#non binary guy

When trans people say they see themselves as ‘a man’ (I’m ftm, but whatever their correct gender is) in the mirror, do they mean literally and physically? Or do they just mean like, that’s who they know they are inside even though no one else sees it?

Because for me personally, I don’t see a man. I can’t NOT see a girl when I look the mirror. I know that’s not who I am inside, but it’s what I see. It’s physically, what I look like.

I’m a guy, but I don’t look like one. I’m very obviously, painfully not one. Not outwardly at least.

It still throws me off guard when I get she/her’d because even looking like this, I’m still baffled at how anyone assumes she/her for me because it’s SO CLEARLY NOT ME, but i guess I’m the only one that knows or sees that.

Haven’t seen those chucklefucks in a while, thankfully

I only started playing around with makeup in my early/ mid 20’s

My blorbo in eeby deeby, I was rocking raccoon emo eyeshadow for Christmas Eve dinner at my family’s

Who was I wearing that for when my parents actually gave me the side-eye to the tune of “you look stupid, why are you doing this?”?

Only they/them never felt quite right to me. It was still euphoric when someone used those pronouns as it was just such a relief from the relentless she/her, but idk it just never quite fit?

For a while now I’ve dabbled in using he/him online. I’ve never felt able to even consider using he/him irl since I don’t ‘look’ like a he/him, but anonymously online, anon bios like tumblr etc it felt very euphoric. Because online, people take you at your word. They didn’t know I was ‘faking’ that I couldn’t possibly ‘really’ be a he/him.

It felt kinda forced trying it in pronoun tryout groups, clunky and forced like they couldn’t possibly be talking about me. But it still gave me so much weird excitement and a rush that I never had with they/them. They/them was always just like huh, yeah that’s better. He/him was like… woah.

I kinda came to the conclusion a while ago that even though it wasn’t practically viable to use he/him irl, I wished I could. People can’t even manage they/them lmao so he/him is never happening.

I grew to accept that in my social circles, I’m still pretty much always she/her’d, let alone they/them. He/him is always gonna be some mythical creature that I could only ever potentially unlocked if I was able to access HRT and pass more androgynous/masc. That’s just the way life is.

Maybe it was stupid to ever want to be HIM anyway. Sure, she/her was abhorrent, they/them always felt a little off. He/him was exciting but it felt forced, like it couldn’t possibly be referring to ME. Because I didn’t deserve those pronouns. I don’t look like a he/him, so how could I possibly BE a he/him?

Except some rando on Reddit totally naturally he/him’d me by total accident today… and wow. The euphoria it gave was unmatched. Having someone use it not knowing any better, not knowing I was trans, not trying the pronoun out for me in a specific trans group… just having someone (correctly 🥹) assume my gender… and it just felt so right.

I don’t want to beg people to use the pronouns that feel right to me. I don’t want people to hesitate and stumble and stutter around me like those pronouns aren’t really mine, that I don’t deserve them.

I don’t want to ask permission to be a he/him.

I just wanna be seen man