Why I Can’t Diet Anymore
I was really moved by this podcast the other day on This American Life. I’ve already referred to it in last week’s posting but it was about a young dude traveling across America asking older people what advice they’d give their 23 year old self.
I thought a lot about what I’d tell my 23-year-old self. I had a nice long think about me and basically it came down to the fact I’d be embarrassed to tell 23 year old me that I’m older, wiser, and still not happy with my body. What a disappointment.
Now, don’t misread that last statement. I think being happy with ones body is a mental act not a physical. The plain truth is that what I look like now is what I’ve looked like most of my adult life and I’ve been in denial about what is beautiful.
From time to time I’ll slim down, cut a lot of what I love to eat out of my life and claim victory. But is it a victory? I still spend most of my slim days obsessing about food and numbers on a scale. 20lbs lighter me is no happier with her body than 20lbs heavier me.
I think MOST of all. I have never felt comfortable admitting that I’m on a diet. Admitting you’re on a diet is saying, “I don’t like a part of me.” I would say this while championing that women should feel empowered at any shape or size. How could I do both? I just didn’t feel right about it. I know so many women in my life who are trying to change their bodies—and I just don't understand why--they're gorgeous and I don't see why they need to do anything to change whats already awesome. (Disclaimer: I really don’t judge if you want to be on a diet or not. If you want to eat this, that or the other. Who am I to judge? I’ve been on a diet forever. If you feel unhealthy—do whatever you need to do to feel healthy again.)
THOUGHTS ON THIS WEEK
I’ve been hardcore dieting non-stop for about 3 years. This week was a bit strange. I felt free to eat what I wanted and there it really did feel like the n ‘mental shackles’ were being broken.
I’ve been exercising at least 3 times a week. Running and spinning. Body is moving. I eat mostly meat, veg and salads but ate certain foods that have been previously banned without guilt (ice-cream, potatoes, pizza crust).
I have to say—its been incredibly freeing to accept me now. I won’t lie it still feels weird to eat ice cream on weekday (weekends were my only ‘cheat’ days) but I’ll get there. Future Me is here. There was no thinking ahead about what the perfect Me would look like as a result of eating x,y or z because future me is here. Now.
