Because, in the end, that’s really all I want. 

That’s all I’ve wanted for a very long time now. As far back as I can remember, really. And it seems that every time I try to let myself trust people, I get fucked in the ass.

I’ve been using RPing as a means to try and connect with others for years now. Maybe it’s just I’m a naive moron and see it differently than others do. I see it as building stories, characters, worlds between myself and another, getting to know each other through how our words, perspectives and attitudes play off each other, and maybe even become friends.

But no matter how hard I try to fight it, it’s never mutual. Unless I’m serving as an active source of entertainment or wish-fulfillment, nobody wants anything to do with me. I’m not a person, I’m just fingers at a keyboard to play a muse to satisfy their wants. 

There is literally only one or two people in this community as thus I know I can trust on some level. One of them actually goes out of his way to shoot me a message pretty regularly. I don’t give him enough credit, tbh.

I’m just...so tired.

I’m so exhausted with trying to put myself out there, only to be met with dead silence until I vanish from the room and everybody begins talking again, or shut down outright. It’s happened with such frequency now that I’m almost convinced that, every time I try to initiate something, someone is talking to someone about it behind my back. 

Needlessly paranoid? Of course it is; it borders on insanity. But that should give you people a clue as to what kind of position I’m in, the kind of mindset I live with every day.

Nobody gives a fuck if they’ve hurt you in some way, even if you tell them.  Because nobody here’s a real human being, right? It’s just a username that gives you your fucking yuri and then holds no further value.

I’m just so tired of hurting inside all the time. And I’m tired of letting myself be hurt further by extending trust to others.  Yet at the same time, I can’t let myself grow callous and unfeeling. I’ve promised myself I would never allow myself to become desensitized.

And the absolute worst of it is, I have no one I can confide in.  Do you know how maddening that is? To be so distraught so frequently, making regular attempts to reach out to others, having fearful negativity spiral inside and having nowhere to let it out?

Even this venting post is a gamble, because I guaran-fucking-tee someone is going to look at this and take an attitude of “How DARE you claim someone is doing bad things, I-I’M NOT A BAD PERSON, VAGUEPOSTING, VAGUEPOSTING” or some other defensive, projecting horseshit, and then I’ll have to deal with trouble for no other reason than I just can’t keep it all inside at this point.