#murder hobos

"I didn't ask how big the room was, I didn't ask who was in range, I said: I cast fireball!" Alright. Now roll for fire damage, my Willy Wonka Wizard.

"I backflip off the wall, triple somersault over the guards, and steal the key." Good, how do you plan on landing without alerting the guards?

You remember that dragon you seduced a while back and then just left with no remorse? She wants child support.

You know how you pillaged an entire town and then just left with no infrastructure? Your pet goblin that swore revenge on a barrelling bazooka of bastardous baddies was talking about you guys.

Murder be thy name, out, out

Murder be thy name

In the Academy, aspiring Ninjas are told to fill out a "Death Notebook", full of ways they would un-alive someone and get away with it, something that will be a non-zero part of their job. With points being assigned for...

1) number of methods.

2) creativity / uniqueness (methods their classmates don't have, to prevent sharing).

3) biological accuracy / anatomical possibility (would it work).

4) illustrations.

5) Etc...

And I like to think that Sasuke AND Hinata would have, individually, more FULL notebooks than the rest of their class, other than each other, COMBINED!*

*think "1000 Ways to Die!" Kind of numbers.

Sasuke because of his hate for Itachi, and Hinata because I like to think that she HATES Sakura.

Why?

She/Hinata grew up hated and or belittled by her whole family, other than her sister, and was physically bullied by non family who assumed she was a bitch.

Naruto was the first person outside her family to give a shit about her, he was her crush and he liked Sakura, who would constantly abuse him. Verbally, physically, probably everyday, and in front of people...such as Hinata in class.

OF COURSE SHE WOULD HATE HER.

It's not farfetched to think anyone raised in a Ninja Clan, would be raised to consider killing someone who they hate, as being normal/common & Hinata grew up in the most Ninja of Ninja Clans in the original village of Ninjas!

The only reasons she probably never did is because...

1) Sakura was at the top of the class and she/Hinata had low self esteem, so she probably wouldn't try anything until she could surpass Sakura in class ranking.

2) the HOPE that Sakura might like Naruto back one day is one of the few things that made him happy as a child and Hinata wouldn't want to take that away from him because he had so few things that made him happy as a child.

3) Sakura became an apprentice to Tsunade, so that probably increased any risk of being caught should she/Hinata try something, to say nothing of Sakura's, up until then nonexistent, ability to defend herself.

4) After she/Hinata got together with Naruto, she WANTED to RUB IT IN. She got her happy ending in "The Last: Naruto the movie" and WANTED Sakura to live a long life having "Naruto x Hinata" being shoved in her "boyfriend-less / loveless marriage (because Sasuke is probably too childhood traumatized to actually love someone)" having face!

By Dakota Krout

Cooking with Disaster

Volume 1

The world as we knew it is gone. Food and water are poison. Learn the new rules, or die trying.

Eli ‘Nacho’ Naches is a fearsome assassin who has lost everything in a post-apocalyptic world full of monstrous creatures. He knows where he fits in this horror-show, and he’s only been hanging around to see what’s going to be thrown at him next. When he’s finally put in chains and sent to the chopping block, he goes readily… only to be unexpectedly sent back in time to his younger body with his memories intact, and the chance to make a difference.

But Nacho isn’t interested in saving the world. He just needs to save the people that matter to him, and give them a chance to survive in a world where everything but the air itself is poison. Knowing that all their lives are on the line, Nacho the battle-scarred killer needs to get his college-age friends to listen to him, plan their builds, and secure a safe location to bunker down. Obviously, each of those goals is an Epic quest all on its own.

Welcome to the Juxtaposition. May Your Future Be Delicious.

My Favorite Quotes from the first book.

1. "There's a lot I'm not telling you. Some of it is ... disturbing. "

Nacho wasn't looking forward to talking about the world's eventual food sorce. Extolling the virtues of cannibalism was always so awkward.

2. Once they were safe, he could try cooking Gumdrop Grubs

With a name like that, they wouldn't taste too terrible, would they?

3. Hey, Cook Boy! You're not just cooking, you're cooking with love. Give your favorite murder-machine mate motivation to be murdering. I'm sure you'll be proud when your dear friends go on a killing rampage with a belly full of your cooking magic.

4. Cannibalism always made for very distasteful conversation.

5. "We know you, Nacho. We know you have this side to you... because of -how do I put this nicely as possible...? We had always voted on you as the person most likely to eat another person. Be happy our old year books got left in the old world."

6. The past has teeth, and it'll go for the throat every time.

7. The future is far hungrier. It eats the very seconds of our lives.

8. Also your overworking your biscuit dough. If you'd been born in Mississippi you would've known that.

9. Oh, you know, fall into a rut and then decorate it instead of getting out and away. A picture here, a throe rug there, 'oh, sweetheart, should we decoupage the furniture '?

Kronos turned and glared at the cook. "The answer is always no. Don't decoupage anything. Ever "

7. "Let's keep it that way." Nacho hummed softly as he scrubbed. "Losing you two.... made me a much worse person."

8. Hey, Player, it's Active Combat time! Wow. You are a treacherous chef, aren't you? Guy doesn't want to eat your wings, so you stab him in the neck? Good luck with your mellow murder!

9. The stories of you pesky humans, Earth in particular, make us old weary beings optimistic. If there's one utterly precious commodity in the universe, it's hope.

10. Listen, Kala, human beings are good at two things: adapting to circumstances, and coming together to survive. That's our real magical ability: to tell each other stories that draw us together, because we are much stronger together than we are apart. Yes, there will be growing pains, but the more people we gather, the stronger we'll become.