#my-tiny-secrets

Yeah! Actually, I think most companies actually encourage their trainees to continue their education (most notably JYP). I guess it really depends on where you live now and if you are willing to attend a college thats outside of your native country.

I do know that idols who have already debuted and get into college after they debut get a lot of criticism since usually, they have gotten some sort of special treatment and netizens feel as if the idol stole the place from someone else that may be more qualified. However, idols that get in to college before they get debuted (and if its a top college) usually get praised for their hard work.

So yes, I’m sure that an entertainment company would allow you to continue college . However, their policy may be different for foreigners as going to a college in your home country may be too far to be feasible.

So dad is in the ER. He's having surgery tomorrow. Mom wanted all of us to visit him, she said he wanted to see us. I didn't believe her. I don't believe that he cares about us as much as mom says he does. I don't think he likes me very much and I would only aggravate him if I visited.

I've friend-zoned Zach. He is such a dorky guy and I like that about him. He's cheesy, funny, smart but I still think it would be best if we remain friends. This is probably the 5th time I've done this through all of my high school career.

Do I refuse to care for someone else because I don't believe they really do care about me? This is just an assumption based on observations I've made but I can't help but feel that it's true. I want a relationship but every time someone shows any emotional interest towards me I stop it before it can really become serious.

Again, this is just me analyzing myself. I'm probably over-analyzing too.

I remember listening to this on the bus every morning on the way to school in freshman year. Looking back on those times almost makes me cry. I remember it as a time of happiness and innocence. I know that sounds stupid because it was only 2, almost 3 years ago, but so much has changed. I have lost so many of the people that I used to call friends, I have become much more cynical, and I've tried so hard to find where I belong.

I feel as if I tried too hard. Like I was, and still am, trying to be something that I'm not. Who am I then? I miss enjoying my pop music and being happy with it. Sure I may not have been proud about it and flaunted it, but I still enjoyed it in private. It was innocent; pure joy. Now, I still enjoy the music I listen to now, but I don't know if it's music that I've chosen for myself, or music that I chose because I wanted to seem cool to music snobs. People like my dad, sister, her friends, the people in school that I looked up to.

I miss being happy. I never realized how sad I am until  now. I may have friends, and I have chosen a path, but I'm not happy with that. It's not the path that I want and I don't want to talk to anyone. I just want to be alone most of the time, but I want to be around people as well? I want to go on adventures but I want to stay away from the world. I don't know what I want and it is confusing me. I always had an idea of what I wanted to do growing up, but now I'm just lost and it terrifies me.

Listening to the Up All Night album is making me cry. I miss my innocence and happiness and I know I'm never going to get it back. I know that I will never be able to forget the tremble in my brother's voice when he warned me about our parents fighting. The bags under my eyes will never disappear, and neither will the pain within my bones. I wish I was a kid again so I could run around again because I can't do that now.

I wish I could start over with what I know now. I could prevent the biggest mistakes of my life and be a physically  healthy person with a somewhat stable mind. I could forget the forget the constant pain like I've forgotten what it's like to not be a prisoner of my own body. Learn what freedom is and use it to my advantage.