#neg

My lipid panel looks like shit and it's hard not to cry when every health test has come back gradually worse over the past 3 years. And I don't mean the chronic fatigue stuff I mean cholesterol, kidney function, etc, everything has been getting worse and it's literally because of being stuck living here for 3 years, barely moving or even getting out of bed because I don't want to leave my room and deal with being around people that instantly give psychic damage (or just plain psychically hurt my ears with the noise level) there's no access to public transit so I can't go anywhere, literally not even a normal mundane amount of physical activity. The misery and stress makes my diet also shit, also can't go out whenever I want for groceries, ability to make decent food is limited because of how much my energy hemorrhages sheerly due to the baseline of having to cope with the environment. Like this place is just slowly killing me and there's nothing I can do. Everything I CAN do is a bandaid on a permanent problem. Healing is not even an option for me, everything is trying to slow down how quickly I get more sick. Like it's just terrible. Just the mental experience of opening every test result and seeing it's worse and knowing there's so little I can do about it because this is just not a healthy way to live and trying to improve small things like eating better is not an easily accessible task when you live like this, as if improving small things would even make enough of an impact. It's hard to explain it to doctors or anyone who asks because unless you've lived it, there's just no way for someone to grasp the things I'm describing that sound like mild annoyances or inconveniences to the average person are AGONIZING when it's every day for years. If you simply drive a car, you already cannot grasp the severity of "being stuck". If you're not trans, you cannot grasp the mental torture of being misgendered daily.