#nonbinary horror

-You Weren’t Ment to be Human by Andrew Joseph White

-Hell Followed With Us by Andrew Joseph White (haven’t read yet but I own it)

-Bite Back by Ess McKinney

-Only Half a Boy by Ess McKinney (currently readying)

eyes on the prize! 👁

Last night I finally watched I saw the TV glow and, in a very short amount of time, It has become one of those movies that makes me both want to rewatch It over and over again and simultaneously pill my skin off. This movie has quikly became one of my favorites, hands down. But! It's so intense and terrifying and dense that I think I need time to fully digest it.

Right now I can only say that I have never seen something like this (ok, maybe yes if we count We are all going to the world's fair, Jane Schoenbrun's first film), I never consumed a media SO damn dysphoric. You can feel it, clearly. It's in the cinematography, in the script, in the lighting, this sense of incongruity, this feeling of "there's something wrong, something doesn't add up, life shouldn't be this way". It's insane how a viewing like that satisfied a deep desire inside of me and incredibly shook me at the same time. Themes such as isolation, nostalgia, escapism, dissociation and the fear of not being able to distinguish what is truly real are brought to the screen with an imagery so extraordinarily beautiful in all its horror that I really don't know what to say other than ... wow. The more I think about it, the more I feel understood by this film. It's a strangely thrilling and exhilarating experience. This movie, among other things, like I said erlier in this post, is about dysphoria. The type of dysphoria we feel pre coming out (to ourself and to others), before realising this is why we feel this way, before accepting it and before deciding what we want to do in terms of transizioning.

I think the final scene, above all, while extremely disturbing, is a perfect representation of that realization: it pictures the panic, the fear associated with it. The protagonist sees something they cannot unsee and, at this point, you can never look back.

Don't mistake me, being trans, being non-binary is beautiful (I absolutely don't want to be cis) but sometimes it feels like that, like in that final scene, when you can't breathe and all you want is to scream. When you feel distant from other people, not understood and, all you want to do, is to open yourself up.

So yeah... This are my 2.00 AM toughts on I saw the TV glow.

The only thing I can say right now is that I need to rewatch this movie multiple times.

Aaaaand if you have toughts on this movie or you want to discuss It let me know!

you ever enter a labyrinthian abyss of your own making that is both your fault and not your fault, but it's on you to get out?

and also there's an incomprehensible Creature with you the entire time that loves you and you're not sure if that's a good thing or not?

universal experience truly

only one more month until my next book, LABYRINTHINE SELF, is released on february 21st, 2025!