#neversecond

Certainty is a scary thing to face. A lot of the times when I’m certain, I doubt how certain I am. I can’t be so sure about something, me, a mere mortal of 24 years of life on earth. Can I? (That’s me doubting my statement. In case you were doubting my sarcasm.)

Any time I’m facing a situation that can really go any way, I doubt the shit out of my decision, panic on the potential horrible outcome of it, no matter how improbable, and just shoot for it anyways. Why do I cause myself such anxiety? Because I know that if I don’t try, I’ll never know for sure. If only I can perfectly execute that mindset 100% of the time, considering certain unfinished business and unanswered questions I have, then I’d be at peace with them all. Or would I?

I’ve been challenged with a question regarding a (fairly) recent relationship I was in. My ex-boyfriend and I had ended our relationship on (fairly) good terms. I had trouble moving on because he was still, and is still, in the picture on a friendly basis. I wasn’t one to befriend my exes because it’s a separation I have trouble making: either you’re out or all in, but he managed to turn it into a (fairly) comfortable situation. I’d moved on, gotten my social life back, met new people, rekindled old friendships... I got back to who I truly was before. Until one night, while I was out enjoying drinks with friends, he’d been texting me while bored at home, he decided to drop the “I made a mistake” bomb. To which I answered it was too late, reluctantly so, but I meant it. I then decided I’d give him a chance to explain, talk about it. Just not now, because it wasn’t the time.

Days turned into weeks, weeks into months, which was sufficient time to make up one’s mind. That to me was a first sign that A. I can not trust him, because if he has such ease going back on his word from one second to the next then he has trouble committing to most everything, B. he didn't care to even follow up on what he’d told me, even if that meant he didn’t feel that way anymore and C. he didn’t actually feel that way after all.

Was it an act of jealousy for my moving on? Was he realizing he couldn’t find better and that was his petty way of slowing me down from “moving on too quickly” or did he wanna keep stringing me along? Lord knows. But all I know is he gave me enough proof to know that I wasn’t good enough for him to begin with (and I’m not dogging myself). I’m merely expressing his point of view based on his actions. If he’d said that one night and meant it, then he would have made sure that conversation happened. But he didn’t.

I asked him about it today. After a torturous game of “why do you hate me Liz” (because honestly I didn’t want to have that conversation), which I didn’t answer until he asked me whether I trusted him or not. I told him I couldn't trust him because he went back on his words. Words that meant nothing to me, but out of respect of our friendship and previous relationship, I said I’d give him a chance to explain. When I asked him why he never even gave those words a second thought he said he was a relationship newb and that he didn’t know how you “know”. At that moment, I crossed out any possibility of us every having any kind of relationship past “superficial friendship”.

“How do you know?” you ask? Fuck if I know. But when I know someone special is standing right in front of me, someone who makes me feel that little bit stronger (which is hard to do), someone whose flaws are cute to me, that I can see planning things ahead with and don’t feel suffocated by, then I know not to question whether this is “it” or not. I just know to keep riding the wave and digging deeper into this chance I’m taking. I know I’m lucky just to have met someone so great that doesn’t make me want to tear my hair out and the more days I ride the wave, the more certain I am. He’s not just there to keep a spot for someone “better”. This is it, more and more so every day we exist as one.