinary journal!   for nominating me for a Liebster Award!

So, in general, yay!