The illusion of time and memory seem to be pervade my mind on this day. Almost like an intrusive thought that sucks me into myself; a place I quite frankly don’t enjoy being these days. What I had believed was the pinnacle of my life up until that point, was. I remember thinking things were too good to be true. I hadn’t been this happy since i was 17. I moved out of bumfuck Florida, went to my dream school on a scholarship and realized people were actually really attracted to me and wanted to fuck me and I’ll admit the validation felt nice. In what felt like the most brief moment; a happening, was just that. A happening that can never be replicated. Only to be revisited through the windows of your mind like fucking Scrooge. Although I tend to romanticize my life, that’s what makes it so god damn beautiful. There’s a trade off though; a risk if you will, that if you reach the top, you better be ready to fall, and gravity is such a bitch. 

 There was a profound, fundamental shift in my soul the day my sister died. The there aren’t really words for it. As profound or well spoken as you may think you are, you find yourself unable to capture the emotions that plague your mind like locusts; limited by the knowledge of the physical world. Words become meaningless in the string of emotion that follows behind you becoming the shadow of you. In turn, talking about it seems counterproductive unless it’s your therapist who is paid to care about you. But you’ll try to anyway; and when you do, you will always fall short. And when you fall short, you will sit there and surrender to the great cosmic bullshit mess that you, yourself are a part of.

I’ve always been an optimistic person. Big dreamer here. I believe in the best of people and humanity despite the adversity I’ve faced but honestly, sometimes it sounds like one big load of shit. Everything. And thats what gets me the most, I don’t recognize or identify myself the way I did before. My therapist said it would take time to gain that zest for life back but she knew it would happen for me and deep down i know its true. Im not supposed to be this nihilistic and sadistic person that’s bitter because the cards they were dealt were shitty. It’s an option though. Curl up in a ball and become a shell of yourself, many people do it; I could. And sometimes I do surrender to that part of myself, like right now. Bitching about my life. Maybe i have a right to bitch? It doesn't matter because this is just for me and any other stranger who has no idea who i am and never will so I don’t mind. Continuing my bitch fest, I look at the people that I love and wonder why I feel such a great divide difference between us. My younger sister and I joke that we are cursed. It hurt me when my best friend inquired if i thought I was. Or when people feel bad for me. I don’t want anyone to pity me and thats why I don’t really talk about it to anyone. No one knows what to say and I understand that. How can you expect that from anybody unless you’ve been through it.

 All of these words I’m saying are bullshit by the way. The way I paint the story versus what it actually looks like to sit in my room until 4 am and just stare at the ceiling is much more poetic and interesting than the reality. And maybe that’s why I write. Hell, I’ve got a lifetime worth of shit to write about now.

You know I really do miss the person I was a year ago today. I miss my life. My sister. The freedom i felt. The way music felt when I first fell in love but a lot of things change and thats okay. I guess that’s why you have hold onto those moments when they come. And I did. I could feel myself soaking it all in because I knew it wouldn’t be forever which is okay. 

Deep down I know the person I will become because of this will be more resilient, sure of herself, intelligent, aware, full of gratitude, loving, compassionate and empathetic than ever. That’s the woman deep down i know i’m really meant to be. But it’s okay to be here too. This is just a brief moment, once again; a happening that will change me forever the same way my experiences a year ago today did. 

//November 26 2020  9:53 pm // 

Oh you just had to be there last night at Dirty Santa during bunco, Sharon. I’m telling you, once we got the rośe out, things really got crazy! You wouldn’t believe what Nancy brought! Ahahaha! She knows us too well. It was this sort of wine bottle lamp, and of course Patty got it. I bet God just couldn’t resist the irony! You know how she can be! Aha! But you know what I did!? I went and snatched it right up under her nose! It was easier than taking the change out of the offering plate! I mean she was pretty tipsy at this point, and wouldn’t have even noticed if her Bill was making out with another woman on the same couch again. Never figured out how she missed that one! Ahaha! But I got it to give to you. I know you collect these sort of things and wouldn’t be able to resist this sort of practical joke. You can thank me with a glass! But Sharon, we sure did miss you, and hope you and Greg get to feeling better! (maybe some extra snuggles ;-))

Love you the most,

"No of course you don't need to find the right person. There is no right person for you."

"Honest it's not a problem, honey, some people are just like that, I couldn't fiddle with your fate even if I wanted to!"