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There are so many things I wish I knew, or I wish I could tell my past self about breastfeeding. One of them being - it does get easier. First of all, let me just say, that the choice of how you’re going to feed your child, belongs to you and you only. Nobody should ever feel entitled to an opinion and put pressure on an expecting mother, as to whether their child should be breastfed or formula fed. I was formula fed, although my mum wanted to breastfeed, and I am almost totally fine. Almost, because we all know I’m not quite right in the head, but that’s not my mum’s fault. That’s my bad attempt at joking, let’s move on! 20 odd years ago, in Poland, midwives might have not known that in fact, I had tongue tie. I know a lot of mums who couldn’t breastfeed, or simply chose not to, and guess what? That’s absolutely fine. We are super lucky, to live in a world where formula milk is so closely designed to resemble breast milk and provide the baby with nutrients they need. Breast milk is designed especially for your baby. From vitamins and antibodies, to the amount we produce. If Theia was to get poorly, my milk will adjust to her needs. It’s absolutely stunning and mind boggling, what we can do, isn’t it?

I didn’t give it much thought at the beginning, it was more of a ‘if it happens, it happens’ approach. I quit smoking as I found out I was pregnant. I couldn’t bear the thought of doing that to my baby. It meant, that I should definitely try breastfeeding, if I can. Research shows, that even if you cannot quit, you should still breastfeed your child, because it counteracts some effects of cigarette smoke on the baby's lungs and you are still able to pass on the benefits of breast milk. Is it frowned upon? Yes. It has also been proven to reduce milk production and cause poor lactation management.

When Theia was born, she was a hungry one, I tell you now. I tried, but I had no idea how to make her latch on. A midwife said ‘stop putting your nipple in her mouth’, what am I supposed to put in then, my bloody foot? It wasn’t until the midwife who cared for me during the night and was there at birth, came back from her break and helped me express some colostrum. She did it with a syringe, and as intimate that moment was, she made me feel confident that my baby was about to be fed and that I can in fact breastfeed. What a beautiful woman, who gave me courage and incredible amount of care at the time when I needed it the most. She gave me a few ideas as to how position myself, I mean I was post c-section, and Theia latched on for the first time, moments later. She was perfect. The entire stay in the hospital, I had no help whatsoever, as everybody who met us, was confident that we were doing a fantastic job. We went home and it certainly was not as easy as I imagined.

I wish somebody told me, that it was okay to sleep with my baby next to me. I was so fixated on the idea of no co sleeping because of SIDS. Every parents most dreaded scenario. It wasn’t until I saw the health visitor, who introduced me to safe co sleeping, that I started feeding Theia to sleep and throughout the night, in bed. First few days, I cried when I had to wake up, pick her up, feed her sitting up. I had awful pain in my shoulder, a spinal headache and I felt like I was having a c-section without anaesthetic, due to my wound being so fresh. It ended up slightly bursting as I caused trauma to it. Also, many times I fell asleep and woke up hating myself for putting her at risk. It put a lot of distress and unnecessary pressure on me, during the most beautiful time of my life.

I wish I could tell myself then, that Theia will put weight on. For the first three weeks, she took her sweet time to put her birth weight back on. Although, nobody told me I had to do formula top ups, or I should stop breastfeeding, I obsessed over it, as I felt like my milk just wasn’t good enough. It’s always good enough, mum. Don’t ever feel like you’re not good enough for your baby, as in their early days, they only care for you, more than you’ll ever know. Also, remember, that it is okay to ask for help, have a midwife or lactation consultant check your latch. Do go to those breastfeeding groups, do meet the mums who struggle just as much as you. Help is there, and it is free, all you have to do is ask.

I wish I knew, how OK it is to breastfeed in public. I do it all the time. Not in your face kind of way, but I don’t cover myself up completely, like I did at the start. I make sure that I am comfortable and so is my baby. On what planet, does anyone think that if a baby is hungry, it should not be fed? I will feed my baby even if we go to Mars. I remember when on day 5 of Theia’s life, we had to go to A&E gone midnight, because I was bleeding from my wound. Theia screamed her head off, she was hungry, I was stressed out and felt borderline broken. We spent hours there. I was leaking milk all over the show. I started feeding her in the waiting room, but everything was so new, I looked super clumsy doing it,I struggled to cover up, as well as Theia refused to latch on. I was kindly taken to a private room by the nurse, as she told me she totally knows how I feel and how nerve wracking the whole thing is. I never felt more thankful. I was terribly paranoid that somebody will approach me and tell me to stop. I will never allow the society to pressure me to express and take a bottle out with me, because certain people just cannot deal with a bit of flesh on show. I’ve been lucky not to receive any negative comments, but I am ready if that day comes.

I would certainly tell myself, that just like anybody, babies do eat more or less, depending on how they feel. First few days, I didn't know that you should breastfeed on demand, so I tried setting up a routine and worried sick, when she just constantly wanted to be fed. You cannot spoil a baby with milk, especially in the first weeks. Often, she used me as her personalised pacifier, and that's okay. She needed me more than anything in the world. I wish I was wholeheartedly there for her, instead of constantly worrying and stressing that there's something wrong with me or her. Hundreds of times, I was convinced I just didn't have enough milk, because she wanted to feed and feed and then feed some more. Usually during a growth spurt or a leap. Although, I know that now, even for the last three days I worried as Theia ate less. Today, she certainly ate enough for both of the previous days. Just got to take each day as it comes.

Although, my knowledge and experience barely skims the surface of what there is to know, those are some of the things life has taught me. I hope that I can forever pass on my knowledge and help somebody on their crazy ride, that motherhood provides. I will feed my babygirl as long as my body allows me to and as long as she wants to be fed. Don’t forget - fed is best. As long as you are happy, your baby will be too.

Yours truly,

Miss Sawczuk 🎀