#negotiating up

This isn’t confusing at all, I know exactly what you’re asking!

Okay so-! If you attend a workshop on playing, or sometimes before a play party there is a mandatory talk you have to attend, or you’re attending a newbie event, they may likely bring up something called “negotiating up,” and that you shouldn’t do it. “Negotiating Up” refers to re-negotiating mid-scene and adding something to the scene that wasn’t previously negotiated and/or consented to before the session. This is potentially dangerous, especially for newbies:

as the players’ headspaces alter their feelings and thoughts (players may not be able to give full consent).

it causes an interruption in the scene/headspace (could kill the mood, breaking out of a headspace isn’t fun).

if the sub is bound and is literally in a vulnerable position, they may feel pressured to say “yes,” or the Dom takes advantage and pushes for a yes.

the added activity may already be risky on its own, or make the other consented activities, or the rest of the session, risky.

When playing with someone new, and/or you’re inexperienced, you should absolutely negotiate your scene, and then stick to it the whole way through. Negotiate what happens before the session, during the session, and after the session, and keep to it. Feel free to negotiate down (take away a certain activity, tool, tease, phrase, loosen bondage, get out of the bondage), but do not negotiate up. Especially if you’re a newbie, it’s your first time playing with this person, or you’re not 100% trusting and comfortable with the person you’re playing with.

But yes… unfortunately I have to admit that I have “negotiated up” during sessions, only with play partners I have played with multiple times, there’s been prior teasing about these certain acts being done eventually, and we’re all experienced players with multiple references. I have had a session that turned us both on, and they were tempting me by lightly tickling my thighs and over my panties with a big fluffy feather like how could I resist!! And another session where my mouth was duct-taped and they asked mid-scene if they could lift my bra to play with my nipples and I nodded a “yes~”. This probably makes me look so bad- 🫣😖.

Though then again, tickling and erotic tickling/touching aren’t as risky as other kinks out there. My play partners and I generally stick to our realm of tickling and having painless sessions! I didn’t necessarily be like, “do what you want to me!” in these examples, though I would love to have blanket consent like that with multiple play partners!