#nb issues

Whoops! You made it awkward!

The person who has directed you to this page wants you to know that you're making things super awkward. Before saying anything further, please read through the following instructions so that no one has to feel weird.

So you were asked to correct a term and made a big deal about it.

You were asked to change a pronoun, name, or other gendered term, and then you felt a need to apologize, explain why you made the mistake, reassure the person you are speaking with that your mistake wasn't intentional, and/or otherwise make kind of a big deal about correcting your mistake. First of all: it's great that you care about using the correct terms! Your intentions are good. However, by making a big deal about it, you are calling greater attention to this person's gender identity, forcing them to remain in the moment of being temporarily misgendered, and worst of all, making the situation about you, your intentions, and your feelings. You're inadvertently putting a huge emotional burden on the person you're trying to reassure, making them feel like they need to look after you and your feelings and reassure you that you are not a bad person for making a simple mistake.

What should I do?

The good news is, it's super simple. For now, just drop it and move on with the conversation! There's absolutely no need to discuss it any further. These things happen all the time! This person knows your intentions are good and it was an honest mistake. In the future, if you are corrected or asked to make a change again, try adapting one of these simple scripts to your situation to ensure a comfortable resolution and avoid being sent to read this guide again:

You This is my friend Sam. I know him from work.

Sam Them, not him, please.

You Oh, right, sorry. I know them from work.

You Is that a new shirt? Look at you, fashionable lady!

Pat Not "lady", please.

You Oh, sure. Look at you, fashionable friend!

You This is my friend Sarah, from school.

Josh It's Josh now.

You Whoops, sorry. This is my friend Josh.

And then carry on the conversation. It's as simple as that.

But I still have questions!

It's great that you want to inform yourself. However, now is not the right time for that. Remember that your gender non-conforming friend just wants to live their life, and isn't necessarily eager to educate every single person they know, especially not in the middle of a totally unrelated conversation. Imagine if every time someone accidentally called you the wrong name and you corrected them, they immediately began interrogating you about your family history and origin of your name - not the most comfortable of positions to be in! If you want to ask your friend more questions, try doing it at a later time, and be prepared for them to say they'd rather not talk about it.

If your friend says they'd rather not talk about it, consider doing a little research on your own. There are plenty of resources available online, including communities of people who are happy to answer your questions. (Editor's note: doing some research before you start asking this person questions will help you ask better questions, and go a long way in showing that you care.) Try starting here:

Dictionary of Terms

Understanding Transgender People

Nonbinary People

A Guide to They Them Pronouns

PDF Guides on Gender Minorities

Harvard Business Review Guide to Workplace Inclusion

There are many more resources available online, from organizations and members of the community alike, as well as numerous blogs and Tumblr accounts dedicated to respectful education and representation. First hand accounts are incredibly helpful, but keep in mind no one person (including your friend or family member) can represent the entire community.

Written by: Secret Foxfire

Edited and hosted by @primitivedisaster

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Some medical issues so if you don’t want to read, please skip over this

Not every nonbinary person attracted to women identifies as a lesbian or sapphic.

It’s not okay to force people who don’t identify as lesbian or sapphic under those labels.

Even if they present femininely. Even if they use she/her pronouns. Even if they’re AFAB. Even if they’re misgendered as female. Even if they’re transfeminine.

as a NonBinary elder (i’m genderqueer), this makes me so hopeful for the future. kudos to Max and all other nb young ppl quoted!