#neg--

i always wonder how different my life would be if i was the kid of my dad’s older brother who is very smart (tho tbh all my relatives on my dad’s side are smart he’s literally the token idiot) bc i have a cousin about two months older than me and quantitatively we were about the same and she had a loving supportive parent who gave her anything and everything while both of mine were unmitigated abusive assholes

when we were like,,, freshmen or sophomores in hs she was learning advanced spanish and french simultaneously and i was beginning to do really poorly in school because i had such awful undiagnosed depression and not knowing how to study bc i never had to before. and it was frustrating and still frustrates me. i was smart because i fucking earned it, had to teach myself goddamn everything with no support. she may have earned it too, struggled and worked hard but 1.) i don’t know because i hardly know my family bc who wants to hang out with their fuck up brother’s fuck up children and 2.) it must’ve been at least easier to at least have access to learning and growth opportunities not limited by money or parents who should never have had children

AND THE WORST PART?? my cousin has so much of a drive and probably still would’ve flourished and i’m not good enough to overcome my issues. and there are people who get dealt much worse and overcome theirs and i couldn’t i’m i’m such a fucking loser.