#myhbb

Lena woke up feeling as if that last image of Kara’s smile had been burned into her retinas. The dream, memory, ends in the same place it always does, the moment before the realization of what she had just witnessed sinks in. Lena wakes with soul crushing despair settling deep in her chest so that her breath in a new day is little more than a broken sob. It takes a few minutes for Lena to gather herself enough to climb out of bed and reach for her phone. The move is calculated. Lena knows that if she had reached for her phone first, she wouldn’t have gotten out of bed. 

Every other day, Lena had been able to push herself through it. She could almost pretend that everything was normal, until she caught herself trying to call Kara and invite her to lunch. Even after two weeks, Lena’s first instinct was still to call Kara. The hope that maybe the dream had been a nightmare rather than a memory and Kara would answer when she called had been all that kept Lena going for the past 14 days. 

The day of Kara’s funeral had pulled that hope to a crashing halt. 

There had been a service for Supergirl the day before. It felt like all of National City had been there, human and alien alike. All the heroes that Kara had worked with over the years were there, a few of them people that Lena had only met briefly before the wave of dark matter destroyed all of their worlds. The Flash had a few words to say. Cat Grant had barely held her tears in. Superman openly cried as he said goodbye to his last blood relative. Lena had watched it all with a blank expression, Alex’s hand in hers. 

Lena had made her way to Midvale on her own and was one of the last to arrive at Kara’s childhood home. Eliza had greeted her with a hug and a far too knowing look. Lena had slept in Kara’s bed and refused to cry until she was sure that no one would hear her. 

Now, Lena pulled on the dark outfit she had selected the night before and made her way downstairs. Alex and Eliza met her at the bottom of the stairs and led her to where Clark and Lois were standing with J’onn. Eliza pulled Lena into another hug while Lois looked as if she was the only one in the room who could understand Lena’s pain. Everyone was treating Lena like she was Kara’s widow and Lena wasn’t sure she would ever recover from that. 

She had Kara had never been together. They hadn’t gone on dates or celebrated anniversaries. They’d never even kissed and yet Lena still felt like a piece of her heart had been broken beyond repair. She wasn’t Kara’s widow but she was Kara’s someday and that was somehow worse. 

How could Lena mourn what she’d never had in the first place? 

Kara’s funeral had been short. She wouldn’t have wanted all of her friends and family to spend hours crying over her. Kara had been a ray of sunshine, a becon of joy. Although tears were shed, everyone wanted to follow Kara’s wishes so it soon turned to a memorial rather than a funeral. As everyone had been distracted by Alex’s story of the first time Kara saved her, Lena didn’t think anyone would notice when she stepped onto the back patio. She nearly jumped in surprise when a masculine voice called her name. 

“Sorry,” Clark said as he stepped up beside her. Lena hummed her acceptance of the apology but didn’t say a word. 

They stood together in silence for a few minutes. If it had been any other time, Lena might have made a joke about a Super and a Luthor but it didn’t feel right with her Super missing. Eventually, Lena can see Clark’s shoulders sag and knows that the silence is about to be broken. 

“She was always so much stronger than me.” Clark speaks in a low, haunted voice. “I’ll never be able to thank her for righting my worst wrong.” 

There’s a heavy set to his shoulders and a distant glint in his eyes that makes Lena feel foolish for forgetting where all this conflict had started. Lex had killed Kara, but it was Clark that turned Lex into a staunch believer in the superiority of man. It was Clark who faced Lex time and time again. CLark who wasn’t strong enough to deal the blow that would have ended all of this conflict. It was Clark’s weakness that had pushed Kara into that position, and Clark’s cowardice that cost Kara her life. 

The urge to hate Clark for his inaction is strong, so strong it makes Lena’s stomach clench and her hands tremble. It would be all too easy to blame Clark for losing Kara, but Lena knows that it wouldn’t be fair to him. There’s plenty of blame to go around but Clark doesn’t truthfully deserve any of it. Lex does. For targeting Kara and dealing the fatal blow, but most of them blame falls on Lena herself. For her own war against Supergirl, for the experiments that gave Lex his powers, for not being strong enough to defeat him on her own. 

Kara would still be with them if not for Lena’s failures. 

“But there is something I can do for her, if you’re willing to help me.” 

It takes a moment for Lena to realize that Clark’s statement had been a request. She looks at him, blinking in askance. 

“Follow me,” Clark, in a move that Lena would never have expected to come from him, gently took Lena’s hand into his own and guided her down the porch steps towards the beach. Agreeing to Clark’s request that she wait there for a moment, Lena tries to settle her nerves. When Clark returns, Lena knows that there is nothing she could have done to prepare herself. 

Clark touches down gently a few feet away from Lena and in the space between them hovers a sleek, grey pod. The black surface on the outside fades to clear and suddenly Lena can see Kara. 

She looks peaceful in death, Lena thinks, like she finally dropped all the weight she had been carrying for so long. 

“On Krypton, when a woman died,” Clark swallows roughly. “It was tradition for the oldest female member of the House to speak Rao’s blessing over them.” 

Clark meets Lena’s gaze evenly. 

“I know that would be Eliza here, or Alura if she had come, but I also know that Kara would have wanted it to be you.” 

“Clark,” Lena hesitated, “Kal, I don’t know.” 

“I know what you mean to her. Meant.” Even though they had been doing so all day, hearing Kara referred to in the past tense hurt deeply and Lena felt the tears welling for what must have been the thousandth time. 

“Okay,” Lena agreed with a shaky nod. Clark handed her a small piece of paper from his pocket and then turned his gaze to the pod containing Kara’s still form.” 

“Whenever you’re ready.” 

Lena was sure that she would never be ready to say goodbye to Kara but there was no sense in waiting. Voice thick with tears and barely above a whisper, Lena began to read. 

“You have been the sun of our lives. Our prayers will be the sun that lights your way on the journey home. We will remember you in every dawn and await the night we join you in the sky. Rao’s will be done.” 

They stood there for a moment with only the sound of the waves crashing against the beach breaking the still air. Then, with a heavy breath like he was steeling himself for the hardest moment of his life, Clark lifted the casket into the air with him. A moment later, Kara returned to the stars that had brought her home. 

Clark returned to the Danver’s household while Lena remained on the beach by herself. There was a fleeting feeling of Lena wishing she had something to hold on to, a memento of Kara’s. The feeling faded only to be replaced with a much stronger wish to simply have Kara there with her. The feeling was strong that for a moment, Lena felt the soft, familiar warmth of Kara’s hand in her own, their fingers resting together easily. As time stretched on, Lena let herself be lost in the phantom feeling of what could have been, until the sound of a car door closing shattered the dream and brought Lena crashing back to reality. 

A reality where Kara was gone. 

Suddenly, the beach felt just as stifling as the house had been. 

Realizing that her moment with the ghost of Kara’s memory was over, Lena turned to make her way back to the house. 

Only Kara’s closest friends remained at the house. Clark, Lois, and Lucy were sitting together on the couch, the two normally argumentative sisters silent in their grief. Barry and Iris were curled together in a chair, Barry staring blankly ahead as Iris watched him in concern. Caitlin and Cisco sat together on the floor in front of Barry and Iris, their shoulders pressed together. Ava sat in the other chair with Sara leaning against her legs, her fingers idly wrapping a strand of Sara’s hair around and around. The other Legends must have gone back to the Waverider. Alex and Eliza sat together on the loveseat and made room between them for Lena. 

It was odd, Lena decided as she took the seat provided for her, to be surrounded by so many heroic figures and not feel even the smallest amount of hope. The Kara shaped whole in the arrangement could not be ignored. No one said a word as Lena sat down and the silence was no less disturbing the longer it went on. 

“It doesn’t seem right,” Cisco broke the silence with a sad voice. “The most powerful person we know.” 

“The bravest and most caring, too,” Barry added just as softly. “She didn’t even ask for help.” 

“You were all busy,” Alex shrugged slightly but Lena could see the tension in her jaw. “You all had your own villains to face and lives to live. She wouldn’t have disrupted that.” 

“She wouldn’t put all of you in danger like that.” Lena’s voice was hoarse from disuse. Not counting her blessing of Kara at the beach, that was the longest sentence Lena had said in two weeks. 

“I did, with the Dominators and Crisis,” Barry’s expression shone with guilt. “She answered every time.” 

“She was like Oliver,” Sara said, leaning further into Ava as she spoke. “More of a hero than any of us will ever be.” 

“All these powers, even time travel, and we still can’t save everyone.” Iris sighed and dropped her head onto Barry’s shoulder. Barry pressed a kiss against his wife’s forehead. 

“We would if we could.” Barry said. “I’d go back in a second if we didn’t have to worry about another Flashpoint. An event like this is too big to go back and change.” 

“Flashpoint?” Lena asked curiously. Alex looked at her with the smallest bit of surprise and a hint of question in her eyes. 

“One of the first times I travelled back in time on purpose, to save my mom. I ended up changing everything,” Barry explained. 

With everyone reluctant to leave, it took little prodding to get Barry to continue elaborating. A conversation about the difficulty of preserving the timeline arose between the members of team Flash and the two remaining Legends in the room. Lena listened with half an ear but her mind was stuck on the comment that had started this conversation. 

It didn’t feel right without Kara in the room, not only in the sense that Lena personally felt as though she was missing an essential part of her being, but in the sense that something about all of this was fundamentally wrong. The only thing about Kara’s conflict with Lex was that Lex was gone. It doesn’t make sense for him to have taken Kara out with him, especially not without Kryptonite. Lena remembered the final blow in sharp detail. The beam that had exhausted Kara was golden, not green. 

A comment about the natural order of time caught Lena’s attention and she pondered the implications of it. The natural order of time ensured that everyone was at the correct time and place, whenever that happened to be in the linear timeline of their own lives. Barry and the Legends are able to move through time as long as they don’t disrupt the natural time. There were few rules for time travel, but the most important was that one could not be in the exact same place and time as they had been before. A person cannot physically be in one specific time and place more than once. 

Knowing that Jess would do as Lena requested, the CEO made her way into her office. As the door swung closed behind her, Lena was accosted by her memories. 

There isn’t a part of Lena’s office that doesn’t have a memory of Kara attached to it. Not the couch, where they had shared countless lunches and even a few dinners when Kara joined Lena for her nights working late in the office for no other reason than she wanted to keep Lena company. Many heartfelt conversations had happened on that couch and there had been more than one occasion where Lena was only a breath away from confessing her feelings to Kara only for someone to come in and interrupt them. The desk held similar memories but most of those were more oriented to the work that Lena and Kara would do together. Sometimes it was Kara interviewing Lena for an article, sometimes it was Lena using Kara as a sounding board as she worked through some issue with her latest projects, and sometimes it was both of them doing their own work as they shared Lena’s desk space. 

Standing just inside her office door, Lena let the memories wash over her. For a moment Lena considered reaching for her phone to call Kara and invited her to lunch. Then Lena remembered that she and Kara hadn’t even met yet in this time. It felt exceedingly weird to think that that person Lena loved most in any world was now no more than a stranger to her. 

Shaking her head to pull herself out of her memories, Lena continued on her journey to her desk. She put her purse, and thus the notebook contained therein, in the secured drawer of her desk before settling in to review the incident report. If all went as it had gone before, the next time Lena stepped into her office, it would be in the company of her favorite Kryptonian. With the reassurance that she was only hours away from seeing Kara again, alive and well, Lena left her office to begin her day in earnest. 

Dealing with the incident report and reassuring the technician that they would not be losing their position at L-Corp took up the majority of Lena’s morning. She missed the beginning of the coverage on the Venture launch but tuned in time to see the explosion. Just as she had done that morning, Lena couldn’t help but stare in awe as Kara, Supergirl, swooped in to save the day with the help of Superman. Lena knew intellectually that her mission to travel to the past was a success, she had ample proof of that all around her, but she wouldn’t truly believe that Kara was alright until she saw her in person. 

Which, if Lena remembered correctly, would happen in the next half hour. 

Lena lingered in Lab C for long enough to ensure that the incident report was filed properly and then to help ensure that the technicians involved were back on track with the work they had been doing before she made her way back to her office. Thankfully alone in the elevator, Lena used the time travelling between floors to prepare herself for seeing Kara for the first time. She knows that she won’t be able to completely temper her reaction but as long as she can keep herself from acting like a blind woman seeing the sun for the first time, she figured she would be able to muddle through. 

The elevator door opened with a soft ping and Lena stepped out. Her gaze immediately landed on the cardigan clad form of the woman she loved. Kara stood next to the strong, sure form of Clark Kent. A contrast to Clark’s easy confidence, Kara nervously played with the metal rings that bound her notebook together. Lena’s heart clenched painfully in her chest at the sight of Kara and it took every ounce of her will to keep herself from throwing her arms around Kara never letting go. 

“To what do I owe the pleasure, Mr. Kent?” With her expression schooled into a carefully neutral yet welcoming smile, Lena stepped the two guests in her office. She caught a whiff of Kara’s perfume as she passed and the familiar scent almost had Lena falling to her knees. Resolutely, she walked on with the two Kryptonians following behind her. 

“Ms. Luthor,” Clark greeted her kindly, though Lena could tell his smile was a bit forced. “We just had a few questions for you about this morning.” 

“The explosion on the Venture, you mean,” Lena poured herself a glass of water from the tumbler on her sidebar. She kept herself from looking at Kara by keeping her back turned to her until she was once again sitting behind her desk. Although she was speaking to Clark, Kara had commanded most of Lena’s attention. “You wouldn’t be asking me about this if my last name was Smith.” 

“But it’s not. It’s Luthor.” Clark’s eyes are somewhat cold as his gaze stays fixed firmly on Lena. Lena spares another glance in Kara’s direction and finds her fiddling with her glasses. Lena conceals a fond smile at the familiar sight. 

“Some steel under that Kansas wheat,” Lena says wryly. “Why don’t you ask me what you really came here to ask?” 

“Why weren’t you on the Venture this morning?” The question was one that Lena would have expected even if she wasn’t having the same conversation for the second time. She sat back against her chair and crossed her legs. 

“There was an accident in one of my labs. You can check the report yourself.” 

“I don’t think that’s necessary.” Kara spoke up for the first time. Lena couldn’t help the way her heartbeat increased at the sound and she wondered if Kara noticed. There was a barely noticeable tilt to Kara’s head and her brow was just barely pinched together, not quite enough for Lena to see the infamous crinkle but enough for her to know that Kara was concentrating on something. Lena fought off another smile at the familiar sight and the burst of warmth that flooded her being. Once again, right from the start, Kara was already jumping to her defense. 

“And you are?” Lena fought to keep her tone even but curious. 

“Kara Danvers,” Kara introduced herself. “I’m with CatCo.” 

“I didn’t think CatCo was known for their hard hitting journalism.” A flush covered Kara’s cheeks as she mumbled an excuse. Lena indulged herself in her the sight for a moment before speaking again before she could do something idiotic, like kiss Kara right then and there. “I came to National City for a fresh start, for me and my company.” 

“You’ll forgive me if I have trouble believing that.” There was that hint of steel in Clark’s voice again. Lena bristled slightly at the tone but refused to let the tension seep into her shoulders. She knew when she started this that she would have to win everyone’s trust again, not just Kara’s, but god she wished the process could be a little faster. 

“I’m just a woman trying to make a name for herself outside of her family.” Lena spoke imploringly.”Can’t you understand that?” 

“Yeah,” Kara’s agreement was followed by a soft smile. It wasn’t Lena’s smile yet, not the one full of unspoken promises, but it was perhaps the beginning of that. 

“Alright then,” Clark said after a moment in which Lena realized she had simply been staring at Kara. “Thank you for your time, Ms. Luthor.” 

“Always a pleasure, Mr. Kent.” Without conscious effort, Lena’s gaze softened as she looked at Kara. “Ms. Danvers.” 

Both Krytponians heard the clear dismissal in Lena’s tone and began to make their way out of her office. Clark walked back to the elevator without pause but Kara hesitated in the doorway. Lena realized that Kara was still there and looked up from the paperwork she had turned her attention to. Their gazes met across the empty space of Lena’s office and, just for a second, Lena felt as though she was looking at her Kara. The Kara who knew all parts of Lena, good and bad, and loved her even so. Kara’s final words to Lena floated through her mind. 

I’m always yours, Lena, even when I’m not.

“Is there something else I can do for you Ms. Danvers?” 

“No, sorry,” Kara blinked twice and looked down to hide the blush coloring her cheeks. “Just...have a good day Ms. Luthor.” 

“You as well, Ms. Danvers.” The smile Lena gave Kara as she bid goodbye was perhaps softer and much more loving that was appropriate for a woman she just met but Lena couldn’t bring herself to worry about that. Kara returned Lena’s smile and then made her way to where her cousin was waiting. 

Once Kara was gone, Lena let herself slump back in her chair with a sound halfway between a laugh and a sob escaping her throat. Lena couldn’t decide if she was more relieved at seeing Kara alive again or if she was more scared that she would fail in the end and all of this would have been for nothing. 

But no, even if Lena did fail, which she was more than sure that she wouldn’t, no time spent with Kara would ever be for nothing. Even if they were only ever friends, Lena would be content as long as Kara was alive to be her friend. She could earn Kara’s friendship back, at least, but could she actually save Kara? Only time would tell and that was the scariest part. 

Because Lena was only sending her consciousness back in time rather than physically travelling there herself, it was simple enough to build the headgear and attach it to the computer that would run the program Lena had designed for the task. Lena had the sense to leave a note addressed to Alex that explained everything that Lena was doing, just in case. She hoped that Alex would never read the note but Lena was too much of a pessimist for that. The fact that she wanted this to work so bad was probably a sign that it wouldn’t work at all. 

Nevertheless, Lena resolved to try. Kara deserved that at the very least. 

After checking the equations for the tenth time, Lena set the date she wanted to travel into the computer and started the algorithm. She settled on the exam table with the headpiece in place. There was no time like the present, after all, and Lena had wasted more than enough time with Kara. She wouldn’t make the same mistake again. 

With her mind focused only on Kara and all the wasted time between them, Lena let her eyes fall closed and the work she had done washed through her being. 

Lena awoke with a splitting headache and groaned into her pillow before her surroundings registered in her mind. Once she realized that was laying on a much more comfortable bed than the examination table in her lab, Lena sat upright in bed. She was in her bedroom, in her apartment in National City, but everything was just slightly off. It was like her apartment hadn’t been lived in yet. 

With a gasp, Lena bolted from her bed, her headache forgotten as she scrambled for her phone to check the date. The model of the phone was enough to let Lena know that she had successfully made it to the past, but she needed to know the date to be sure. Lena could have cried in relief when she finally got her phone on and unlocked but she held the tears in until she was standing in her living room and had turned the television on. There, wearing a sunny smile and her original suit, was Kara. The coverage showed Supergirl stopping a collision between a school bus and semi-truck. 

Lena covered her mouth as a sob escaped her throat. Kara was here, Kara was alive. Lena could save her. Lena did save her. Kara was alive, even if she had no idea who Lena was, she was alive. They had a second chance and this time Lena wasn’t going to waste a moment. 

Making her way to her home office, dimly aware of the way her home seemed so unlived in with the absence of the last five years worth of memorabilia, Lena searched through her desk until she found a simple notebook bound in black leather. The notebook was small enough that Lena would be able to carry it on her person easily, which was good because that was the only way that Lena could be sure the information she put in the notebook was safe. A list of important events that would be happening in the next five years was not something that would be safe as a digital file. Even L-Corp’s servers could, and would, be hacked. Armed with a mechanical pencil and determined not to lose Kara again, Lena began writing. 

The first list was much simpler than the second one that Lena wrote down. First, Lena created a to-do list for herself. Staring with what Lena considered the most important, she wrote:

befriend Kara again

befriend Supergirl 

It seemed silly to list both halves of Kara’s identity as separate entities but Lena had to acknowledge the fact that she was essentially starting from scratch with both Kara and Supergirl. She would need to build a relationship with both versions of the woman she loved separately before she could be let in on Kara’s secret. Selfishly, Lena hoped it wouldn’t take her near as long to prove herself trustworthy again. Leaving complicated thoughts of time travel and relationships to be pondered over later, Lena continued with her list. 

make anti-kryptonite suit

upgrade supersuit

put Lillian away

Deal With Lex

Again, Lena paused for a moment before moving on to other matters. She would have to deal with her equally complicated feelings about her family later. 

build Watchtower

keep Kara alive 

The last item was underlined three times. 

Turning a page in her notebook, Lena began her second list. This one was more of a timeline than a list, a timeline of all the important events that would happen in the near future, from the Daxamite invasion, to Reign’s attack (Lena made a note to bring Sam to National City as soon as possible), to Red Daughter and everything that happened with Lex, to Crisis and Leviathan and finally, to the battle that had resulted in Kara’s death. 

From the rules of time travel that Barry and the Legends followed, Lena knows that there will be some events that she simply cannot change. There will be things that she can’t stop from happening no matter how hard she tries, but she was okay with that. As long as Lena can minimize the damage of those events with her advanced knowledge and, most importantly, as long as she can keep Kara safe, Lena could cope with all the rest. Kara’s death would be the one thing that Lena would change, no matter if the universe wanted her to or not.