#mxmarsblurbs

so impulse is now a member of the “first out” club. which has surprisingly taken me a bit of time to process. but honestly i think it’s fitting, especially given his relationship with jimmy during the special in particular.

and despite what jimmy had done to him over the course of the special, impulse still roots for him from the afterlife, right after he watches jimmy fuss over ransacking his empty home and the house go up in flames. and it just confuses me. how he could want somebody who hurt him so deeply to win instead of him. how could impulse, who is notorious for his grudges and tears, want the person who betrayed him to win?

I think this is because of impulse’s very consistent “all or nothing” mindset. his brain tells him oh, if jimmy was willing to do all this, he better go all the way. there is no nuance anymore. jimmy hurt me, and now he needs to win. if he doesn’t, then impulse will shatter. because he wants that hurt done to him to mean something. he wants his life and his death and his unwilling and unknowing sacrifice to just mean something, anything at all.

he’s grown used to being a stepping stone, he supposes. maybe that’s all he’s good for.

but yeah. jimmy betrayed him. i can’t say i’m really surprised and i don’t think impulse can, either.

and it’s impulse’s reaction to said betrayal that just gets to me. because he’s angry. he’s confused and he’s upset and he’s angry. because jimmy left him to go convince the people anticipating his demise to not hurt him, only to then egg on those same people to kill impulse. and joel’s the one to do it, the same guy who had just taken jimmy back down to red.

and when impulse asks why, why would he hurt him, he’s his teammate and his friend and he’s supposed to care about him— jimmy fumbles around a little bit, then tells him he just wanted to be red together. and you can kinda tell this stirs up very conflicting feelings inside of impulse. because it feels so good to be sought out for like that, but can that reasoning ever justify taking his life when he’s alone and vulnerable? can that justify a cutthroat betrayal? (or rather a “smashed in head” betrayal… y’know… given the mace)

and this is where one of my absolute favorite impulse attributes and flaws shows up. suddenly, all the visible anger is gone, and he’s got this saccharine smile on his face and this dismissive lilt in his voice as he tells jimmy oh. that’s fine. because we’re even now, aren’t we? that’s all that matters. getting even.

not getting even because of anything he did to wrong him, jimmy already killed him once to count towards that. but getting even just… because. because impulse even existing as a yellow name is too unfair. he doesn’t have any right to have more lives than jimmy. he deserves what happened to him solely because jimmy thought they should be red together. a fate not even bdubs had brought upon etho in last life.

and this train of thought is absolutely a byproduct of his time with bdubs and the horrible effect that grudge had on his mental health. because impulse had spent so long trying to get revenge. only to find himself so oddly dissatisfied when he gets it. because it doesn’t change how he feels. it doesn’t fix anything bdubs broke, doesn’t return anything he took away. it leaves him just as empty and discontent as the first time bdubs hurt him. but still, impulse clings to it. he waits for the closure that never comes.

this trait is very constant with impulse now, especially post-limited life. when he’s wronged, even just ever so slightly, he needs to get them back. and he won’t rest until he does, even if it does nothing to ease the weight in his chest. it’s a meaningless thing to chase and he knows it.

this also extends to how he justifies the awful things done to him after he’s wronged somebody else. even if it hurts so agonizingly bad, he convinces himself that it’s okay, because the other party got revenge. they deserved to get revenge, and impulse deserved to be the one to give it to them. because that’s the only way to make things fair, right? to hurt. to die.

it’s a viscous cycle of bitterness towards both himself and others that he’s fallen into and he cannot for the life of him claw his way out. literally.

back to jimmy and the betrayal and onto impulse’s permadeath, i have reasoning for thinking jimmy’s claimed motive for betraying impulse was not very genuine. mainly because the second impulse is dead, jimmy doesn’t mourn him.

no, jimmy laughs. jimmy ransacks impulse’s abandoned home and complains loudly when he finds nothing worthy of stealing. and impulse’s ghost can do nothing but listen and watch the whole offensive ordeal as his house goes up in flames. as jimmy walks away like nothing happened. like impulse himself was nothing.

it just makes my heart hurt, thinking about how much impulse wanted jimmy to succeed. how much he wanted to be by his side when he did so. how he never failed to tell jimmy he wanted the best for him and nothing but the best.

i’m very excited to see this all from jimmy’s pov to really gauge if it’s genuinely this bad or if that’s just the impression given off in impulse’s video. but all i will say is i will not be at all surprised if it’s just as bad, if not worse.

moving on from jimpulse for a bit, though, clock duo genuinely have me losing my mind. we are so freaking back.

bdubs makes impulse worse. they arguably make each other worse sometimes. and they are both aware of this.

and one of the scenes that really solidified this in my mind was impulse wondering if killing someone on the nice list would warrant any consequence. and he assumes it would, and an ugly one at that. bdubs explains how he is wondering the same thing. so they decide, hm… maybe we’ll try it. maybe.

neither of them do, despite any coaxing from the other. in fact, bdubs goes to talk to the nice names himself as impulse stands back and watches from afar. and it’s so simple and likely so unintentional, but bdubs just staring at him from that group genuinely sent chills down my spine.

i like to think they made eye contact. and i like to think it spurred some thoughts in impulse’s head, especially after all the violent ones he’d been having and would continue to have.

i like to think he thinks bdubs makes him feel better about himself and his own misdeeds. because bdubs is the bottom of the barrel, at least in impulse’s mind, despite its many desperate attempts to redeem him. to him, bdubs is bad bad. the worst of the worst. rotten.

so maybe it scares him, when he starts agreeing with bdubs. when he starts using him to justify his own urges and actions. when he starts to see bits of himself in the person who ruined him and has ruined so many others.

and sure, there are instances when they differ quite starkly. like impulse is often able to apologize and find ways to make up for his wrongs, whereas bdubs will deny and ignore, sometimes even rub his despicable actions in the face of whoever he’s hurt and revel in the way it makes them squirm.

but that doesn’t justify impulse’s unjust behavior whenever it does happen. just because he’s not as bad doesn’t mean he’s not bad at all. but that’s still a lesson he’s learning, because once again, impulse is stuck in that all or nothing mindset, that black and white thinking. to him, to be bad is to be like bdubs, and impulse is not bdubs.

another scene where this “making each other worse” trend appears again is when impulse is angry and hungry, and bdubs tells him to be sassy, be mean, go kill joel’s cows! he hurt you, right? go hurt him. go on, do it.

and impulse tries. he marches over there and gets ready to slaughter, and in turn, gets ready to flee if joel retaliates, because he’s assuming he will. but joel doesn’t. instead, joel says it’s fine, he can kill some, just leave two. he doesn’t really mind, especially if impulse needs the food.

and this makes impulse’s angry thoughts come to a screeching halt, just like they did towards the beginning of the session with scott. because when impulse is shown even a sliver of kindness, he begins to question what he was even mad about in the first place. he begins to second guess all that he’s feeling. he begins to falter until he walks away, defeated and ashamed.

impulse tells bdubs he couldn’t do it. he’s not built for stuff like that. he’s too nice. and bdubs simply agrees, because he is. they both know he is. they both know impulse doesn’t have it in him, for better or for worse.

and this isn’t a nice life specific thing. this is present in all of his seasons at one point or another, and even gets vocalized the same way it was in this episode. impulse knows he doesn’t have the guts to do stuff like that, and so does the entire rest of the server. maybe that’s why they act so shocked and offended whenever he steps out of line (this is exactly why).

then i think about how there’s only a couple minutes left of the video, and skizz and bdubs want to go to the nether, and impulse is given a choice. go or stay.

it should’ve been simple. he didn’t need to go to the nether at all. nothing he needed or wanted was in there, and he’s on red, he needs to keep himself as safe as possible. and the nether, as many know, is not safe. not safe at all.

and he nearly abstains from going. but then bdubs eggs him on. tells him to come along, c’mon, it’ll be fun. and with his best friend and ex soulmate urging him to join them, what else can impulse really do? he’s always been weak like that. especially for bdubs.

he dies in there. he falls, and nobody is there to catch him. not skizz. not bdubs. not jimmy. impulse hits the cold, hard snow and dies, alone and terrified.

and he can’t even be surprised or upset or anything, because he saw it coming from a mile away. and yet he still went in. he still listened to bdubs. he still got worse.

him and bdubs do have a pretty cute moment as ghosts, though (bdubs having died very soon after impulse, as soulmates do). and it obviously reminds me of the one they shared in double life, after they had died together. after bdubs had killed him.

this time, there’s no awkwardness, no tension, no tired and longing gazes fixed on a pool that never turned green and a death message neither of them can really accept. instead, they find some solace in being dead together. there’s no malice to be had between them like there used to be back then. because bdubs didn’t betray him this time. for once, bdubs was good. not perfect, but good.

i think it was a nice way to end off what was such a gruesome and violent special for impulse. dude killed like four people! wow! good for his ego! …but also bad for his mental health. poor guy.

all and all, i am just so insane over nice life, all two episodes of it. i told you all that jimpulse was one-sided! I TOLD YOU!!!

(i could’ve also probably gone into how impulse lived and died like a dog, but i won’t get into that right now. mainly because i’m not prepared for any reblogs or comments about the whole “rough rough” and “good boy” bits /j. but i might yap about it in a future post!)

hopefully impulse takes his mood stabilizers next season and maybe learns some self regulating skills. heck, he can tag along with me to my next dbt session. i think it’ll do him some good.