#nofriendzone

I am to myself. I dont make friends. So, when I do, attempt, to make some, they end up being so self-involved that any kind of connection is severed. I am a person who becomes "best friends" over night. We decided to hang out once? We are family. I have spent so much of my life pushing people away because I know all I will do is get hurt if I let someone in. So now, anytime I have a friendship, I feel people only befriend me to get what they want from me and once they get it, they just move on.

For example, I have befriended someone at work. Probably not the best idea, but i am trying to be more outgoing and friendly. It doesn't hurt that this person is kinda attractive. In our "friendship" i feel as though i have to start all conversations or interactions. When at work, Im often ignored for others around. I dont expect to be the only person talked to, but damn a few conversations between us would be nice. Outside of work, I am met with one word answers and responses. I invite this person to do things, but I am always a low priority. I understand they have their own life and other friends, but I would appreciate being treated like a friend and not a siphon of information.

It's hard for me to cut this person out. I have let them in and it hurts. I know I have to do what I have been trying to do, but I get sucked back in everytime. I will not send messages or snaps or anything unless they communicate with me first. I am always willing to chat and talk and whatever, but dont come looking for me as a last resort to date your loneliness.

I'm at a point where I feel I am being pushed away. I dont understand why, but if that's what needs to happen or that's what they want, I can, cold-heartedly, cut them off too. I dont want to be that way anymore, but it shows that as soon as I befriend people, they show their true colors.

Sucks to be me and dont I know it.

Ps: what makes it worse is when I am in a bad mood, there is only a worry when it seems they are in "danger" of feeling bad. Even as I wrote this, the same person comes and asks two simple questions and all of a sudden I feel dumb for feeling how I've felt. But, the inquiry, I feel, is coked in a guise of "what can i find out" not of genuine concern.