Last time at therapy I was unable to bring up the subject of my sexual identity, despite the fact I really needed to talk about it. Since then, I’ve done a lot (like A LOT) of self-examination, spent numerous hours reading stuff and, among other things, asked for advice from a website offering help with sexual and gender identity issues. The more I’ve learned about myself and all the things involved, the more convinced I’ve become that I’ve found myself. At least right now, I know what I am, and for the first time in a very long time, I feel I fit in. When I say fit in, I don’t necessarily mean I fit in the society (probably quite the opposite), but I fit in myself.

Today was another therapy appointment day, and this time I was more prepared for what I wanted to talk about. I took my therapist a pile of poems and some other stuff I’ve written, and wrote a note on top of the pile explaining the things I was unable to say out loud. I am demisexual and bisexual. I wrote about my need to talk about these things, and for the first time in my life, I did talk about them. She had no idea what demisexuality meant, and though I did explain, we never really got that deep into the subject. But at least, I opened the box of thoughts, and had a chance to dust them.

On my way home with my mom, she asked what we talked about. I answered with a vague “stuff”, and said I’d maybe explain later. At home I printed out the poems I’d written and gave them to her to read. None of the poems really say anything in specific, but the fact she came to me later and said they were the best poems I’ve ever written and amazingly beautiful, made me feel that maybe she understood and was fine with it. If she didn’t, she will in time, but at least I was able to reach out and get a response I needed at this point. I am accepted as myself, and I no longer need to pretend to fit in a box that isn’t meant for me.

There is still the issue with my dad, who isn’t quite as open to new things as my mom. She chose not to show my poems to him yet, but I hope she will some day. She was also ok with my idea of turning the poems into paintings for my upcoming exhibition, which is something I really want to do, but I didn’t want to without my parent’s consent. I may also need to figure out how to explain stuff to my siblings at some point - with them, it’s not that I’m afraid of them not accepting me (I know they’ll be fine with it), but I just want them to, well, be aware...

I’ve always thought that being open about things is the only way to live, and that pretending to be someone you’re not will eventually break you to pieces. It’s not like I’m going to talk about sex with the whole world all of a sudden - most certainly not, I’m still an introvert and with the demisexuality being a part of all this, I’m not expecting anything to really change. It’s just, that  I’ve been shattered for so long, it’s about time I start putting myself back together again.