#nessas thoughts

thats it im never telling people about my dreams of engagement, weddings or marriage. i feel embarrassed and like a joke. and tbh i just wanna cry 🙃 it takes alot of courage to speak about this to people, my anxiety is a hell to go through and everytime i speak up about it i feel like im a joke to people. Im done with sharing this dream with others. i rather feel lonely and sad then have a conversation with people if i only gonna end up in tears anyway then i can do that by myself 🙃

Lately ive been struggling with loving my body. I dont have a flat belly, i have flappy arms, big thighs and I have hip dips. I work out daily to get stronger and keep myself healthy, because my familys medical history have lots of heart problems. But whenever i talk to family memebers or anyone about my workout, i feel like they always judge me for not having weightloss as my goal when i work out. And it makes me feel so insecure in my body and I keep doubting myself if my priorities are all wrong.

This week been slowly breaking me. The start of the week was amazing, i went to see kendrick lamar with my siblings ❤️ then i wanted to talk to my bf alot but i got busy and I ended up just textning. Then he started to answer my text even slower and I fell into my own head feeling like i only bothered him. I got more and more lonely and at the end of the week i felt extremly lonely, sad and tired. I hurt my lower back ass well ( it still hurts ;v;) then last night i had a very sad realistic dream were my bf told me he didnt want me as his wife and he didnt want a family with me. Because i wasnt wife material. So been a bit down all day. I tried to text him today but his replies took hours and then i found out he had been out with his bff and then i felt like a jerk for getting upset. And now i lay here in bed with back pain slowly getting anxious of taking space in his life, bc my anxious brain believe im the least important thing in his life 🙃 lets hope tomorrow gets better ;v;)/

im sorry for writing alot about engagement and weddings. But Tumblr have always been a safe zone for me and I dont have anyone irl to talk about this. Ad tbh im terrified to even tell people about it. So i write put my emotions and day dreaming here because the only one who read this blog is my bff anyone else in my life doesnt know this exist. Which makes it easy for me because i can write these kind of things without feeling like im a weirdo. But i am sorry, im just struggling a little right now.

I really wanna marry my boyfriend but i dont think that will ever happen and I would lie if i said im fine with it, but im not and it sadden me everytime i think about it

I wanna give up on my dream to become someone's wife. The more i am with my partner the less hope i have and it only hurts me so whats the point of dreaming of something that will never happen. Im tired or hoping and dreaming. I only end up sad and hurt