Found this old photo. Level 5 Hurricane lands in Kingston where I'm staying doing research on HIV AIDS prevention education and disability. Blue mountains are behind me. Spent 3 days on lock down in our hotel drinking blue mountain coffee with linen napkins and a spa. I wore white linen all summer long. My relationship with that self has completely evolved into something new. And that's a good thing. It's giving me strength to take what's mine. She's constantly terrified. Lost. Just keeping up. Holding on to the security of my sketchbook. Always remember to smile even when your soul is crushed under the weight of chaos and stress in every corner of your world. Going to college helped a little. Grad school rescued me. Finding people who feel safe is that sip of water when you're crossing death valley. Achieving more than was expected. Under duress. The twisting and pinching to fit, hating myself for trying so hard and hating myself for failing. Floating somewhere in the middle, abandoned. The exhaustion wasn't there until denying it tired me out so much that I couldn't keep pretending I wasn't exhausted and in pain. A child should have moments of elation and excitement, and the safety to pursue those delights instead of the terror of being cared for. A child shouldn't be afraid to be loved. I look back and am amazed at what I was able to survive with the constant internal white noise of anxiety and fear. I look at her with so much love and compassion. She is so much more than she knows. And life will get better every day for the rest of your life. And you will be safe and free. And loved. And you will love yourself. All I want to do is paint. #neuroqueer #actuallyautistic #nonbibary π (at San Diego, California) https://www.instagram.com/p/B6prtyEnuFp/?igshid=1ir55ils0c1cr