#name rant

So recently I’ve decided to start going by the name Shane instead of my old one and this coming semester I’m going to start just going by that that like I’m going to email profs and everything but being home is hard because it’s full of people who have only known me as the old name and I just don’t feel like putting myself through the process of telling them I don’t go by that name anymore and it’s like whatever to me at this point my friends call me Shane, my girlfriend calls me Shane, and when I go places and they ask for a name I give them Shane and when I finally move out of this town or get a new job whichever comes first I’m going to introduce myself as Shane

Then I think about like legal documents but you know what FUCK that plenty of fucking people go by different names then what is their legal name so that will be the name that I signature and the name that goes on legal docs but when people speak to me they are going to use my name, Shane,

So yeah it’s just this awkward place where a lot of people still call me my old name but a good amount of people use my name and my mom knows that people at college call me it as a “nickname” but whatever that’s good enough for me for now

This is another name post, I know it’s like my fifth one, and trust me, it’s as annoying for me as it is for you. So I’ve decided to not change my name, to go back to Zoe. 

There are a few reasons for this. 

First is i’m not sure if I’m ever going to like actually come out, I might just like stay in the closet forever I guess, which sounds extreme, but I think it just might be easier. I’m going to have enough like homophobia to deal with, and I don’t think I can take transphobia on top of that. Changing my identity and the way I identify would just be so so annoying and tedious and people would still misgender me either by accident or on purpose, and I’d have to come out to literally everyone and I just don’t think I can do that. 

But secondly, even if I do come out, it is really weird for me to be called another name. I don’t hate my name, per se, I just thought of it as attached to a part of myself I didn’t want to be anymore. But now I think that even if I do come out, I still want to be Zoe. That’s like the name I’ve always known, and I have so many memories associated with it, and I don’t want to get rid of it. 

I can’t talk to people at school and the longer I’m here the more invalidated I feel but there is nothing I can do fuck I don’t know what to do anymore this isn’t a place I can question things and try and change and be who I want to be because there is no support for me here

How am I supposed to try and figure out who I want to be when I can’t even fucking bring up the courage to ask these people to call me the name I want them to use

And my best friend won’t talk to me anymore hah which is just fucking peachy this is why I didn’t want to tell her and I didn’t even tell her about thinking I was non binary just that I wanted to start using a different name ahshaksks everything is just messed up and I don’t have anyone here I can really talk to the one girl who was chill and awesome left cause she felt the same way as I do but she wasn’t trapped by her program like I am

And now it’s like Idek if using a different name is right?!? Fuck like with my amazing friends who are being so fucking supportive and using Shane and they/them pronouns it’s so nice and I love them but idk if it’s for me at lest the name part like idk if I should stick with it because the prospect of having to tell others my preferred name is terrifying

God I hate this place what was I thinking

I like Shane, Shane fits, just because I’m not hearing it in my day to day doesn’t mean that is invalidated