#non-binary stuff

I am AFAB but non-binary. I am still non-binary when I decide to wear a dress, or a skirt, or a floral blouse. I am still non-binary when I wear a long wig. I am still non-binary when I wear makeup. I am still non-binary when I wear jewelry. I am still non-binary when I don’t bind my chest. I am still non-binary when I have to use she/her pronouns instead of they/them, because I’m not out everywhere, because I don’t want to explain myself to people who don’t know me, because French is a gendered language without gender neutral pronouns that I identify with. I am still non-binary when I have to present as a woman because otherwise I would be in danger because transphobia and queerphobia are everywhere.

Being AFAB and non-binary doesn’t mean that I have to present as a man, or the most androgynous possible. 

Hi anon!

Yep, I’m outas non-binary at shul! Everyone’s been really great about it, and the rabbi hasgone out of his way to make sure that I’m being treated with respect. I’m alsonot the first trans person to be a member of our congregation, and one of myfriends and fellow conversion student is also nb, so it’s really, really not abig deal. It’s definitely worth noting that the synagogue I attend isReform-affiliated even though it serves the broader liberal Jewish community inour area (we’re the only one for miles) so we get a lot of moretraditional/Conservative liberal Jews in as well. I also live in a prettyliberal college town, so there’s that, too.

I will say that wrt pronouns – as with allprimarily cis spaces – there are people who do a pretty good job with it andpeople who try but just kinda fail. I’m also not very assertive about using they/them,although that is what I tell people when asked. (I haven’t bothered toget into the whole fancy ze/zir thing, but I would feel totally safe doing soif asked.) Anyway my point is that while your mileage may vary, you really should be able to find a welcoming and supportive community.

a few years ago I was looking at various people on the internet who were talking about being trans, what it felt like and stuff and i related to a lot of the points they made and i thought maybe i was trans? Im naturally quite laid back when it comes to identity, at least i thought i was. because i didnt really think about it beyond that. until I started talking with and reading posts by non-binary/genderfluid people and suddenly that felt closer to what I feel, their experiences kinda filled in the blanks...so to speak. and again i didnt really think about it too much

and im kind of still trying to figure why it was that i didnt want think about my identity. so i started putting together facts, things i definitely knew about myself:

i am comfortable being referred to as she/he or they. i like being called he, the few times i’ve been talking to someone online and they’ve assumed i’m male and i havent corrected them because it felt...nice? right? im not sure

sometimes i want to present as feminine, sometimes masculine and sometimes i dont want to be either (this confused the heck out of me)

i hated, absolutely loathed my breasts (this sentiment is why i initially thought i was trans)

fast forward to now when I got dream daddy and suddenly i’m having to think about my identity again. because, i don’t know about everyone else, but i personally always put a bit of myself into every video game character i make.. its why in RPGs that let you choose gender i’ll always play a girl, because i’ve identified as a girl for at least 20+ years of my life and never saw any appeal in the male protagonists.

but then DD gives the option of making a dad that’s trans and...honestly it’s been really hard, emotionally speaking, seeing the avatar i made be in loving relationships with characters that love you and accept you, not matter whether you’re gay or bi or poly or trans, etc. 

which is where I come back to why, in years previous, i havent wanted to think about my own identity. it’s something i’m already aware of but had never connected to my identity troubles: I hate my body.  I have E-cup breasts that I find absolutely grotesque to look at and they’re nothing but a pain to deal with, sometimes literally. on top of that i’m fat, something I’ve struggled with since I was a kid. and my face ranges from ugly to average, depending on my mood and the angle i look at myself from. 

Why is this pertinent? because for as long as i remember i’ve only ever seen “androgynous” or non-binary people presented as being slim (or toned at least), conventionally attractive and young. being on tumblr has obviously exposed me to a lot different people that identity as non-binary that dont fit in those categories...but i never applied it myself? whenever I looked at myself i thought, you’re not attractive, you’re not slim, therefore you can’t be non-binary. 

so here i was, excited to play dream daddy because I’d heard it’s funny and sweet and i’m starved for a good dating sim. and i start, i make a character that’d based on an OC i have but he’s also what I’d want to look like if i could completely reconstruct myself (apart from the fact that he’s asian of course, that’s solely a part of his character. im not one of those white people that wants to be a different race cause they think it’s ‘cool’...but i digress. just thought i’d mention that in case people get the wrong idea).

anyway. i pick the ‘slim’ option, because I want to be lanky and toned, always have. and i see the binder/trans option. and i think to myself...well if i’m making him an ideal version of myself i’d be trans, right? so i pick the binder option and move on, give him blue eyes, white hair and the navy suit cause why the fuck not, he looks badass. But as I’m playing?? i’m projecting more and more of myself onto this avatar until i’m starting to feel like i am this character, and that’s not normally uncommon for me, i project a lot (for various reasons i wont get into). but im finding myself getting...not quite upset per se...but I’m definitely feeling uncomfortable. I want a flat chest, really badly, but i don’t get gender/body dysphoria about having a vagina. So at this stage i probably am making myself upset because...I’m just really confused and uncomfortable with my body.

i’ve heard trans people talk about being comfortable with the body they’re in and that they aren’t going to get surgery to change themselves but again...it was never something i thought about in relation to myself? and i’m only just coming to the realisation that I can want a flat chest but also be comfortable with what my crotch consists of. if that makes sense.

like, you know those flowery posts that go around saying shit like “trans men/women are men/women regardless of what their parts are!” with smiley faces and blooming flowers? well i’ve seen those in the past and thought ‘yeah that’s true’ and then scrolled past them without thinking ‘hey loser that includes YOU. YOU can want to change things but be content with others AND still identify as non-binary’. AMong other things of course but as I said at the beginning, i’m still working this out. 

but i didn’t start thinking any of this before working it out with the character i’d made. i’d started giving this character the same worries i have regarding body image and intimacy with others. I ended up romancing craig with this character because i felt like he’d already know about my characters struggles and identity and he’d be...totally cool with it, it’s just another aspect of my character that makes them them. (i’ve since made a new character that’s more like the real me and honestly its so strange (good strange) to see the dad version of me being shown love and care? but that’s for another time)

 I’ve never really felt a part of the lgbt+ community, i’ve always distanced myself from it, told myself it’s not my place. but this experience has...helped me start thinking about myself differently.