#myshame

I pass people on the streets wondering if one of them is that penguin... if I'll ever get the chance to explain myself...

------------------------------------------------

The first letter had come from Suna. Not surprising really with how closely they and the Leaf had become over time. But over months requests started to pour in from the other Allied villages, as well as civillian villages from nearly every country. Hospitals and Med-Nin asking advice, researchers wanting to collaborate, doctors seeking news on new techniques.

The rest of Team 7 had only heard about this, of course, about a month ago when Ino had apparently let it slip while scolding Naruto for some behavior on his latest trip to the hospital. At the next team meal Naruto and Kakashi had nearly interrogated her: How long had she been getting these requests? Who were they from? What did they want? What did that mean? What had she said?

He'd smiled as she tried to answer all of their questions pride swelling in his chest.

When he'd returned after the war he'd been relieved to learn that some things hadn't changed in that Naruto and Sakura were still as talkative, caring, and unstoppably optimistic as ever. They had insisted on setting up time to spend together even if only for a meal or two a month around busy schedules. On one of the first nights it was just he and Sakura he had been happy and slightly awed to find that Sakura was a depth of good conversation.

As a gennin, talking to Sakura outside of life and death strategizing had been grating at best, but those "conversations" had mostly consisted of Sakura trying to fill his silence with enough words for the both of them. He figured out long ago that when Sakura was nervous she babbled about whatever popped into her head, as opposed to himself who had the tendency to clam up.

Now, Sakura wasn't trying to impress anyone and he wasn't trying to push everyone away so they were able to begin to mend and build their broken bond. She always had something new to discuss from current political information between the villages to genjutsu scenarios. It was thrilling to watch her speak with passion and excitement about medicine or her research. Sasuke had found reson to renew his studies of the sciences to have topics or questions for the next time he saw her.

When he had left to travel she had asked to go with him. Had he not anticipated her request he might have agreed, but he'd thought a long time about how he wanted to see the world for himself with no ulterior motives, to find out who he really was after years of being led astray.

She had been disappointed but understood. She always understood.

When he'd returned to the village he'd sought her out before being sure that he'd made the decision to do so. She's been so plainly excited, grinning from ear to ear, and had rushed to embrace him. They had never held eachother for so long outside of battle. Physical contact to convey positive emotions wasn't something Sasuke was terribly comfortable with, and to her credit Sakura had grown to respect that as much as someone as open with their displays as her could. None of their friends were around and anyone else who might have been nearby faded from their attention.

Sakura had wrapped her arms around his middle and given a good squeeze. Holding on for just a little longer than one of her usual Sasuke hugs and had begun to loosen her hold when Sasuke had surprised them both by sliding his hand from the back of her opposite shoulder to the back of her head.

Their difference in height had increaed since he'd left Sasuke'd noted with some pride before using the advantage to tuck her head under his chin. He'd felt her hands rise to grasp at the cloth over his shoulder blades as he pressed his hand and face into her hair. Heart pounding he'd been relieved to feel what had remained of his homesickness even after passing through the village gates finally vanish.

After his second return they'd quickly fallen into a pattern of spending nearly all their free time together. They studied old texts and wrote out ideas they had that might help Kakashi. They practiced Genjutsu and Ninjutsu techniques, and worked out new Taijutsu combinations. Sakura taught him some basic healing jutsu (or as she joked how not to lose any more limbs if she happened to not be around) and Sasuke taught her how to use and care for his hawks.

They had been that way for the last six months until Team seven had found out about her requests. After that meal Sakura had by no means retreated from him or anyone else, but he had noticed she seemed to have less free time then before.

Three nights ago, at their monthly team dinner, she'd told them why.

She had thought about what they had said, about the letters she had been getting, and about how she'd always wanted to travel and see the world but due to her responsibilities never got the chance outside of missions. So she had decided to travel and meet the people who had correspond with her, to see the world for herself.

When she'd first talked about the letters Sasuke had admittedly been the slightest bit hurt that she'd never mentioned them to him but not the least bit surprised. Sakura didn't draw much attention to her achievements, and what decent doctor wouldn't want to have contact with one of the foremost experts in their field. But when she'd said she was leaving, would be traveling the world for an indeterminate amount of time he felt like one of the stars he used to navigate the night sky was disappearing.

He understood, of course.

He understood more than most that Sakura deserved to explore and define herself beyond the village walls. The world was a beatiful place that people deserved to see for themselves. And above all she would be helping people, what Sasuke had long determined in his mind as her one true calling.

She had been working with Shizune and Kakashi to shift her workload to others who could handle some of her duties in her absence.

She would be leaving by the end of the week.

Naruto, and surprisingly Sai, had been been terribly happy to hear of her decision. Sasuke had tried his best to be encouraging through his shock. Kakashi sat with his eye crinkling with a wash of fatherly pride before Naruto began to fret over her safety. Yes, the world could be a dangerous place, Sasuke agreed, but Sakura was more than capable. Sasuke was more worried about what he would do once she left.

This was just another way in which Sakura exuded strength while he was weak. How many times had she had to watch him walk away from the light, away from their home, away from whatever possibilities there might be for them? While he couldn't stand the idea of watching her walk out of his life, even just for a while.

For years now she had been waiting; for him to return, to be ready, to bridge the distance that still lay between them. She was content to be his friend and support but he knew he didn't just want friendship when he thought about this place without her and knew it wasn't home.

That's what had led him to her door less than two days before she planned to depart. He didn't think he was strong enough to face an unknown amount of time without her. It was up to him to bridge the distance and let her know that. But it had still taken him days to work himself up to it, plus he'd been outside her apartment for half an hour shifting his weight from foot to foot with his hand baried at the bottom of his pocket.

He thought he was probably going to have to work on that.

He knocked and waited. Soon enough he heard her stepping across the wooden floor to answer. Her curious expression jumping to a beaming smile as she opened the door.

"Sasuke-kun! Hey, come on in! I wasn't expecting anyone this late, but I'm glad you're here! I was going to track you down tomorrow so this saves some time. I was wondering if I could ask you some questions about the terrain and weather patterns in some of the places you said you'd traveled? Oh, I'll be right back."

She disappeared down the hallway to her bedroom leaving him to close the door and slip off his sandles. As he took a few steps inside the apartment he took in the disarray. Tomes, open scrolls, and loose paper were spread across every surface they could be. Clothing, piled according to a mystery system, had taken over the counter that separated the kitchen from the living room. And a large map and openned letters covered her small dinning table.

Sasuke had seen what happened when Sakura got carried away with research, but this was a bit...amplified.

As he took it all in Sakura returned with what looked like more letters.

"Okay, so, Dr. Ironi said that the best way to travel in that area of Iwa in the Fall was to go along the North side of the .....

Sasuke?"

"Huh? Yeah, that's the best way to go."

"Are you okay?"

Sasuke was pretty sure he wasn't with his heart hammering and his stomach fluttering. He couldn't seem to maintain eye contact with her and his hand had retreated into his pocket.

"I, uh, I wanted to ask you something, too." Sasuke managed before he needed to swallow.

Sakura's interest was piqued and she waited quietly as he mulled his lips together.

Sasuke cleared his throat. "I was wondering...Sakura... would you take me with you?"

He chanced a glance up and took in Sakura's shell-shocked expression. His ears were on fire and his mouth was completely dry. He couldn't stop his eyes from meeting hers every few seconds to watch her emotions play out across her face.

After a few moments he saw she had resolved to an answer. He was almost certain, and all his evidence, oointed to her agreeing but that didn't make him any less nervous at the possibility she would say no.

Their eyes met again and Sakura took a few steps forward until they were standing directly in front of each other. She licked her lips and took a breath before answering.

"On one condition."

Sasuke's breath caught as Sakura raised her right hand between them, his eyes falling shut as the her pointer and middle finger connected with the center of his forehead.

"Tell me what this means."

She had chosen him and pledged to the world that she intended to be beside him forever and for a reason he couldn’t articulate it was different from the countless similar vows she’d made to him and to herself. He suspected that this change was wholly in his mind, but marriage had given him a new identity, a fresh purpose. He was no longer the lone survivor, a Konoha shinobi, a traitor, a neo-Sannin, or a wanderer; he was a husband.

He had wracked his memory for examples of husbands and was brought time and again to what little he’d observed of his parents’ relationship. He had become the head of his clan, like his father had been, but a clan of just two. So, with no headsman duties, no police department to oversee, and no village elders to oppose what he was left with was the sole duty to ensure his wife was safe, well, and happy.

Yet, Sasuke was beginning to find that his insecurities about their relationship, instead of vanishing, had seemed to shift from what he should do to whether what he did was good enough. Sakura, as always, was patient and grateful for any and all of his attentions and as happy as that made him sometimes Sasuke worried that Sakura’s selflessness limited her own satisfaction.

He wanted her to know that she could be upset with him and correct him. That not everything had to be perfect just for him, but for her as well. That as much as he loved timid, blushing Sakura he also loved drunk, dirty-minded Sakura and bold warrior Sakura.

But of course, Sasuke could find no way to arrange these half-feelings into something he could hope to successfully articulate. Sasuke was no fool, he knew he had no great gift with words especially when the topics surrounded his feelings or the woman who was now his wife. Sasuke had always been a man of action and thankfully it had always been a cornerstone of their relationship through the years that Sakura understood that about him and was one of the people best at understanding what his actions had to say.

That hope of communicating through his actions had led Sasuke through an awkward mumbling of words and bumbling of limbs to his current position on his back on the single bed of their small inn’s room with Sakura astride him.

She’d been clearly confused at first by his choppy words and hesitant rearranging of their bodies, this was not a position they had ever assumed previously in their love making. Then, as usual, in the middle of his plan’s execution he found the words he needed to convey and pulled her in for a kiss.

“Get what you need from this, too.”

After they’d parted she’d stared down at him for a few long moments head tilting slightly to the side, brows furrowing as she’d searched his eyes as he’d seen her do a hundred times, working to decipher what he was trying to say until he saw comprehension light in her eyes. Sakura had leaned down to where he was still propped up on his elbow to bestow a fierce, searing kiss that had eventually led to the now of her hands splayed on his taut stomach fingers roaming his sides and through the dark hair low on his abdomen as his hand slid between her knee and rib cage encouraging the steady rhythm of her hips.

Sasuke watched as her eyes slipped shut and she bit her lower lip. That image alone had heat settling down at the base of his spine. When she grasped his hand and guided it to different areas of her body he readily complied caressing, squeezing, and rolling her flesh until her other hand was braced on the left side of his chest and the rocking of her hips was moving the bed beneath them.

Sakura’s breath was coming hard and her eyes were twisting shut. Beneath the power of her ecstasy Sasuke felt that if could help her feel this way he was invincible.

He reached out and ran his thumb across her cheek, along her jaw, and down her throat before moving his hand to the apex of her thighs to make gentle, consistent circles. He didn’t count how many stokes it took, he was too focused on her face feeling the Sharingan flicker to life in his right eye seconds before Sakura began to tremble. A moment later Sakura let out a cry, fingernails digging into his skin, as the pace of her hips became erratic and her muscles began to constrict him.

Being inside Sakura had always been a wonder to him but it had never been like this, had never felt like she was squeezing him, trying to bring him farther inside. It made electric heat spark in his lower back and his hips buck as he gave in to her pull.

When he was spent she was still upright and trembling, elbows locked with her hands braced on his torso. Even though Sasuke had just seen stars and was relatively sure his muscles now consisted of goo he made himself sit up enough to gather Sakura to his chest before reclining back to the mattress.

He combed his hand through her damp hair as her fingers drew shaky patterns across his skin. When Sakura’s breathing had slowed and the rush of blood in his ears had quieted Sasuke heard:

The edge of the bed sank down beside him.

Her hand was gently rubbing on his chest.

He wanted her to touch him, intimately. To caress and squeeze and stroke but he knew she wouldn't, not with him in this state. A breath later and the urge was gone as fast as it had come.

"Hey, don't fall asleep yet I want you to sit up and drink some water for me."

Sitting at the moment seemed a monumental task what with the way the room was slowly spinning. But for her he would accept any challenge, defeat all the Kage and the Ten-tailed beast by himself, take on any God or Goddess that dained to prevent her happiness. He blinked a few long blinks to refocus on her face before reaching out to cup her cheek. He felt like smiling.  

He was smiling. 

He was definitely smiling.  

How long had he been smiling? 

Probably since she'd joined him at the tavern. She was so beautiful by firelight. There hadn't been any fire or candles there, but by the fire was one of the first places he'd really let himself take in her beauty. She was beautiful no matter the lighting. 

She was rubbing her hand across his chest again looking at him expectantly. Why was she looking at him like that? What did she want? 

"Sasuke." 

Oh, right, he was sitting up. 

He let his arm drop, closed his eyes, and took a couple deep breaths through his nose to help try to put the room flat again. Why was she asking this of him? It was hard. The more he tried to concentrate the faster the world seemed to spin. Sometimes she could still be annoying. It didn't matter though, he would do his best. 

His arm had fallen across her lap and he concentrated on how warm she was. Really all he wanted was for her to be against him and drift off to sleep. He felt so sluggish, had to think about pulling his arm back to his side then find the energy then actually move. Sober he didn't have think beforehand. In fact, often his body moved as a reaction before there was time to think. That was the main reason he rarely drank at all. The other was that as time had passed, and he'd been able to heal, he had found that he was more likely to experience nightmares again when he had consumed alcohol. 

Tonight was an anomaly, a culmination of a crappy two weeks in a village that barely tolerated his existence let alone his presence while Sakura worked at their short staffed hospital.  They had been meeting for dinner tonight after days of missing each other at their inn as they assisted the locals with recent storm and ensuing flood damage. Sakura had been running late but he had been expecting she would be and had ordered ahead for them. 

That's when he'd overheard the men a table over talking in explicit detail about how they'd love to take some time one-on-one in the exam room to show Dr. Haruno their appreciation for all her help. For the first time he was certain the men weren't trying to goad him and either didn't know he was there or who he was. But at that point his already sour mood had gone over a cliff. He'd been missing her and pissed so at that moment he'd decided fuck it and poured himself a cup of sake. When Sakura had finally arrived he'd been two bottles past the one he'd ordered for her. 

Sakura knew him well enough to know that everything he did was for a reason. And now this annoying, wonderful, thoughtful woman would be up the rest of the night trying to work out what had triggered his highly inconsistent behavior tonight. 

The not totally absurd thought that she might somehow find herself at fault made sitting up the simplist thing in the world.

He reached out for her but was met with a smooth, cool substitute. The glass of water she pressed into his hand became an obstacle. He took two big gulps to drain it, determoned to assuage any insecurities she might have, but when his stomach churned tumultuously he slowed to sip the remainder of the glass.

When he was done she took the glass from his hand and he used the opportunity to wrap his hand around the back of her neck and press their foreheads together.

"I was being stupid." 

When she started to protest he shook his head, rubbing their foreheads against each other. 

"No, listen, please don't worry. I was being stupid." He said again. 

He hated when she worried about him. 

When he felt her nod against him he pushed forward enough to place a chaste kiss against her lips before giving in to gravity and lying back onto the mattress.

----------------------------------------------------- 

He didn't have nightmares that night per se, all he remembered were bits and pieces of people and places he recognized along with a warm, damp presence he wrapped himself around as best he could.  

-------------------------------------------------------

There were birds chirping at the most irritating frequency in existence and somehow they happened to be right outside his window. 

This was certainly punishment for something. 

Sasuke groaned and rolled over as he pulled the covers up over his head. A moment later the covers were pulled back down and Sasuke groaned again. 

He moved toward the warmth beside him and pressed his face to her collar bone. The smell of her took the edge off the ache and he breathed deep. A moment later there were fingers running through his hair.