#nicholasruffilo

Two Weeks Ago:

"He's a really nice guy, Nick. I think you'd like him. He has tattoos," I smile, hoping the bit of information will be enough to ease Nick's worried mind.

His soft grin warms me, but without eye contact, it doesn't feel the same. I lay my hand on Nick's shoulder and feel his muscles tense. His eyes shift as he peers over the side of it, partially looking at me.

"I'm sure he is a nice guy, Y/N, but you know me and what I think. No guy's gonna ever be good enough for my best friend." "Not even you?" I grin, resting my chin on his shoulder. "Especially me," Nick agrees, laying a small kiss on my forehead.

I watch as he cleans up his mess of tattooing equipment after giving his gun a thorough cleaning. There’s a lot going through his mind. I can tell. But Nick never says a word. He just keeps working. 

A text from my date tonight comes through and I write him back, grinning after my reply. A soft laughter slips out, earning me a glance from Nicholas. He smiles, but it doesn’t reach his eyes. Instead, all I see is a glint of sadness that quickly fades the moment he looks away.

"The movie was actually really good," I laugh, taking the hand offered to me. "Yeah, it wasn't too bad," my date chuckles, checking his phone the moment it rings.

Letting go of my hand, he answers it, covering his other ear while walking off a slight distance, leaving me completely alone. At first, I'm shocked and don't know what to do other than stare at him in disbelief. The feeling of my heart plummeting to the pit of my stomach is something I’m not used to feeling and I don’t know how to handle it. Standing still, awkward and confused, my date glances up at me, gives me a half smile, then turns away again, fixed in a serious conversation with whoever's on the other end. My pocket vibrates, and I sigh when I see Nicky's name.

"How's the date going?" "It was going great." ... "Was?"

I hesitate to type the truth, knowing what it might start inside Nick's mind, but decide telling the truth is better than lying. 

"He left me.” ... "What do you mean by left?" "Like walked away. Walked off. Didn’t say anything. Just answered a phone call and walked away. … … … … "That's fucked up, Y/N. Are you sure this guy is as nice as you think he is? Doesn’t sound like it to me."

Nick’s words hit hard. I think hard on them, so hard that I don’t hear my date return. "Hey, sorry about that," he sighs, running his hands over the top of his head. Startled, I look up and pocket my phone, losing the chance to text Nick back. My date gives me a sweet smile that feels genuine, so I shake off the bad feeling and return the smile.

"Everything okay?" He nods. "Yeah, girl problems?" He reads the startled expression on my face well, quickly correcting himself. "My sister," he scowls, brows furrowing. "Oh," laughing lightly as does he. "She and her, uh, her husband are having some issues. You know," he shrugs, "marriage stuff." It's my turn to nod. I'm not sure if I should buy the excuse or not. Something feels off about it. "Hey! What do you say we head down that way and grab some ice cream? I've heard there's a place up the way that serves the best." "Sure," forcing a smile as I take his hand. My pocket vibrates again, but I ignore it, forcing myself to forget about Nick's text and enjoy the rest of this date.

Nick doesn't mention the messages when I see him the following day. We don't talk about my date or bring up the awkward conversations that I probably shouldn't have started so late last night. I try my best to put it all behind me, forgetting about the way I felt when my date walked off and left me hanging on my own for a while. He texted after dropping me off at home and apologized again for doing what he did, but for some reason it still didn't feel right.

Work the next few days turns out to be harder than I thought it would be. My head is in a constant loop of what Nick's thinking about and how he's feeling about my love interest, but whatever he does, he never says. Instead the two of us carry on our daily routines as if the other night after the movie never happened. It's probably better that way. I know Nick's just trying to give me space and let me figure all of this out on my own, but at times it almost feels as if he's jealous or angry maybe, neither of which I can understand why he would feel. It's me. It's got to be all me and the way my stupid head won't allow my thoughts to rest.

Thankfully my love interest asks me out again and I graciously accept. But when I tell Nick, I watch the expression on his face fall and his mood change. It's disheartening. I guess he really is mad at me.

"Y/N, I really don't think you should go out with him again." "Nick, not to be rude, but it's not your choice. It's mine." He sighs in frustration, closing his eyes. "I get that, but baby, I don't want to see you hurt the way you did the last time."

My heart skips a beat in the oddest way at the word choice Nick uses for me. He's never called me that before and I can't help but overanalyze why he used it. He senses the way I'm overthinking and reaches for my hands as a distraction, pulling me closer to him. My heart starts to beat a little faster and I find it very strange how just looking at him right now seems difficult. But Nick doesn't think so as he slips a finger under my chin and tilts my head up. His soft green eyes dart between mine and I see a glint of something in them that I don't ever recall seeing before. His own expression is twisted in confusion, as if he's holding something in that he's afraid might hurt me. It's troubling. Nick's never acted like this before, for as long as we've been friends.

My phone vibrates, saving me from feeling any more of the awkwardness filling up the space around us. I break our gaze as Nick clears his throat and takes a step back. The text is a confirmation from my date for tonight, which I excitedly give him, basking in the anticipation my heart suddenly feels. Nick watches and reads what I type before I hit send, sealing my plans for tonight. I look up at him only to find his eyes now filled with a deep concern.

"I'll be fine, Nicky," I assure him, giving him a smile as I grace the side of his face with the palm of my hand.

His skin is warm and so soft, making me wonder why, after all of this time, I've never noticed it before. Nick places his hand overtop mine and brings it down to lay a small, sweet kiss in the middle of it. The gesture makes my skin prickle, a reaction that is entirely new.

"I'll be right here, if anything goes wrong. I promise."

Dinner, shopping, and making out. The perfect date.

I'm giddy and can't stop smiling as I rehash the evening as I shower. The feeling of his lips, his hands on my body, the comfort of his arms; all of it was perfection.

Once I'm out of the shower and dressed, I check my phone and find ten new messages, seven of them being from Nicholas. Overlooking them at first, I dive into the three from my date and find myself knee deep in cheesing and giggling again like an infatuated school girl who's obsessed with her crush. I get so caught up in texting him that the seven missed messages from Nick are quickly forgotten about, a move that I will later come to regret.

"Are you okay? You don't look like you feel well," I ask Nick the following day, feeling his forehead.

Since cutting his hair, it's harder for him to pull it back, but he still manages, and I can't deny the way my tummy flutters at the sight of him. The older he gets, the cuter he gets, I swear.

"I'm fine," he assures me, pulling away from my touch. The move takes me by surprise. "Okay, just checking. You're awfully quiet today," watching as he restrings one of his bass guitars. He's done it for so long now, it's like a second nature to him.

Nicholas just shrugs, refusing to divulge any more information. Silence takes over for a bit, but I catch the way he glances over at me occasionally then quickly looks away. It makes me chuckle, and thankfully, Nick cracks a smile, too.

"I knew you weren't made of stone," I joke. "Shut-up," he tells me, looking up.

Our eyes lock and for a moment, I forget how to breathe. My brows furrow in confusion from the way he's staring at me and I think he feels the same. The cute little scowl that covers his face makes me grin and shyly break the trance we both fell into. Nick huffs a laugh and relaxes, his shoulders slumping slightly.

"You're still my best friend, Nicky." The wary look he gives me holds a glint of regret. "Best friend, huh? That's it? That's all this is between us?" I frown, confused as to where this sudden outburst of questions has come from. "That's all that it will ever be, I guess? I'll never be anything more to you?"

My forehead creases and I'm suddenly taken aback by his statement. "What is that supposed to mean?" Nick just stares at me, expression deadpanned. He lets out a huff of frustration while pushing his chair back and standing up.

"You didn't read any of my messages last night, did you?" I freeze, eyes widening as my heart begins to pound against my chest. Shit! "Yeah, I didn't think so."

Slowly, I raise my head and look up at Nick. With one look at me he falls back into his chair and rests his elbows on his knees, cradling his head in his hands. He looks defeated and suddenly I feel like the shittiest human on the planet.

"Nick," reaching over and touching his shoulder, but he just shrugs my hand off. "Go home, Y/N. Go home and read my messages," Nick mutters softly. I can hear the sadness in his voice and it breaks my heart. "Okay, Nicky, I'll go," I tell him, getting up and turning to leave. "Wwwait," Nick says urgently, jumping up and grabbing my hand to stop me. "I'm sorry," he whispers, pressing his forehead to mine and shutting his eyes tight. Breathing in deeply, Nick takes both of my hands in his and squeezes them before reopening his eyes. "I am your best friend, baby. I'll always be. No matter what. Just," he pauses, and I can tell he's hesitating in saying what he wants to say next. "Just promise me that if he hurts you again, you'll call me.

Nick's words pierce my heart dead center and I can do nothing but promise him, convinced that if I do, it'll make his sweet smile return, which it does; sort of. Finally, he lets me go and goes back to restringing his bass without looking at me again. As I'm about to walk out the door, his voice calls to me from behind, crushing a small piece of my heart.

"Y/N, if you do read my texts, do me a favor? Don't tell me how they make you feel, please. Just keep it to yourself and hopefully, maybe, we can get past it all. I probably shouldn't have sent them to you, but it's too late now."

I don't respond. I just walk away, leaving half of my heart behind.

"Yeah, I can meet you there. No, it's fine. Really. I don't mind. I completely understand. I'm just glad you want to go out again."

I smile even though he can't see me. I know I'm being completely dishonest with him, actually dreading the idea of showing up at this club he wants to meet at alone, but like I told him, I'm just happy he wants to go out again.

After setting a time, we hang up and I decide on showering before going out. I'm excited, but there's this unsettling feeling inside me that something's not right. Maybe it's because Nick and I haven spoken in days. It's my fault. He asked me to read the messages he sent days ago, so I did that night, and cried myself to sleep. They weren't at all what I was ever expecting to read. His words tore at my heart, clawed at the painful fragments of my mind, and made tears that I never would have cried for him, fall. Nicholas was in love with me, but I was seeing someone else. Someone who I was really starting to like a lot.

But it was Nick. My Nicky. The perfect guy for me. The one who knew me inside and out, like the back of this beautiful tattooed hand. 

He told me not to tell him about the way the messages would make me feel, but I knew I had to. It wouldn't never work between us. We're too connected, too bonded, almost like we’re in a... a... oh crap. The lightbulb goes off inside my head just as my phone vibrates in my hand, scaring me half to death. It's my mom. Answering it, I push the thoughts about me and Nicholas away, and continue getting ready for my date.

I leave the comfort of the bathroom, feeling a little better knowing Nick is on his way. But the idea of having to confront him, his texts, his feelings, my realization... it makes my stomach uneasy. The panic starts to set in as I make my way through the crowd, weaving through couples that are so drunk and unaware of what's going on around them that it makes my mission of getting to the exit obtainable. Once I'm outside and I can breath normally, I press my back up against the building and wait, praying with all my might, that Nick won't ghost me, too.

It feels like forever when he finally shows, pulling up alongside the curb a few cars down. I get up and sluggishly begin to walk towards the car, unable to make eye contact with Nick out of shame and regret. Coming here tonight was a horrible mistake and I was so stupid to believe and trust in someone I barely knew. I let my guard down, and this was my consequence.

Nick unlocks the door, and I get in, slumping down into the seat the moment I do. I want to fold into myself and hide my face forever. I want to disappear just to avoid the shame I feel. But I'm not left to wallow in self-pity long. Nick's hand finds its way over to mine, covering it like a protective wing.

"Are you okay?"

I remain silent, afraid that if I open my mouth, everything I'm feeling will come gushing out all at once. So, I keep my mouth closed and just nod. Nick doesn't press for any more answers after that. His hand remains over mine, and eventually, our fingers intertwine, locking in to one another tightly. I feel safer instantly and can finally relax knowing that Nick's got me. Quiet tears run down my cheeks, and I brush them away before they're noticed, but I know I'm not fooling Nick. He notices. He always notices. We get to my house, and he parks the car. Sitting in silence, Nick awkwardly stares out the front window while I just keep my eyes locked on the say my hand fits perfectly in his. I've never noticed it before. But I really love the way it makes me feel.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Nick asks, finally breaking the ice of silence. I shrug. "I don't know. I don't know where to start even if I do.” Nick agrees with a hushed hum. It's late and I'm tired, but I don't want my friend to leave. I don't want to be alone. "Nick," "Yeah?" "I know I probably don't have the right to ask you this, but I don't want to be alone right now. Will you stay with me, just for a little bit?" "Sure, baby. I'll stay," he replies without any hesitation. I feel his eyes on me, but I can't bring myself to look up. "Thank you." "Sure," he answers.

We get out of the car and head inside, keeping our thoughts to ourselves. For me, it's guilt, but for Nick, it's probably pointless. What more do you say to a girl to whom you've already confessed your love to yet hasn't acknowledged a single word of it?

Nick closes the door behind us, and I head into the kitchen for some water. The light pattering of his feet behind me lets me know something's on his mind. Otherwise, he wouldn't be following me. The kitchen is dark, lit only by the faint glow of the wax warmer sitting on the counter. Even though my back is toward him, I can feel Nick's presence as he comes up behind me and lays his hands on my shoulders, making my body tense at his touch. It's like fire to ice, and I'm slowly melting into a puddle of sorrow.

I feel the tears coming, tears that are proof of the pain and hurt I feel inside. I can't stop thinking about why my date ghosted me. Maybe I should call and check on him. Maybe I should just text. Maybe I should just tell him to go straight to hell. So many dark, crazy thoughts run through my head, and it's overwhelming. I can't handle them all, and soon, the tears slip out, falling like soft raindrops onto the counter. My quiet crying turns into soft sobbing, and pretty soon I can no longer control it.

That's when his arms find me, wrapping around me like a blanket and warming me from the outside in. "Hey, c'mere. Shhhh, baby, it's okay. I've got you. You're okay," Nick soothes me, turning me around and holding me close.

I throw my arms around his waist, latching on to him with all my might. My hands grip his shirt tight, feeling the fabric seep between my fingers. Nick's scent, the familiarity of it, brings me the comfort I've been craving for days, and I soak it in, letting it penetrate my senses.

"Breathe, baby," Nick tells me, running his hand gently down the back of my hair, pressing my face into his chest as my sobbing grows louder. "Let it out, sweet girl. I've got you. I promise. I'm not leaving." "I'm so sorry, Nick," I wail, my voice muffled by his shirt. "I'm sorry. I didn't pay attention to the signs, I should've listened to you," "Y/N," "He ghosted me, Nick! I thought he... he... he was so nice! I don't understand! Why wasn't I good enough,” my words sticking to the back of my throat. "Y/N, no, don't do that to yourself. You know it wasn't you." "Do I, Nick!" I shriek, pulling back and away from him. "How do I know? It feels like I've been screwing up so much lately. I've been looking at everything wrong and interpreting the wrong signs for the right ones. I've been so self-absorbed, never looking at the thing I've had in front of me the whole time, the thing that, that, that," but I can't finish my sentence because the words I'm about to say might ruin everything.

"The thing that what," Nick asks, straightening his back and coming to his full height. Our eyes lock, and the connection is intense. The tip of Nick's tongue peeks through the space between his lips the moment his eyes drift to mine, making me think he's envisioning something. He slips his hand behind my neck, gripping it lightly. I think he's about to do what I've been imagining him doing since this fervent moment began, but instead, he just smiles.

"That asshole has no idea what he's missing out on. You're a wonderful, loveable girl, Y/N. And you deserve to be with someone who values your heart." Nick's words make me melt, and I quickly become like jelly in his hands. "Someone like you," I ask, barely above a whisper. Nick takes a step forward and places his forehead on mine. I'm holding my breath and refusing to blink, afraid that if I do, this moment will be over. "Especially me," he states, pressing his lips on mine.

The kiss is simple. Just our lips connecting, pressed tightly together for the first time ever. But the feeling it gives me and the way it changes the atmosphere around us is what's so amazingly breathtaking. Everything about it feels right. And when we part, there's no regret. None. On either of our parts. Just a small smile, and then I'm back in Nick's arms, holding onto him for dear life.

“Can we at least go inside if you’re going to make me talk about this?” I say to him as the rain continues falling and soaking my hair. 

I can’t believe Noah opened his big stupid mouth and let it slip that I was in love with Nicholas.

It’s not like it could have been much of a surprise, we’ve all been friends for years, but this thing with Nick, it’s like there’s a string around my heart attached to his. I always want to be around him, I want to know how he feels, what he’s thinking, but I’ve been so scared to do anything to jeopardize our friendship. 

Well, that wish has flown out the window and now we’re standing in the pouring rain and I’m having possibly the worst conversation of my life and ruining a lifelong friendship. 

“Why didn’t you tell me?” his voice breaks off towards the end and he’s looking at me with his soft brown eyes as the rainfalls, cold and heavy onto his cheeks. I run a frustrated hand through my hair and turn away from him with a sigh. “It was a personal issue Nicky, I was figuring it out,” I huff out and try to calm my racing heartbeat. 

Nicholas places a gentle hand on my shoulder, turning me around to face him. “You being in love with me kind of also involves me,” he says as his hand pushes the wet rain-soaked hair that has fallen in front of my eyes. “I’m done being scared and stupid,” he rasps out and his hands move to cup my cheek. “ I can’t be around you another second without you knowing how much I love you.” 

I don’t know if it’s the coldness of the rain or the shock of his words that makes me freeze. The warmth of his hand brings me back to reality he gently pulls me closer and rests his forehead against mine. “You love me too?” my voice comes out as a whisper. He nods softly, “I’ve always loved you, you are everything.” 

I’m at a loss for words but he doesn’t mind, with the rain all but forgotten he pulls my face even closer and my eyes flutter to a close as our lips finally touch.