#nadaspeaks

I'm not really okay in the sense that I don't know what's happening to me.

When I'm alone and sure no one can hear me I just break down crying. It's not something I plan it's just, something that happens spontaneously? Like I start sensing I'm totally alone and the top of my nose and forehead feel congested and then I just start crying for no reason. It just happens out of the blue but I guess my mind unconciously determines okay now no one can see or hear you so boom water works. 

I honestly haven't cried as much as I have in the past few months than I have in my whole life. It's ridiculous.

I don't know who I am. Like it's so weird. I'm me... I'm Nada... but I don't want to be me so I'm not me, but I am. That makes no sense.

My crush knows everything now so yay? But not really? Like I'm happy it's all out there now and stuff like woohoo we can move on, but like I can't? I mean I've been trying to direct the feelings I have for him in another direction to fuel my celebrity crush on Michael Fassbender? Maybe not the best idea but at least I'm pouring it into a celebrity style crush and not something that hurts as much as the guilt vat that is the other crush. Like now there's a million other things in my head relating to the situation.

I'm stupid in general you know. Just been really low lately and I just want to scream and scream help me help me Help Me HELP ME.

Ugh I'm a mess. I need to get my life in order and forget him and everything and just 

I was better off when I was closed off all the time. Now I just word vomit everything and anything at everyone.

I'm just gonna slowly build up my walls and keep everything at arms length again for a bit to see how that works out and if I can repair myself

So, the first and most important thing that happened was that  I "met" this guy at Supercon on Sunday. He was dressed as Dave and he had a really nice promstuck outfit. The last promstuck song was a slow song and he asked me if I wanted to dance with him and I said yes. I was super excited because that was the first time a guy had just out of the blue without knowing me or anything had asked me for a dance. Not even guys I know ask me to slow dance with them, it's mostly girls and cause they are my friends and probably feel bad cause I'm always alone or awkward or a wall flower. Anyways... i can't stop thinking about it. I feel like an idiot. He's probably like 17 or something and wow no I'm sorry I can't bby. Like... Idk I just felt there was no closure, I never got his name age, URL anything, we hung out for a good 2 hours after the dance and I never once saw his eyes. It's stupid that I'm so unnerved by this.

Then I hung out with friends but I was awkward the whole time, I felt out of place and honestly now that I think about it I didn't even want to be there, I was there because I liked watching people and seeing awesome costumes but I could be doing that here, just looking up photos and stuff instead of having to actually physically be there. There were people I wanted to hang out with but I was too intimidated to. I don't like bothering people and I just feel during the con and now after with my anxiety I am. Also the fact that I would approach a person to ask them to hand out just felt like I'd be troubling them or that I'm not good enough to be part of a group of such dedicated fans.

My weight issue got the better of me again. I did stuff way out of my comfort zone this weekend, dance with people, wear short skirts, wear dresses, wear a STRAPLESS SHORT dress. and just in general I was freaking out about my looks. I was so nervous and even though I tried to play of casual and got a bunch of compliments I just hated myself.

I'm 19, I repeat this all the time but it's just inconceivable for me, I have no confidence in myself. I'm scared of getting a job, interacting with people and having to graduate because sometimes I just feel like I'm good at getting things done (crappy or otherwise) at the last second and going to school and staying there. I'm terrified of everything and I hate myself and that no one will like me or that people don't really like me they just think I'm nice and know I will listen if they need me to, but not fun I don't think I'm fun or cool.... 

I really feel worthless and just pushed by everything. I try to stop and I try to comfort people that seemt o be feeling the same or similar, I try to boost their confidence because I feel they have a chance. I don't feel I have that chance for some reason. I don't know why I care so much.

Sometimes I feel like I just want people all over me, just pity me even I don't care, I just feel like I lack attention and that makes me so mad at myself. Everything I have done just seems like it's for attention and I'm just sick, I don't really care about anyone I just want them to ntice me and I jsut want to be popular, but I really DON'T, I want friends, I want stability, I want to be versatile, be able to talk to people and not have to worry about each little detail of my existance. I want to be able to look people in the eyes and not dip my head or avert my eyes because I feel so inferior. 

I try so hard, I don't try at all, I just try to be myself , I try to be something I'm not and nothing works. I don't know why I'm this way and all I do is get more anxious and angry at myself. I wish i could be normal. I wish I wouldn't freak out. I wish I wan't crying right now because I'm so stupid. I'm so weak it's pathetic and disgusting. I seem to like to pity myself a lot too.

The fact that I have hope someone is reading this and will confront/ comfort me about it is disgusting to me.

I don't even know why I'm still typing.

I'm so pressured, so stressed...

They have such high expectation of me and I can't commit to them

I can't so it.. I can't...

help me...

I'm shaking...

I can't...

So in speech the other day my professor started ranting about stuff and among it she got on the sex change and transgender topic and honestly it made me feel bad. I mean you can have your opinion but you don't have to go around being all "It makes no sense it's so disgusting"

So that was one thing.

Yesterday some girl made a really uncomfortable speech about being a sexually active 19 year old and contraceptives and going into a lot of detail about her sex life and what not. So the point of it was to persuade us to use contraceptives and get tested and such. The teacher didn't like her speech from what I could see, but hen she started talking and we got on the topic of homosexuals and how it was homosexual men that got HIV because lesbians didn't. And the girl says "Oh no they do, it's all body fluid related" And the teacher just makes this disgusted face and tells her not to talk about those gross things and lesbians. So pretty much she was transmitting that the idea of lesbians disgusted her?

I think back on it and its not that bad it just kinda made me really uncomfortable were all this was going so I had to leave the class for a few minutes.