#mudphud

seems like I’m gonna be a physician scientist!

As much as the retreat was a time of enjoyable professional development (a glorified frat party designed to bring the MSTP class closer together, which is useful professionally, with bits and pieces of career development and practice science talks thrown in), it also gave me plenty to think about as well - both about myself and about who I want to be.

On one hand, the more I listened to upper grad phase students give talks about their research, the more I started to doubt whether I want to do chemistry PhD. I loved the project I did in undergrad. It has its bad days, but in the end, I like it. But th emore I listen in on other people's projects, the more I began to wonder whether or not my enjoyment of my chemical biology resaerch project was simply because, as a chem major at the time, I was comfortable with pursuing those kinds of research projects, and not necessarily because those are the projects and questions I want to pursue. The more i thought about it, the more that appeared to be true. i don't want to do pure drug development or sensor development. While I find those questions important and interesting, it is not what I would want to pair with my own practice as a physician decades down the line.

Up until then, I wanted to go into MD/PhD to pursue chemical biology research projects. It felt so certain, so the point where my fears and worries weren't over not having a purpose, but over the fact that I would not accomplish my goals well (the doing things well part has abated the more I do research in a grad student capacity, and I realize that I can do this). Of course, in the wake of this newfound doubt, all of a sudden, what had felt so concrete was now hanging by a thread. All of a sudden, there wasn't a clearcut definition of what I wil do, only a hazy cloud of possibilities, limited mostly by what I know what I don't want to do  - I don't want to do pure chemistry, and BME and structural biology are straight out; basic molecular biology or microbiology is a little iffy, but I'm not entirely opposed if there is a clear-cut clinical connection Even those were not particularly stalwart barriers.

I know that, whatever this certainty, there are people whose jobs are to help me figure out what i want to do, and that with their help, I will find what I want to do with my life (more and more I am beginning to appreciate counselors and support staff. They are great at making me feel better). Working together, we will find a lab that gets along with the MSTP and would be good to help me achieve what i want out of my career (maybe not necessarily what MSTP wants for me, but w/e). It's a relief to remember those resources and support that the program provides.

Nevertheless, this doubt has been terrifying, more because, for the first time in my life, the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel is not clear and not illuminating the sometimes arduous steps I need to take in order to reach the light. Instead, this light is murky and constantly shifting. The good thing about an MD/PhD program is that it prepares you for a wide variety of different careers that you want to pursue. It is also the bad thing about the program when you are not certain of what you want. There are so many things I could do with a dual degree, but obviously, not all are the best choices for me. I do not yet have the foresight, maturity, and experience to make the best choice for me. Knowing which degree program and what kind of projects I will pursue are all vital parts towards that choice of a career, and vice versa. I feel that knowing what is at the end of the tunnel is vital to my success as an MD/PhD regardless of what is best for me. Herein lies the source of my fears and worries.

I am a Slytherin. Maybe I have Ravenclaw tendencies as a child, but the Slytherinnes has since been strongly nurtured by myself and by my parents as I grew up. And as a Slytherin, I know I have (no always health amounts of) ambition. For me, contentment is being able to know what my goals - long term, short term, big, and small - are, and to know the necessary steps I must take to achieve those goals. It is what I have had for all of my life - in high school, I knew I had to get into a good college and I knew what I had to do to get there; in college, I knew I wanted to go to a med/mdphd program and I knew what I had to do to get there. It has made me who I am, and it has given me the academic success that comprises a non-negligible portion of my self-worth and self-esteem. Now, my ability to set those goals were tossed into the frey. Things that were certain and easy weren't so clear cut anymore, and I can't set goals and define necessary steps to help me succeed the way. I have all this ambition and drive and nothing but a goal teetering on a precarious cliff to use it on. It's terrifying to realize how undefined my future is. Even when knowing that I have the resources to make things work out for the best and the safety net to know that i can always change if I make the wrong choice at first, there is something that feels inherently wrong, like kicking a puppy, to not already know what i want. And that feeling of wrongness is like I lost a part of who I am, and that is scary.

Really, the only thing assuaging my fears right now is just knowing that my current plan is for a medical residency after my MD/PhD training, and I have a basic idea of what I need to get there - good board scores, a few papers, etc. Even then, that is uncertain. I don't know what will make it better, but I only hope that things will get better as i work with the support staff in my degree program to figure out what is best for me. Hopefully, things will work out for the best.

So apparently, my program has been around for more than half a century, which is a really long time for an MD/PhD program. I’m both excited and terrified to death to be entering big name institution. I want to live up to the name and fame and reputation of the university for producing successful and intelligent physician scientist, and I am so humbled that I will have this opportunity to be in their midst of the people that my school’s program has produced. 

writing that FUCKING RO1. I shit you not. We were working from 7 pm to 6 am, when I finally passed out. It's still not done. I'm sick of it. Thank god this is like... the last thing we have to write for it before study section.