#nixons

And Stanhope, go get your old man's letter to ya!!

“Hi! My name is Mrs. Mills. First of all, how dare you-”

“What?! Hey-”

“Shut! How dare you run around in skimpy shorts and Satanic gloves, then have the total audacity to wear crosses! You are soooo not a daughter of God, so you sooo don’t get to strut around and make us real holy women look bad!”

“Candace, I-”

“Uh, hello? That’s Mrs. Mills to you- wait, how do you know my name? Ugh, do not tell me that you’re one of those troll commenters! Newsflash, slut: if you don’t repent and accept Jesus as your savior, Satan will troll you in Hell for all eternity!”

“I went to church with- nevermind. Sure, I’m a troll.”

“Ha! Like a freak like you would know what a church looks like! If you really went to church, you wouldn’t dress like that! For an actual Godly church that will actually save your soul, try Light of God on Bunch Boulevard. Pastor Josiah Bunch will talk some sense into you!”

“...Sure, I’ll try it. Thanks.”

“Do I look stupid? You’re obviously just trying to get rid of me!”

“Pretty much, yeah. Look, my partner is coming back any minute now and-”

“Yeah, right! No man would ever want a girl like you! I’m so not scared of your man, because he so doesn’t exist!”

“...I mean, you aren’t wrong-”

“I’m never wrong, so-” Candace is interrupted by her cell phone ringing. “...Whatever, slut. I gotta bounce. I’d better see you at Light of God, or else the Devil will see you in Hell.”

“Hellooo, brothers and sisters in Christ! Candace Nixon here with your weekly updates on the latest news from Light of God church! Recently, I’ve had some viewers accuse me of slander and gossip. That’s just sooo not true! I’m here to share good news and encourage my fellow church goers to be the most Watcherly versions of yourself you can be! With that out of the way, onto the news!”