Matthew & Lucie: "Bas les masques pour un soir"
Disclaimer: Chain of Iron Chapter 20, where Matthew and Lucie are in the carriage together and basically miss a great opportunity to tell each other what's going on in their lives. I thought I should fix that. Also, I was starving for new content about these two because that's simply how the last couple of years have been going for me. So I decided to write something myself. It's pretty much platonic – or is it? Hehe. Hope you enjoy this! I also posted this on AO3. I'll leave my profile here, if you want to check out my other OS and stay tuned for new ones! https://archiveofourown.org/users/thelastwriter/ Enjoy and maybe let me know what you think, I appreciate it a lot!
James and Matthew were parabatai, and Cordelia and Lucie were meant to become parabatai as well. Yet it seemed to Lucie that none of them were being honest with each other.
Lucie had just come clean with Matthew about her real intentions for their destination. Matthew, as usual, had only responded with a tired, affectionate look. Why would he say that he didn’t deserve James’ love? What was tormenting him to the point that he even refused to talk about it?
She had listened to him venting throughout the whole carriage ride, without interrupting him a single time. And yet... she felt so useless, so powerless in front of his undeniable pain. She had never stopped worrying about him, and she was tired to just stand there and watch how everyone else just kept avoiding the topic. James seemed to be ignoring it, Cordelia felt miles away from her and looked like she had her own burden of secrets... Lucie herself hadn’t been so open and honest with them lately– on the contrary, she probably was the one who was keeping more things from her friends and family.
But the more she looked at her friend Matthew, the more her heart ached. Sometimes she just wanted to take him and scream into his face and tell him all the reasons why he should love himself that he seemed so unaware of.
Then why couldn’t she just do it? What was stopping her? Perhaps the fear of his reaction, or the fear of making a poor choice of words? It wouldn’t have been the first time that she had hurt him with her words. She remembered their argument in her room after the meeting with Gast’s ghost too well. I am worried that you will get my brother killed, she had told him. And if a moment before he had been holding her hand and giving her one of his fond looks, at the sound of those words he had suddenly stood up, raging. And then he had run away, leaving her flummoxed and embarrassed.
He also hadn’t seemed to take well her joke about James that she had just made. Every time that Lucie mentioned her brother to him, she got something wrong and only ended up pushing him away. And the farther he got, the more she understood how bad she needed to keep him close instead.
“Stop the carriage, Matthew” she said, breaking the silence once again.
“What, Lucie? Why?” he asked, visibly confused.
“Just stop it” she repeated.
Bewildered still, he asked the coachman to stop and told him that he could take a break. Lucie waited until the man left, then stood up and moved to the seat next to Matthew.
“Alright, I’ve had enough” she began.
He still looked clueless. “Would you just tell me what’s happening, Lucie? First you tell me to take you to another place from what we had agreed, now you want to stop. I don’t–”
“You have told me that you don’t want to talk about the thoughts that are troubling you. Well, that doesn’t sit well with me anymore. I don’t want to keep all these secrets with you anymore, I don’t want to keep secrets with anyone.”
Matthew raised an eyebrow. “I have nothing to say to you” he spat.
Why did Lucie’s heart shudder at those words and at the tone of his voice? Why did she feel like there was this huge, unbreakable wall between them? Talk to me, Matthew. It’s still me, it’s your Luce. Once you used to tell me everything... What has changed now?
“It’s not like that, Matthew, we both know it. I... I know that I haven’t been the best of friends, lately. It’s like I have got into this habit of telling the worst things to the people I care about whenever I talk to them.”
Matthew smiled bitterly. Lucie shivered. The cold winter air filtered past the curtains of the carriage, and she wrapped herself more tightly in her coat. Then she continued: “It’s like you are so scared to destroy something with your words, and because of that you do nothing but push people away. At first, I thought that was because we’re growing up and you need your space and all that, but now... there’s an abyss between us, Matthew, and I can’t accept it anymore. It... bothers me.”
“How funny,” he replied, “you looked way more bothered by my presence when we were closer. You told me yourself you were worried that I could hurt James with my behaviour. I thought I was doing you all a favour.” There it was again. That wall which wouldn't let anyone through.
Lucie looked at him in shock. “How could you ever think something like that? You know how much James cares about you. Whatever is going on, he would never want to push you away, it’s the last of his wishes. And of mine as well” she said, looking down and twiddling her thumbs nervously.
“I doubt it” Matthew replied.
Lucie had no intention of letting go. She was going to break down that wall. “Alright– to prove you my trust, I will tell you something first. After all, I haven’t been very honest myself. Neither with you, nor with the others.” She paused and took a breath. “You know that I’m able to see ghosts, right?”
He nodded. “Yes– James and your father can do that too, it’s a... peculiar family trait, am I right? But what has this got to do with us now?”
“Well– let’s say... that I also have the ability to command ghosts to do things. For instance, it was I who asked Gast to speak to me, and it’s also because of this that Jessamine can brush my hair or help me get dressed. I believe I have some sort of power, like James and his shadow world.” Another pause. She cleared her throat. “So, about all of this... there’s another ghost that I’ve met. A ghost that only I can see– well, along with Grace and Tatiana Blackthorn.”
Matthew frowned, but Lucie didn’t worry about it and just kept talking. “It’s Jesse Blackthorn. He died in such mysterious circumstances and I... I am trying to bring him back. I feel that my power is strong enough for me to command him to live again and succeed, but there still is something keeping him anchored to the other side. And the reason why I’m going to Limehouse is to try to find out what that is.”
Matthew remained silent for a long time. Lucie could read surprise on his face– a bit of fear too, maybe. He was trying to find the right words to reply to her.
“Would you care to tell me what on earth were you thinking, Lucie?” he finally snarled. “Do you understand that you’re playing with black magic, with demonic magic– that you could be exiled, or worse, for that?” Matthew covered his face with his hands. “By the Angel, Lucie! And here I was, thinking that the shadow world was already enough trouble to deal with.”
Lucie frowned. “I didn’t ask for your judgement, Matthew. And it’s not up to you to deal with mine and James’ powers.”
“James is my parabatai, Lucie! Of course it’s up to me. It’s my responsibility– I swore it. And you, you are his sister, my friend, of course I want to protect you as well! Especially from those ghosts. I don’t trust them, they could hurt you. Even those who say they are your friends... even him.”
Lucie clenched her jaw. “Thank you for your concern, Matthew, but I believe that I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself. And Jesse is not like other ghosts, his body hasn’t been taken to the City of Bones– it’s been intact for years. His soul is hanging between this and the other world, and there must be a way to reconnect it to his body. I don’t think his story has reached the end, and if I am able to see him, then it is I who can do something to help him get back the life that was so unfairly taken away from him, and that he so desires to live.”
Matthew didn’t argue further. He looked down and started fiddling with a button of his waistcoat. “It looks like you really do care about this Jesse” he pointed out.
Lucie blushed. She didn’t think that it was appropriate to talk to Matthew about her feelings for Jesse– at least not in those circumstances. And by any chance, the bright colour of her cheeks already was enough proof to him, because she saw him nodding and taking a deep breath.
“You will never cease to amaze me, Lu.”
Lucie shrugged. “So it seems.”
“You know you will have to tell James and Cordelia, right? I won’t leave you alone in all of this. Much less I will let you lie to them like that.”
She huffed. “You’re right, eventually I will need to do that. But what about you? Don’t you have any secrets with them? With me?”
He got nervous at that question and looked down again.
“What is that? You’ve had it for months now, I never see you without it. It must be really important to you” he asked in turn, abruptly changing the topic and distractingly pointing at the golden locket that sparkled around Lucie’s neck. She had carefully been wearing it backwards, hiding the thorns engraving against her chest.
She decided not to insist further with her arguments, at least for that moment. She rested her hand on the locket and lazily brushed it with her fingers.
“This? Oh, sure. Do you remember when James was about to... you know, after that terrible battle?” Her voice slightly broke at the memory of the time she had almost lost her beloved brother. “Well, this locket held Jesse’s last breath and... he gave it to me, to help me save him. James is alive thanks to Jesse. It was such a kind and brave gesture of him.”
Matthew didn’t answer, but Lucie could read some sort of gratitude in his eyes. Matthew didn’t know Jesse, but that boy had saved his parabatai and that for sure meant something to him. If anyone had saved Cordelia, Lucie would have felt the same. Daisy... she missed her a lot. Lucie had been all but honest with her lately. She would’ve just wanted to tell her everything about how she felt, but something seemed to always be keeping her from doing it. A more time went by, the more she felt her distant.
She saw Matthew turn pale and divert his gaze from her, as if he had suddenly began thinking about something else that was shocking him deeply. Then he pulled out his flask from the pocket of his coat and took a long sip of what smelled like... bourbon?
“Matthew– are you alright?” she asked him, gently resting a hand on his shoulder. He was shivering. He didn’t provide an answer, but she noticed that he was having trouble breathing.
“Alright, I will take you home now” she said in a firm tone. She called the coachman back and instructed him to bring them back to Wimpole House. The man quickly readied the horses, went back to his seat, and hit the road towards the new destination.
“Just let go, Lucie. Get a ride home and leave me alone, I am fine” Matthew whined.
“I wouldn’t even think of it. Breathe, Math” Lucie said instead. She pulled out her stele to give him an iratze, hoping it would help. With her left hand she kept his arm still, while she traced black and defined lines on his skin with her right one, moving slowly and gently. He seemed to calm down a little but didn’t speak anymore; he closed his eyes and tipped his head back against the carriage seat.
When they finally got to the apartment, Lucie took his keys from his pocket and dragged him inside. Before doing anything else she headed to the kitchen, filled in the boiler with water and put it on the stove. James says that tea is always a good solution. And it’s so cold today, after all...
She then left their coats and gloves in the hall and sat on the floor next to Matthew, who in the meantime had sunk into an armchair in the living room.
“Look at me, Matthew. Now that we’re here, will you tell me what troubles you so much, once and for all?”
“It won’t change what I did. Nothing will.”
Lucie rested her hand on his arm, slightly squeezing it. “It may be, but for sure it will lighten the burden on your shoulders” she sighed. “Listen... I am not here to force you to do or say anything, but I’m fed up with seeing you in all this pain. And most of all, I hate to see everybody else just stand there and do nothing. I see everything, but I’m not afraid.”
“You would be of me if you only knew. Don’t do this to me, Lucie, not you.” Matthew’s voice broke in the middle of the sentence.
“Do you really think I could ever hate you?” she asked him in a sad tone.
“Anyone with a bit of sense would do that.”
“Well, then, call me a fool” she said.
Matthew stifled a little laugh. “You’re so stubborn, Lu.” There it was. A small crack in the wall, and light filtering through it.
He was the only one to call her Lu. She didn’t use to like that when they were little, but with time she had grown to appreciate it. It was somewhat special, like the way only she and James would use the nickname Math for him.
Matthew sighed. “Alright.” He locked eyes with her again, and if he was looking for any remaining sign of hesitation from her, she was showing him the right opposite.
“Do you remember when my mother lost her child?” he stammered. Matthew never stammered like that– unless he was incredibly wasted. He was a bundle of nerves.
Lucie nodded weakly, then let him talk, holding his hand the whole time. And finally, Matthew told her everything: about the Academy, about Alastair and the rumours of his mother and Gideon, about his terrible secret which he and Brother Zachariah had held for years. He admitted his fear to tell everybody else, especially her and James, just because he was convinced that he didn’t deserve their love anymore after his despicable Sin. Brick by brick, the wall fell down. A great part of it, at least.
And then he told her about how he had finally given up and told Cordelia, because he felt that she was the most distant from the situation and maybe she wouldn’t have judged him. At those words, Lucie felt something twisting in her stomach and found that she couldn’t ignore it so easily. Cordelia had been a better friend to Matthew than she had been lately, despite her worries and her attempts at helping him. She was glad he had found some comfort in Daisy, but at the same time she was so disappointed in herself, and bitter about the fact that he had thought that she and James could ever judge him.
What hurt the most, though, was the disdain she heard in Matthew’s voice as he talked about himself: how could he hate himself so much, when he was so deserving of love? How could he not see it at all? Perhaps they hadn’t done enough to prove it to him, and he’d eventually given up believing it.
“Say something, Lucie” said Matthew after a long moment of silence.
Lucie couldn’t take it anymore– she reached for him and took him in her little arms. “Oh, Math” she sighed, holding him tightly. She felt him abandon himself against her.
“I... I love you. We all love you. Especially James. You have such a good heart, you’re funny; you’re scandalous, but still always a gentleman; sure, you can be annoying and a bit vain– actually sometimes you’re an insufferable wretch.” He was about to say something, but she shushed him. “But all that doesn’t matter, because your good taste and your sense of humour and your pure heart always get the best of all these insignificant flaws. What I mean to say is that you are many things, Matthew Fairchild, but you certainly aren’t a murderer. You are not a bad person, and everyone here is aware of that, except you.”
He looked up to meet her gaze, his eyes shining and wavering. “Interesting choice of words, Lucie Herondale. Are you sure you are not simply trying to please me?”
“Why should I? Especially right now. I’m dead serious.”
“Jesse Blackthorn is such a lucky man... or should I say, a dead lucky man?” At those words they both looked at each other, trying hard to remain serious, but eventually burst out laughing out loud.
“Hey, that was uncalled for!” Lucie giggled.
She had come to terms with her feelings a while ago now– her heart belonged to Jesse. And yet, she couldn’t help but feel grateful for that sense of comfort that pervaded her whenever she shared this kind of moments with Matthew. She sprang up and sat on his legs, a gesture that was to her as spontaneous as it was familiar; she used to do that a lot when they were younger, but now it had been so long since the last time. He sat up straight, caught by surprise, and wrapped an arm around her waist.
“Lucie– I would be a liar if I said that I don’t appreciate being this close to you, but I wouldn’t want someone to suddenly walk in and find us alone in this compromising situation. I regret to remind you that we are not eleven anymore.”
She shrugged. “Who could ever walk in? Your beloved Oscar Wilde? He must have witnessed much more compromising situations than this, that poor dog...”
“What did you take me for?” Matthew said, resting a hand on his chest dramatically. Lucie raised an eyebrow and smirked.
“You’re impossible, Lu” he laughed, “but thank you” he added, and she rested her head on his shoulder, still hugging him. Being this close to a person she cared about so much again was the best of feelings; she had never realised she had needed it that much until that very moment.
“You know that you will have to tell James as well, right?”
“I really can’t argue with you... how do you do it every time?” he said, distractingly stroking her hair. She looked up to meet his gaze.
“I must admit, I have a way of doing that” Lucie shook her head and kissed his cheek. His light stubble tickled her lips and she smiled, lingering for a couple more seconds on his warm skin.
The tension between them had dropped during the last months– Lucie didn’t feel the pressure of Matthew’s unrequited feelings anymore. She wondered if that made her feel relieved, or if that lack of interest had started bothering her. But why would that be? After all, they were better off that way– Matthew was her friend, and it was good that he now felt the same about her. Right?
Matthew’s voice interrupted those weird thoughts. “I’ve ruined all your plans for today. I’m sorry, Lucie.”
“If I hadn’t cared about you, I wouldn’t have stopped the carriage in the first place. It was my decision, Matthew. Stop feeling guilty for things that don’t even depend on you. I will be back there tomorrow; I can still help Jesse. But first I needed to help a friend.”
He smiled. “I am speechless... in a good way, obviously.”
“Yeah, that’s what I usually do to people, they say” she laughed.
Matthew sighed. “So, we’re going to be alright then, yeah?”
Lucie smiled to him. “Of course we will. I will always have your back. You will be fine, I promise.”
“And I won’t let you put your life at risk like that. At least, not alone.”
Lucie stifled a laugh and pinched his arm. Matthew reached out his hand and fixed the ribbon that was slipping away from her hair.
“I’ve always wanted to do that, I admit it, your ribbons are always out of place. Only I didn’t feel entitled to take certain liberties before.”
She blushed slightly and brought a lock of hair behind her ear. “What has changed now?”
“Maybe getting rid of that burden and you not running away in horror helped a little.”
“You silly. I’m really glad to hear that” she smiled. Then she gasped. “Oh Raziel– the tea! It’s still on the stove!” Lucie sprinted to the kitchen to put out the fire and filled in two cups with the hot tea, which had been ready for a while now.
Matthew laughed. “Luce, do you mean to set my house on fire, by any chance? I knew that you would try to get rid of me sooner or later, but I must admit I had imagined something more like a face-off.”
There was something about Matthew’s laugh, something comforting and wonderful that warmed Lucie’s heart like the sun in full summer. It was the first time in years that she felt him laughing like that, and she couldn’t help but feel so happy to have given him back a part of that smile that she and James had always loved– that everyone had always loved, like anything about him. How could anyone not love Matthew Fairchild?
Lucie returned to the living room with the two cups and a tray, and she put everything on the coffee table in front of them. Then she sat back with him on the armchair and gave him a challenging look. “Believe me, Matthew: when the time comes and I decide to get rid of you for good, it will be a bloodbath” she chuckled. He responded in kind, and they both started joking and teasing each other.
And among an abundance of inside jokes, laughter and a good cup of hot tea, Lucie’s heart started beating a bit faster, composing a sweet background music which lulled her in that little frame of peace and that, maybe, told a story about the feelings still buried deep within them.
Lucie and Matthew had put down their masks for one night; but as good a writer as Lucie was, she knew that this often wasn’t enough to bring all the secrets and the truths to light.
Time would take care of that.
