#needdirections

"What are you majoring in?" Is a question I’ve been asked for the past few months. But today, it hit me. I have no actual plans for the future that I'm not doubting. I’ve worried about before. But it feels so real this time. Like a truck fell on me, I felt it slam into my head. I could feel the pressure in my chest. What am I supposed to do? I’ve thought about doing a lot of those things, but it seems that I have a higher chance of failing at any of those things. I’ve always wanted to write, but let’s be honest, I am no where near the best. To be any type of writer, you need to be better than other people. Music-I’m tone-deaf. Honestly Genetics and studying nuclear chemistry would be a blast, that is if I didn’t have hard time understanding how everything works. Librarian science-ship- would that really satisfy me? Lately, I’ve been thinking about business. I feel like that is the thing that people go for when they have no other choice. Do I have another choice? Is there a better one? What would I be in charge of? Nobody respects me now. who would listen later? Am I assertive enough? Why can’t I stay at home? I don’t like cleaning and I hate cooking.

There’s so much to do and so much to think about. All I want to do is lay in bed. Talk to people. No. I don’t want to talk. I want to listen. I want to help people. I’ve been thinking about how this is all up to fate. And maybe there is such a thing as fate. Maybe what happens, happens for some reason. Maybe no matter what I want or plan for, something certain will happen. No matter the degree I get, I will always try to get a book or my poems published. I will always love going to work simply because it keeps me focused. I will always be curious about new things. And no matter how hard I try, I will just look like a big dork. Once I get my own place, I will be bounded to keeping my door open to friends and family. Strangers sometimes even, too.