#myorangespirit

MyOrangeSpirit

I had a dream, where he was calling and I haven’t answered, but I was happy that he called, we still have a thing between us. I’ll admit that I was confused too and did a hard decision by choosing to to answer, I’m missing him so much, and yes I think about it a lot recently, but it’s lighter on my heart than before, I hope he is in a good health, but I also hope that he is not fine without me and he is missing me and that poetry his friend wrote is reminding him of me. I hope this dream will come true soon, I truly hope, but I have to realize that there is a chance of 2% possibility only that this dream will come and safe my reality. I can’t unlove him, he got a peice of my heart, he was different and he’ll always be to me, he is the kindest, I know I did the right thing and I don’t regret it, but I want him to say something so bad.

I hope today is going to be a good day, I hope something very special will happen to take the black block in my brain. My mornings are still the heaviest, I lost the well to wake up and enjoy my mornings as I used to be. I talked about this two weeks ago maybe, but it kills me that I’m still facing it. And it feels so bad to not being able to move on in the morning.

After that drama in the hospital. I went home and found a direct message from my brother asking me what's wrong, he wasn’t home that's why he didn’t know until he saw my snap, I uploaded a picture of my sister sitting in front of me, because I was really happy having her around me all the day and I was really grateful and I couldn’t hold my self to not take a photo of that precious moment. So I felt that I’m not able to tell him, it was just weird, so I texted him the next day and I told him that nothing happened and we came back home at 9 PM. He replied saying that he is asking what is happening not when we got back home. I told him then that my heart pulse was high and there was an issue in my heart. He told me if I want a kind of sweet food that he likes to eat and he is with his friends eating it now. I just sent him a funny sticker, but it was something cute from him, something I missed it from him. He came back home that night, and it was the 1st time for him to come to my room after two weeks, he used to come to my room to say funny stupid things, but since what happened between us he didn’t. He held my shoulder and asked me where the pain is, and I wasn't able to play it cool, I wanted to but I don’t know I didn’t expect that at all. I told him that there is no pain at that time in my arms, and it was my heart but I’m alright. He said that it looks like I’m in love, I told him that no I'm not and will never be (I felt that my heart was laughing so hard out of sadness that I fall in love yes and I fell out of it hardly recently). And then he told me to love him less, maybe because of the amount of love I have for him I had this heart issue. I have to admit that it was the cutest thing ever I’ve ever heard from my brother. And then when I went downstairs to my mum sitting with her in the dining table, he came and he started to do his stupid things with his hands, he used to pretend that he is doing a massage for my neck but he is choking me actually, I missed that too, my mother was really happy and she said “Your brother loves you” I know he loves me and I know that she was right, and what I know the most is that my brother is back to me, I know he hadn't said the word sorry, but he showed me enough that he is, and actions are always stronger and louder than words. I am happy, I’m happy that at least I got my brother back after what happened to me recently, I know that part of me wants to avoid him to not get into another unsensible argument with him, because my heart hurts when it happens, but I’m happy that we can do our stupid things again and have fun and be sarcastic with each other. I love you S, I always loved you, and I will always do because even after what happened between us, I was praying for you, as usual, every night.

Tomorrow is suppose to be our anniversary, I don’t know if he will remember that, but I wish he will, and I wish he’ll come to say something, If he didn’t, then I’ll have to move on for real this time, I know I told him to don’t ever think of coming back, but it’s because I love him a lot and I don’t want to go through the process of loosing him for the 3rd time. I do love him, and I’ll be more than happy if he asked for one more last chance, I’m ready to give him the 101th chance, he is special and he’ll always be special in my heart. Please come back.